


Is There Somewhere?

by ThatGayFriend



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Accident, Cheating, F/F, More angst, Nobody Will Die, Okay one person dies sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 19:50:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 75,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7120081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatGayFriend/pseuds/ThatGayFriend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke Griffin, upcoming artist, and Lexa Woods, well-known CEO, met at an investor gala for Clarke's gallery. They get together and try to maintain a secret no-strings attached relationship underneath the watchful eye of well-to-do businessmen out to ruin the young CEO and under the nose of Lexa's long-time girlfriend, Costia Wilder. But life has a way of making things that are too good to be true, just that, too good to be true. Their secret is exposed and they try to find a way to put their broken pieces back together.<br/>Or<br/>Clarke and Lexa have an affair that gets exposed in a really bad way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, all! This used to be a small collection of blurbs on my One-shots story that I ended up making into its own story because I got super into it. The first three parts are exactly the same as the other ones, so if you read them and want to skip, you won't be missing anything! So continue reading, friends!  
> PS: Each chapter has a corresponding song or two that I was inspired by/listening to while writing the chapter. Enjoy :)  
> ~TGF

_I Found - Amber Run_

They met at an investor gala for an up and coming art studio. Clarke stood near a piece of her surrealism series she’d been working on since before the gala. Marcus had wanted her to make something that would really blow away their potential investors and it seemed to be working. She hadn’t stopped talking for nearly half an hour as people came up to her and asked about the meaning behind her piece.

Lexa was leaning against the bar watching her surroundings. She had a knack for reading people and chose to listen and watch before approaching anyone. It was a strategy she had learned from her father. _Learn before you act, you can tell what people really want when they aren’t paying attention._ He had been right of course, he was always right. A man couldn’t build up a company as big as Woods Inc., if he wasn’t calculating and maybe a little manipulative.

But Lexa wasn’t really watching anyone in that moment. No, she was nursing a whiskey and coke after downing a shot of vodka. This just wasn’t her night and she hated having to be out _calculating_ and _manipulating_ when she felt like she should be at home crying or screaming about all of the things that were stressing her out.

 _Why did we have to have a fight tonight of all nights?_ She mused and ran her finger over the rim of her glass before sighing. She shouldn’t be thinking about her personal affairs while trying to make business deals. Costia would have to wait until after this idiotic gala was over and they could sit down and _talk._

Lexa lifted her head and glanced around at the socializing crowd of rich people. Why did she always feel like she wasn’t one of them? They were all laughing politely and smiling dazzlingly while trying to get the best of the best for the minimum amount of money.  It kind of disgusted her, which made her a hypocrite because she did the exact same thing.

She liked to think that she had a mask she used when she was in work mode. She wasn’t Lexa Woods when she was working, no she was Alexandria who needed to do what was best for her company, no matter how much it hurt the _real_ her. She would scam, lie and cheat if she had to because this was her father’s legacy, she had to do everything in her power to make it successful after his retirement.

With another grumpy sigh she downed the last of her drink and placed the glass on the table. She allowed her eyes to wander over to where the artists were set up and they fell upon brilliant blonde hair and a set of very exposed cleavage. She wasn’t trying to check out the girl, but she couldn’t help it. The low cut blouse and the tight fitting slacks hugged all of the right places and Lexa found herself entranced by the way pink lips moved as they spoke.

She tried to widen her view and yank her eyes away, but there was very little desire to do so. _I’m not hurting anyone, I’m only looking._

The artist across the room was engrossed in a conversation with a well-dressed man who held a flute of champagne in his right hand. Lexa couldn’t see his face because he was angled away and down towards the shorter blonde but her attention wasn’t really on him. The girl was beautiful with an easy smile and gestured her hands adamantly as she spoke.

Her eyes were bright with relaxed happiness that Lexa envied. She was beautiful and happy and passionate about her work. A whirl of something stirred in Lexa’s stomach as she watched the blonde laugh, she couldn’t help the smile that curved her lips when she saw it. The joy in the other girl was intoxicating.

Lexa’s eyes trailed back down the artist’s body as she turned, checking her out as she did so. She was a little surprised to see a large cut out in the middle of the blouse, exposing pale white shoulder blades and back. Lexa swallowed at the sight, suddenly finding her throat dry as she imagined tracing patterns over the soft-looking skin.

She couldn’t allow her eyes to travel any lower because the girl was turning around. Lexa’s eyes snapped up to that face again and suddenly found a pair of eyes on hers. At some point the man had left and the artist had been left there alone and she’d caught Lexa staring.

Now, azure stared into jade and both of them knew they were in for a rollercoaster ride.

~   ~   ~

That was the first night they’d met. Actually, it was a night of firsts for both of them. It was Lexa’s first time with another woman and it was Clarke’s—that was the beautiful artist’s name—first time since her break up. Neither of them knew what they were doing, they were drunk on each other and too caught up to really think about it.

They both got caught up in the feeling of meeting someone that was genuinely interested in what the other had to say. They clicked almost instantly. Maybe it was the alcohol or the giddy feeling or the shimmering beauty of Clarke’s hair in the moonlight or the way Lexa looked at Clarke like she was the only person in the world.

But suddenly they found themselves seeking comfort in each other’s arms and Clarke found herself asking the question before she could think about it, “Your place or mine?”

Lexa felt the briefest twist of guilt and fear of what she was about to do but let her desire cloud her better judgement. She wasn’t CEO of Woods Inc. right now, she was Lexa Woods and Lexa Woods wanted Clarke Griffin more than she wanted anything else in that moment.

“Yours.”

~   ~   ~

They developed something of a routine after that. They didn’t talk much when they were together and found that not doing so was much preferred. There was a silent agreement between them that if they didn’t talk about what they were doing—which was sleeping together—then they could keep doing it.

Sometimes they would go days without seeing or speaking, but they would always gravitate back. Whether it was for comfort, to forget about their everyday lives or if it was just because they missed each other—which they would never admit to.

 Besides the occasional rendezvous at fancy hotel rooms that Lexa insisted on paying for they didn’t see each other. They went about their normal lives as if nothing was different.

Lexa went back to Costia feeling a little remorseful, but not much, especially when they had one of their arguments. She went about her daily business at Woods Inc. and continued to invest in small, upcoming businesses in their local community. She was a giver, not a taker like her father sometimes was. Giving to the community and helping it grow was the one thing she could do that was purely Lexa and had nothing to do with her position or family name.

Clarke went back to her apartment that she shared with Octavia, even though Octavia was rarely there because she spent so much time with Raven nowadays. But she went back anyway, and normally up to the extra space they both deemed Clarke’s studio. She would paint and draw because whenever she was with Lexa she itched to create something that would remind her of the girl she would never be able to have. At least, not completely.

That’s what they did for nearly six months. Clarke didn’t talk about Lexa. Lexa didn’t talk about Clarke. They met up when they felt lonely or stressed and then they went their separate ways again. But in those hours that they were together, those magical moments of bliss and tranquility, they were whole. They could survive off of those residual feelings for as long as possible.

It was after those six months that things changed. Something shifted in both of them and for the first time, they met somewhere outside of their hotel room.


	2. Part 2

_Bad Intentions – Niykee Heaton_

Clarke was just getting ready to head out of the coffee shop when she saw them. She was sitting in her own little corner, minding her business as she went through the paperwork Marcus had sent over about the art studio. She had been promoted to manager nearly four months ago after the gala. She was in charge of paperwork, finding artists and designing anything new inside of the studio. It was a difficult job that took up most of her time.

She leaned back in her seat, finally finished scanning over an email about a potential part-time employee had sent. It was sometimes annoying when they continued to pester by calling and emailing, but Clarke had to admit that it was helpful with keeping her mind in order. She opened the little notebook she always carried to jot down that she needed to get back with the girl as soon as possible before shutting it.

Leaning back in her chair she grabbed her coffee and took a sip before examining her surroundings for the first time in about an hour. This place was where she went every Thursday afternoon when the studio was closed early so she could get work done outside of her office. Sometimes it just helped to be away from the place that she was constantly at to clear her mind and think properly.

Clarke’s phone buzzed and the screen lit up with a text message before she got a good look at the coffee shop and its inhabitants. She unlocked the screen and opened the message.

**Lexa [3:42 pm]: _Meet me Sunday?_**

With a smile, Clarke picked up her phone and tapped the message bar to pull up her keyboard. Her fingers hesitated over the letters as she tried to figure out if her schedule was open. They normally met up during the day when Lexa didn’t have work and Costia was busy doing something.

At the thought of Costia, Clarke’s smile fell and she put her phone down. Suddenly the coffee wasn’t settling well in her stomach. She felt sick. She was being a homewrecker again and she knew it. But she still wasn’t stopping it. This time was different.

After Finn she’d been so lost and heartbroken and self-loathing that she needed to find some sort of outlet. That outlet happened to come in a drunken decision to sleep with Lexa the night of the gala and then continue to make the mistake of seeing her when she knew it wasn’t smart.

But _God,_ Clarke couldn’t resist. It was like a magnet that pulled her to Lexa and whenever she promised herself that she wouldn’t go again, her resolve crumbled the instant Lexa texted her. Or maybe it crumbled the instant she had a too stressful day and _she_ texted the infuriating brunette in a sudden lapse of judgement. But _damn_ did that lapse pay off once they were together.

It was like every switch was turned off except for one. Every thought she had was drowned out by the feeling of Lexa’s lips and the tension from her day was swept away wherever Lexa’s fingertips brushed her skin. And sometimes she was just too exhausted afterwards to think, which really didn’t make it a bad thing.

Clarke was drawn out of her thoughts by the ding of the entrance bell and her head jerked up to see who it was. _Speak of the devil,_ she thought as her heart began pounding in her chest. Lexa was there, dressed in one of her tailored work suits with her hair cascading down her back in loose tendrils.

Clarke had the sudden image of running her fingers through it and yanking on it. But the image was quickly wiped away when a head of curls followed behind her. Costia.

Clarke sucked in a sharp breath, along with a gulp of piping hot coffee that went scorching down her esophagus. The heat sent her sputtering and coughing loudly from her corner and drew the attention of over half of the shop—including Lexa. Clarke still hadn’t taken her eyes off of her, even while choking and making a fool of herself.

Lexa didn’t show any signs of recognition besides the sudden raising of her eyebrows that could have passed for passive concern about a stranger’s wellbeing. Of course she didn’t, Lexa had a mask she hid behind. One of those looks that was carefully controlled      and could be considered bored. Nothing really seemed to surprise her when she was like that.

Costia stood just behind Lexa who had stopped in her tracks when her eyes had fallen upon that dazzling blonde hair shining in the light filtering through the floor length window. She raised an eyebrow at Lexa as if wondering if she’d gone completely daft and forgotten how to walk. Costia was a small, dark and curly haired woman with an attitude—from what Clarke knew, she’d never met her. But Clarke didn’t like her, for multiple reasons, some of them being the way she treated Lexa.

Even if the two weren’t an item and never would be, Clarke still cared about Lexa’s wellbeing. They didn’t do too much talking when they were together, too intoxicated with the other to really do anything remotely related to speaking. But whenever Lexa did mention anything about Costia it was with a sadness tinged with bitterness that implied things weren’t going too well. Who really cheated when they were in a good relationship anyway?

Lexa turned away finally, after a jab in the ribs from Costia. They moved to the counter and closer to where Clarke was sitting. The blonde averted her eyes, afraid that if she kept staring Costia would some how managed to connect the dots she hadn’t been able to connect in months.

Guilt twisted in Clarke’s gut, but she pushed it down with the thought that Costia was a bitch and Lexa deserved better. She unlocked her phone and reread Lexa’s text message, clenching her jaw at the impure images of the two of them together as she mulled over her options.

If she didn’t go see Lexa she would be forced to wait another week or two before either of them were free. Clarke didn’t have much time in the coming weeks because of a show she had been working on for the last couple of months. Her time would be taken up working on the finishing touches. If she did, her feelings would get all fucked up again like they always did. But, a part of her liked the confusion even if another part just felt guilty and depressed over what she was doing.

When she looked up again, she found both girls heading back towards the exit, two fresh coffees in their hands. Lexa held the door open for her girlfriend, who ignored her with her face plastered to her phone screen. Costia’s free hand moved quickly over the keyboard, typing a text or email.

**Clarke** **[3:57 p.m.]: _Always_**

The blonde glanced up once the message had sent and watched as Lexa let the door close behind her. She tried to catch up to Costia before pausing and pulling her phone from her pocket. Clarke caught the hint of a smile as she opened it, before her head came up and she glanced back in through the window, searching.

Lexa winked once her eyes met Clarke’s and typed a quick response the blonde couldn’t help but grin at even if she’d wanted to.

**Lexa [3:58 p.m.]: _See you then._**

The brunette was a woman of few words, Clarke knew. But she knew those three meant more than just what they were. Maybe _looking forward to it_ or even _can’t wait to see you._ At least, that was what Clarke hoped for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Let me know! Love to hear from you! Comment/Kudos/Subscribe ~TGF


	3. Part 3

_Crazy In Love – Beyoncé (Fifty Shades version) & Impression – Matt Woods_

Clarke was on her way home early Sunday evening after a day—more like five hours—spent with Lexa. They hadn’t talked about seeing each other at the coffee shop, Clarke didn’t even mention going there all the time and never once seeing Lexa there during that time. They both thought that it would be best if they just acted like it didn’t happen, because then they wouldn’t have to confront anything outside of what happened in their hotel room. It made things so much less complicated and they both felt as though they deserved those moments of respite.

Neither of them said anything, even though the same thoughts were at the forefront of both of their minds. But there was a bubble they didn’t want to burst, because if it did, there would be a paintball-like reaction. If enough pressure was placed on their personal sanctuary, emotions would spew everywhere and make a mess of the good thing they had going.

So Clarke had left after a couple of hours, needing to get back home to her responsibilities. When she entered the apartment, Raven was sprawled across the couch, lanky arms and legs flailed in relaxation. Octavia was laying flush on top of her, head angled towards the television and resting in the crook of Raven’s neck.

Raven craned her neck until her head was hanging upside down, she looked like a much creepier version of the Cheshire cat. She raised her finger to her pursed lips, gesturing for Clarke to be quiet, “She finally fell asleep.”

Clarke gave her a thumbs up and closed the door quietly, padding into the connecting kitchen. She hung her messenger bag on the back of one of the dining room chairs before heading to the fridge to peek inside for a bite to eat.

 She heard Raven moving in the living room and a dramatic groan from a half-asleep Octavia. Raven murmured something quietly before she appeared in the doorway, arms stretching over her head to grasp at the lip above the door.

“You want to go out tonight?”

Clarke grabbed a bottle of water and a carton of fried rice from dinner the night before. When she closed the fridge she had an annoyed look on her face, “Ugh, do I have to? I have work tomorrow.”

Raven pouted, “Aw, come on, Clarke-y. Since you’ve been sleeping with Mystery Man you’re tired _all_ of the time.” Her tone held a hint of teasing and a little bit of curiosity. Clarke might not have been talking about Lexa, but she couldn’t help it if her friend’s caught on to her shift in moods. Raven loved to point out that she was happier once she got laid and it was easy to tell.

The blonde shot her a warning look before turning her gaze to her carton and removing the metal bar so she could microwave it. There was no point in denying she was seeing someone, but she didn’t like being teased about it constantly, “Where did you want to go?”

“You know its karaoke night up at Jasper’s tonight. I bet you could use a creative outlet and Jasper loves your voice,” Raven replied knowingly.

Clarke opened the microwave and pressed a couple of numbers before settling her hips against the counter. She turned to look at Raven, “Hasn’t Octavia been working the night shift?”

“Maybe, but I know she’ll be up for a night at Jasper’s. She loves his food and we both know how much Octavia loves food,” Raven smirked and settled herself backwards at the dining room table. She rested her arms on the back of the chair and then her chin on her arms. She looked tired herself.

“We can’t stay late,” Clarke conceded, “Marcus wants to have a meeting in the morning.” She glanced at her watch, it was already after seven, and it had been a long walk of guilty shame back to the apartment. She sighed, _I need to stop this._

Raven grinned and squirmed in her seat, providing the chair with an awkward lap dance. The microwave went off and Clarke pulled her food out, “Let me eat this and I’ll go get ready. How long has O been sleeping?”

“A little over an hour.”

“And you stayed still that whole time?” Clarke asked incredulously, moving to the table after grabbing a fork and her drink.

Raven faked a laugh, “Yes, I did. I might be ADD but when it comes to Octavia, it’s different.”

“I know,” Clarke smiled genuinely, the playfulness in her voice gone. Raven had gotten into an accident at her college’s research lab a couple of weeks back. Nothing bad had happened to the sarcastic brunette, but Octavia had managed to freak out so badly that both girls were concerned about what would have happened if Raven had actually gotten seriously injured.

Since then, the youngest of the three had a serious attachment problem to her girlfriend. Raven, of course, wasn’t complaining. She not so secretly liked it when Octavia got needy because sometimes she felt like she was the one who was all over O. But Raven understood, Octavia’s mom had died in a freak accident at work and what had happened to Raven probably brought bad memories back.

Now that Octavia was working as a bartender at The Ark, down the road from Jasper’s, she wasn’t getting in until about four in the morning whenever she worked. On the other hand, Raven worked the average 9 to 5 shift unless she had a project to get finished for the board or had a report due, then she wasn’t in until around the same time. But Raven lived with her friends Monty and Brian nearly three blocks away so it was hard for the two of them to see each other.

Clarke ate her food in silence after that and Raven stood again, pacing back and forth. Laying on the couch without moving had taken its toll on her, she wasn’t used to sitting still for too long. She’d had a report due by six that night so she’d been at the lab writing it up for her boss while Octavia had been home so she’d tried to finish it as soon as possible to ensure she could be there with her girlfriend.

Clarke finished eating, disposed of the carton and tossed the fork into the sink. She left the kitchen and headed down the hallway to her bedroom on the right. It always felt so cold to her, even if she turned on the heat it felt like ice could have been blossoming on the window. It didn’t feel like home, even if it housed most of her personal belongings, the room wasn’t at all inviting.

She flicked on the light quickly and opened her closet door, searching for an appropriate outfit for the night out. She had no one to impress, so she settled for a pair of ripped of black jeans and a burgundy and gray baseball t-shirt.

Jasper’s was a laid back bar and grill so she didn’t feel the need to look hot. She wasn’t going to pick up anyone because she wasn’t interested in anyone else—other than a woman she couldn’t have. With an audible grumble she pulled the shirt over her head with a jerk and entered the bathroom to reapply her makeup.

She’d washed it off whilst taking a shower at the hotel before making her way back to her apartment. Lexa had still been there when she left, but they’d only managed a quiet goodbye to each other before Clarke was out of the door. She liked to leave first, it felt like she was using Lexa just as much as Lexa was using her when she did that.     

With another sigh, Clarke finished her eye makeup and ran a hand through her hair. _No thinking about her, this is a night out with your friends,_ she pep talked herself. It might have worked if she hadn’t known Octavia and Raven would be too wrapped up in each other to pay much attention to her. But she was used to that too and tired not to let it bother her too much anymore.

“You ready?” Raven twisted around the corner of the bathroom so suddenly Clarke jumped and nearly stabbed herself in the eye with her mascara.

She turned to Raven and punched her with her friend hand, “For fucks sake, Rae, don’t scare me like that!”

“Ow!” the brunette rubbed her sore shoulder with a pout, “I’m sorry, O’s awake and I just wanted to make sure you were almost done. She wanted to shower before we headed out.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and closed up her makeup bag before putting it away, “Yes, I’m ready. Wouldn’t want your princess to have to wait five minutes.”

“I know, right? Making her wait makes her grumpy and she’s already grumpy enough as it is,” Raven quipped, skipping down the hallway and followed by a much more reserved Clarke.

“I heard that,” a sleep-heavy gravelly voice called from the couch.

Once Clarke was in the living room, she noticed Octavia sitting up and rubbing her forehead with her hands. She looked tired, but smiled when she saw her roommate.

“Well, it is true,” Raven grinned and rolled over the back of the couch until she could curve herself around her girlfriend’s back. Her fingers absentmindedly went straight to Octavia’s back, where she drew random patterns along the younger girl’s spine.

Clarke turned away, sometimes she felt like she was intruding when they did such domestic things with each other. Sometimes it made her wish that she had someone to do that with and then her mind would wander to Lexa and how she occasionally ran her fingers down Clarke’s spine in the same fashion. The blonde knew that it didn’t mean the same thing, but she still felt like it should mean _something._

_Quit it, Griffin,_ she scolded herself, _you’re grasping at straws. Stop._ It never worked. No matter how hard she attempted to stop herself from growing attached to someone, it never _fucking_ worked and she never seemed to learn her lesson. Now here she was, completely enraptured and entangled by a woman she would never be able to have completely.

“Hey, Clarke, where’d you go?” Suddenly Octavia was standing in front of her with a concerned frown on her face.

“I—” Clarke shook her head and pulled herself out of her head to focus on the present, “Nothing, sorry. Just thinking about work.”

Octavia nodded, accepting that explanation even though she had an uncanny ability to know what was _really_ bothering Clarke without asking. But the thing about Octavia was that she knew how to keep quiet about specific subjects—unlike her insufferable girlfriend. It was probably because Octavia and Clarke had known each other since they were little, well since Octavia was born when Clarke and Bellamy were about six.

Raven hadn’t come into the picture until Octavia had met her in school and they’d developed a friendship. It had escalated not long later after Raven’s father figure Sinclair had died of a heart attack and Lincoln had been pronounced dead overseas nearly three years ago. They’d comforted each other until it had developed into something much bigger and here they were.

Octavia quickly showered and changed out of her lazy-day clothes and into a pair of blue jean shorts and a loose white tank-top. She touched up on her makeup and brushed her wet hair up into a bun, accentuating her sharp jawline. Once finished, Raven provided her typical wolf whistle after Octavia donned her leather jacket.

Both of the other girls just rolled their eyes.

“Alright, bitches. I’m driving,” Raven grabbed her keys and they exited the house, Clarke locking it behind them.

Octavia made a disapproving noise in the back of her throat and proceeded to nag Raven about calling her a bitch. They bantered back and forth about it the entire walk down to the parking lot.

“Oh!” Raven shouted once they were settled in to her Jeep, she had her eyes glued to her cellphone, “Bellamy’s bringing the rest of the gang down!”

Clarke groaned, she wasn’t expecting to have to hang out with everyone else. She’d hoped to get some dinner, get a little buzzed and then go home to _sleep._ The exhaustion from her day was catching up with her, “Rae, its Sunday. I’m not staying out that late.”

“Me neither, babe, I’ve got to get some rest. I have work tomorrow night,” Octavia agreed.

Raven pouted, “Fine, but you’re both staying out past ten. I don’t care if you sleep in the booth. We’re still in our twenties, it’s still party time, bitches!”

Octavia shot her a glare.

“Fine, fine,” the overeager brunette shrank away from the look and held her hands up in surrender. “Bitch and beautiful girlfriend who I love very much.”

From the back seat, Clarke got a full view of Octavia pressing her lips to Raven’s with a grin. She shuddered and quickly averted her eyes, “Alright, guys! Third wheel here, can we _please_ hurry to Jasper’s? I need to get wasted.”

Raven scoffed and shifted the Jeep into reverse to head to the restaurant. The drive over was uneventful and they spent it mostly talking about what they’d done all day. Octavia complained about a TV show that she’d binge watched because it was on and Raven whined about her stupid report and how much of an ass her boss was. Clarke didn’t say much, just muttered about errands and having lunch—which hadn’t happened.

Both of her friends didn’t believe her, but knew she could take care of herself. They knew she had gone to see her mystery woman that she wouldn’t talk about. Neither of them approved much, but they knew Clarke was an adult and trusted she wouldn’t get herself mixed up in stupid shit. _I guess I’m not an adult then,_ a dark voice murmured in the back of her head.

They arrived at Jasper’s before seven and were the first of their group to enter. Clarke reserved them a group of tables and booths, knowing that at least twenty of them would be showing up if Raven had anything to say about it. Raven insisted on sitting near the raised stage where the karaoke guy was setting up before his sessions started.

Octavia complained about being hungry and rushed to the bar to ask Maya if she could get one of Jasper’s famous Flaming Burgers. It was probably one of the spiciest things on the menu and Clarke’s stomach rolled at the idea of it, she hated spicy food. _So does Lexa._

“Babe,” Raven whined once her girlfriend arrived back and proudly announced what she would be eating, “you’re going to regret that later. It gives you heart burn.”

Octavia shrugged and sidled up next to her girlfriend, wrapping her arms around her waist and resting her head in the crook of her neck, “I’ll enjoy it now. I think my stomach is trying to eat itself.”

“Did you eat lunch?” Clarke inquired, resting her head in her palm.

“No, I forgot to eat.”

Raven whined again, “How do you _forget_ to eat?”

“None of us can be like you, Reyes,” a new voice called. Bellamy strutted over, Nathan, Monty and Bryan in tow. “We don’t eat like truckers.”

With a scoff, Raven said, “Excuse me, I seem to remember that you can eat as much as me.”

Bellamy shrugged and slid into the booth next to Clarke while the others took the booth behind them, “I’m a guy, and you’re a petite girl. I’ve no idea where you put all of that stuff you eat.”

“It goes to good use,” Octavia piped up, smirking at her brother who made a sick face while Raven smirked victoriously. She squeezed her girlfriend close as if to say, _that’s my girl._

“Too much information, O. I don’t need to know what happens behind closed doors.”

Clarke pressed her shoulder against Bellamy, “It’s not always behind closed doors. I once caught—”

“Clarke! Come on! Seriously! Not you too,” Bellamy covered his ears and proceeded to hum to himself so he really couldn’t hear anything.

Clarke laughed along with Raven and Octavia at the older Blake sibling just as the rest of their group arrived. Harper, Zoe, Murphy, Fox, Emori, Atom and other members of their loosely associated group took up residency around them after greeting everyone at Clarke’s table.

Maya made her way over to the table with Octavia’s order, who in turn rubbed her hands together and giggled manically. Raven only wrinkled her nose and kissed her girlfriend’s temple softly, wrapping her arm around her shoulders. “What can I get the rest of you?”

Bellamy leaned over, “I’ll pay for the first round over here,” he made a swirling gesture at the small table.

“Hey!” Nathan called from behind him, “You promised us a round too!”

The rest of their area of the restaurant began piping up in agreement, even though half of them hadn’t even been promised a round or didn’t even know what they were agreeing with. Everyone had an unspoken pact to pick on Bellamy whenever the moment arose, it was just so enjoyable for everyone.

“Fine!” Bellamy shouted, getting everyone to shut up, “I’ll pay for a round for everyone. But only this one!”

Maya chuckled good-naturedly and patted Bellamy’s shoulder, “Sounds good to me. Anyone going to eat anything before they start drinking besides Octavia?”

“I’ll take some chicken tenders with—”

“Honey mustard,” Maya finished, already writing it down, “Got it. Draft too?”

Clarke nodded, “Thanks, Maya. Tell Jasper thanks too.”

“Will do,” Maya smiled a hopped a little on her feet as she took the orders from the rest of Clarke’s surrounding friends.

Karaoke didn’t start until after 7:30 so Clarke spent her time catching up with her friends and mingling around at different tables. Whenever all of them got together, they dominated the majority of the restaurant nearest to the stage because when they were all drunk it got very interesting to be around. They would challenge each other to rap battles or force each other to sing stupid songs.

 Clarke was once forced to sing a duet with Bellamy—who had absolutely zero singing ability—but had managed to make it through. She wasn’t a stranger to being embarrassed or the center of attention, she was actually quite accustomed to people randomly approaching her. Some of these people she barely knew.

As the night dragged on and she filled her stomach with food and alcohol, she felt the stress of her week slowly slipping away. Being around people she loved and cared so much about really helped her settle down and not think about things that sometimes made her want to throw up.

She caught up with Bellamy and learned he was seeing some girl named Echo who wasn’t able to make it. Some sort of birthday party or something. She wasn’t really paying attention because the next minute the microphone on stage made the most obnoxiously annoying sound in the world.

“Hello, everyone! Good evening, I hope you’re enjoying your food and drink,” the DJ/Karaoke guy called out, waving from the lit platform. He was a young guy with a scruffy beard and unruly brown hair he tied at the base of his neck. He looked a little oily and seemed like someone Clarke would definitely not approach in the street. But, he had a nice smile and looked friendly enough. “I’m AJ and I’ll be your DJ tonight. Yes, I know it’s confusing, but if you need my attention, just call me by either. I’ll answer.”

Clarke’s group of friends only laughed and clapped at him. They were all becoming pleasantly buzzed and Clarke was just about finished with her second beer when Maya brought around a tray of shots. She had no idea what kind of liquor was in the shot, but she took one anyone, clinked glasses with Raven, Octavia and Bellamy and then downed it quickly.

The liquid stung and burned as it made its way down her esophagus but she laughed it off when Octavia nearly went cross-eyed at the strength. Clarke quickly cleared her throat and took a sip of her beer to clear away the taste, even though it still left a pleasant burn in her chest.

The DJ had started off by playing some regular music over the huge speakers he had set up on stage while he waited for people to sign up to start singing. The entire restaurant was pulsing with the heavy bass of the music and it was hard to hear anything over the loud din.

Clarke noticed a dark haired woman bee lining for their table and tried to place her face. She couldn’t seem to remember her, but the woman wasn’t looking at Clarke, she was looking at Bellamy. When she finally caught his attention they grinned at each other and Bellamy stood. They hugged and Bellamy planted a kiss on her lips.

“Hey, guys!” he shouted, grabbing Octavia and Raven’s attentions from each other to him. “This is Echo!” he nudged the brown haired girl closer to their table.

All three girls shook the new one’s hand with welcoming smiles and friendly greetings. Echo seemed nice, she was dressed in a simple sweater and jeans and plastered a friendly smile on her face. She held on to Bellamy’s arm as they spoke to each other.

“So, babe,” Bellamy said after Echo had finishing answering Octavia’s question, “what are you doing here? I thought you had a birthday dinner with your cousin.”

Echo rolled her eyes and her face flashed with annoyance, “Yeah, well, my cousin decided that she needed to take me out to dinner for my birthday. We haven’t seen each other in years and she’s kind of a total bitch, but I couldn’t pass up the offer on free food.” Echo chuckled and turned, looking behind her, “I don’t think she thought I was going to bring her and her CEO girlfriend to a bar and grill though.”

Clarke took a sip of her drink as Echo continued to talk, “Costia is—”

The blonde inhaled sharply, alcohol getting caught in her esophagus and she choked and coughed loudly. She set her cup down and pounded on her own chest, just as Raven scooted over and slapped her on the back unhelpfully. She continued to cough but managed a, “C-costia?”

Echo frowned at her, “Yeah, do you know her?”

Clarke shook her head insistently, waving her hands around in denial as she choked. She couldn’t speak again for a couple of seconds. “Sorry,” she tried to clear her throat and then swallow.

“Jesus, Griffin, I thought you were going to die. What the hell?” Raven asked incredulously, wrapping an arm around her weakened friend.

Clarke held her head in her hand as she tried to think. Someone had decided to be the first person to sing and their vocals really weren’t helping her thought process. _If Costia is here that means Lexa’s here._ She groaned out loud and ran her hand through her hair. She felt like a battering ram had slammed against her chest and sent her heart pounding painfully.

“Is she okay?” she heard Echo asked, but it sounded far away. Her blood rushed through her ears, making it difficult to hear anything surrounding her. It was becoming harder to breath, almost as if something heavy was pressing down on her, trying to force her to stop.

She scooted around to the empty side of the booth and stood, mumbling, “I have to go to the bathroom,” before rushing away and in the general direction of the bathrooms.

Her vision went foggy and she didn’t quite make it to the bathroom before she was slumped against the wall. She covered her face with her hands, _stop it, Griffin. This isn’t that big of a deal. Breathe, breathe, breathe._ She repeated this over and over in her head like a mantra, hoping it would calm her down.

It did, but only slightly. She was still slumped heavily against the wall with her head in her hands. She probably looked like she was ready to have a heart attack, which wouldn’t have surprised her. Her chest her really bad, like a pressure ready to crush her sternum and bore into her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think! Are you ready for part four??? What do you think is going to happen? Comment/Kudos/Subscribe ~TGF


	4. Part 4

_The Mess I Made – Parachute & Magnets – Lorde & Disclosure_

Lexa saw her almost as soon as she walked into the little bar and grill with Costia and Echo. How could she possibly miss those golden locks? They were ushered towards a table set up at the opposite corner of the restaurant, away from the music and away from Clarke.

Her first thought when she saw her was, _wow, she looks gorgeous._ Her second one was, _shit, what the hell is she doing here?_

They sat down together, Lexa between the wall and Costia with Echo across from them. The entire night had been awkward so far. The cousins didn’t know what to say to each other and Lexa had never met Echo before that night. While driving over, she had asked all of the appropriate _get to know you_ questions. Where are you from? What do you do for a living? Do you have any pets? Where do you live? Anything new?

She’d received mundane, every day answers to her mundane, every day questions.  The conversation was forced, with Costia barely involving herself and instead, stuck to her phone like it was a life line. She only added her two cents whenever she thought it was necessary and those two cents were _mmhmms_ and _yeahs_ that really didn’t coincide with the conversation.

But Lexa persisted until they reached the restaurant and settled down into their seats. Costia had already pulled her phone out of her pocket, Echo looked around as though searching for someone and Lexa was too preoccupied with a specific blonde she knew was seated across the room.

She tried to push those thoughts aside and focus on the menu before her. Lexa flipped through the pages passively, scanning over greasy menu items she knew Costia would never think of getting in a million years. She would probably nag and scold Lexa for whatever she got, because it probably wouldn’t be up to her health standards.

Lexa’s eyes settled on a chicken tender platter and knew that was what Clarke would have gotten if she was eating. With honey mustard, probably. She remembered the blonde mentioning that she was going to suggest to her chef friend that he should make some sort of honey mustard batter so she didn’t get it all over her face. Clarke was a very messy eater.

God, she could never seem to get the blonde out of her head, even when she was with Costia. But Lexa’s girlfriend didn’t really pay all that much attention, she was too busy focusing on whatever she was doing on her phone. Most of it seemed work related, being the CEO’s right hand was a job that took all of the stuff Lexa couldn’t be bothered with and putting it on Costia’s shoulders.

But, Costia was constantly in work mode, which made their relationship incredibly hard. Not to mention that Lexa was cheating and only in the relationship anymore because her father had arranged it, even though he hadn’t approved of her homosexuality at first.

The waitress came and took their orders and handed over their drinks not long after giving them a couple of minutes to figure out what they wanted. Lexa ordered a cheese burger that Costia, of course, disapproved of, while Costia ordered a chicken Cobb salad. Echo picked the battered teriyaki chicken wings and an order of fries.

“I think I see a friend of mine,” Echo said, suddenly after the waitress had left, “I’ll be right back.” Before either Lexa or Costia could respond she was out of her seat and across the room.

The two sat there in silence, without even attempting to communicate with each other. Costia had her cellphone lying flat on the table and she scrolled through Facebook passively. Lexa let out a dramatic sigh and rested her head against the window, closing her eyes. She didn’t even try to start conversations with Costia anymore, they barely spoke really.

Living together was like two very different people sharing a space. They avoided each other, mostly in their offices until they had dinner and talked about their days. Then they went to bed. There was no sex anymore. Lexa knew it was probably related to her escapades with a one Clarke Griffin, but still. Everything was just so _boring_ and incredibly _passive._

“Hey,” Costia’s vice drew her out of her thoughts. “Look at that girl.”

Lexa’s eyes fluttered open and she glanced at her girlfriend, who had a frown on her face. She was staring across the room near the bar where someone was doubled over and breathing heavily. Lexa frowned while she watched, the girl’s chest was rising and falling quickly and her hands were covering her face. Familiar blonde hair fell over her features and hands.

“Someone should probably check on her,” Costia muttered, but didn’t make a move to do so. That was what was wrong with Costia, she was just a passive person herself. She though that someone else would take care of everything for her. Normally other people did, just like now.

Lexa stood quickly and pushed her chair in, maneuvering around Costia. The woman grabbed her arm, “Where are you going, Lexa?”

“I’m going to check on that girl. She looks like she’s having a panic attack,” She didn’t let anything other than polite concern show on her face. But inside her stomach was flipping and demonic butterflies tore at her intestines. Clarke was definitely freaking out and Lexa didn’t like seeing her like this, it made her hurt just as badly.

Lexa removed herself from Costia and made her way over to the destressed blonde. She had her hand covering her mouth, eyes closed and head tilted up towards the ceiling. Her breathing had calmed considerably, but was still erratic. Lexa didn’t exactly know how to comfort her, but only knew that she needed to.

Clarke had never cried around her before, there had never been an instance or conversation when she had had to. This meant that she had absolutely no idea how to comfort her. But she did know what Clarke liked after sex, so she carefully sidled up closer and traced the tips of her fingers from the back of her upper arm down to her wrist, where she settled her fingers on her pulse point.

“Clarke,” she murmured, quietly alerting the blonde to her presence.

The reaction she got was completely unexpected.

The blonde buried her face in Lexa’s neck, her hands pressed into her back and pulled her close. Nails dug into her skin almost painfully with the amount of pressure she put into it. Lexa stumbled forward, arms settling against the wall on either side of Clarke as the blonde burrowed herself into Lexa’s neck. She wasn’t completely sure if Clarke even know who she was or what she was doing.

Lexa had to take a deep breath to stop herself from wrapping her arms around the blonde in return. She was uncomfortably aware of all of the people around her, especially Costia sitting at a table less than twenty feet away. She was almost certain that her girlfriend wasn’t paying any attention, but the idea of her being able to look up and see _this_ sent Lexa’s heart thumping hard in her chest.

“Clarke,” she murmured, keeping her voice soft and comforting. She turned her head slightly, brushing her nose against the soft tangles of blonde hair.

The girl wrapped around her sniffled unexpectedly and then removed her arms, shoving Lexa away indignantly. Lexa frowned and held her hands up, trying to express that she wasn’t trying to take advantage of her. But, the furious glint in blue eyes set her on edge. She had never seen someone so upset in her entire life.

Clarke looked like she was about to collapse into miserable tears or punch Lexa in the face. Lexa wasn’t exactly sure which she would have preferred. Probably the punch because she didn’t know how to deal with upset as well as anger.

“Get away from me,” she hissed, balling her hands into fists at her sides.

Lexa rubbed the back of her neck with both hands and looked up at the ceiling, “I’m sorry. What’s wrong?”

Clarke turned away, shoulders tense and back straightened with unspoken emotions. She whipped her head back towards Lexa at her words, “You’re what’s wrong. What the _hell_ are you doing here?”

“I – Costia’s cousin…she wanted to eat here. It’s her birthday.” Lexa stuttered, her reason sounded stupid in her own ears.

“I noticed that,” Clarke muttered and began fidgeting, looking anywhere but at Lexa, “Just…” she finally turned and looked at the woman, “stay away from me, okay? I’ve seen you twice in one week. I can’t _do_ this anymore, Lexa.”

Lexa ran her fingers through her hair. This was the most they—well, Clarke—had spoken about their feelings for each other and their situation throughout the course of their entire relationship. She thought she knew her lover well enough to understand what she was thinking at most times when they were together, but _this_ was completely different than normal.

She took a step closer to Clarke, ducked her head down to meet Clarke’s gaze and lowered her voice, “Can we talk about this some other time? Please don’t do this right now.” 

“No!” Clarke exploded, yanking away from Lexa and sending her a look that would have killed her if it could’ve, “I’m done, okay? Don’t talk to me again. Stay on your side of the bar, I’m _done_.” She turned away then, shouldering past Lexa and into the bathroom.

From the table Lexa had vacated, Echo had returned to her seat where Costia was still drowning in her social media. “What the hell is Lexa doing with Clarke?”

Costia looked up to find her girlfriend with her hand on the blonde’s arm she had gone to comfort. She frowned, trying to read the body language of both women. “That girl was having some sort of panic attack, she went over to help her.”

Echo frowned and glanced at Costia, “Yeah, she ran off after I mentioned—”

She cut herself off and Costia shot her a curious look, “After you mentioned what?”

Echo hesitated for a moment, debating whether or not to tell the truth. A sinking feeling was settling in the pit of her stomach and she wasn’t sure why, “I mentioned I was here with my cousin Costia. She choked on her beer.” She forced a laugh, trying to make is sound like it was no big deal.

Both of Costia’s eyebrows rose sharply in response but her eyes were drawn to sudden movement in the corner. The blonde girl—Clarke—had just shoved Lexa away, her face was red and she was spitting what Costia could only assume were angry words. She held a pointer finger to Lexa’s chest and then shook her head, face falling so quickly Costia thought she might cry.

Something was definitely going on there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? How's the angst going? You just wait, I'm kind of hoping I can render some of ya'll to tears. But I might be overconfident in my writing ability. Hope you enjoyed this. The next chapter is going to be kind of cheesy but I don't really care! Comment/Kudos/Subscribe Love to here from you! ~TGF


	5. Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke sings a song and Lexa listens. Seriously cheesy. Regular scheduled angst will continue next chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! It is a somber day in the US today because of the Orlando Pulse Nightclub Massacre. I wasn't in a very good place today, seeing as I am originally from Orlando and my heart is breaking for the family and friends of the dead and injured. I hope everyone has had a safe weekend besides. Keep the victims and their families in your thoughts and prayers and we'll get through this together. Stay strong, Orlando, we've got your back. 
> 
> Furthermore, this chapter is totally cheesy. Still kind of depressing, but cheesy nonetheless. I hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think. Comment/Kudos/Subscribe :)

_Drunk – Ed Sheeran_ _& I Hate U, I Love U – Gnash  & Olivia O’Brien_   

            Clarke rushed into the bathroom before Lexa could respond. She didn’t know what she was doing, but all of the repressed emotions she felt for the idiotic brunette were bubbling up. It felt like she was a roiling volcano full of emotional magma that was about ready to explode if any tectonic plates decided they wanted to move.

            She rested her hands on either side of the porcelain sink of the single bathroom. She felt incredibly hot like she was about to have a serious panic attack—one she wouldn’t be able to talk herself through. Quickly, she flicked on the faucet and splashed water on her neck to cool down her body temperature.

            “Focus, Clarke. This isn’t a big deal. Lexa doesn’t matter. She’s not important. You can get through this. No big deal.” She ran her damp fingers through her hair before turning the sink off and pacing the length of the restroom. Her body still felt like it was on fire and her nerve endings were completely shot.

            _You’ve got this,_ she encouraged silently, before unlocking the door and exiting the bathroom. She moved so quickly back to her friends there were very few seconds to locate Lexa and she forced herself to not let her eyes wander.

            Clarke arrived back at her seat to several concerned looks from Octavia and Raven, even though they didn’t say anything. She ignored them, of course. “Sorry, had to use the bathroom. What’d I miss?”

            “Nothing,” Bellamy said cautiously and Clarke caught the worried look he shared with his sister, “we just ordered more shots.”

            With a sigh of relief, Clarke allowed herself to relax into the cushion behind her. “Good, I’m ready to get fucking _wasted_.”

            Bellamy’s eyebrows shot up his forehead and another worried look crossed his features before he settled on a shit-eating grin, “Hell yeah, time for Party Griffin.”

            Nearly an hour later, Clarke was tossing back her…6th(?) shot of tequila. Her entire body was pleasantly warm and it was growing increasingly difficult to keep her eyes open. Raven and Octavia weren’t as drunk as she was so they kept flashing her anxious looks that really put a damper on her attempt to be happy.

            Clarke Griffin was _never_ a depressed drunk.

            Throughout the night, she’d noticed that Lexa was still there. They had chosen a seat that was barely concealed by the jutting of the rectangular bar in the middle of the room. But, Lexa was sitting back in her chair, long legs spread out in front of her with a beer in her hand more often than not.

            Clarke could barely see the back of Costia’s neck but Lexa had her arm around her chair. Every once in a while though, Clarke caught Costia leaning in close to her and whisper something in her ear. It sent a jolt of jealous heat into her stomach where it settled and festered like a disease.

            “Next up we have…Clarke Griffin!” The DJ suddenly called from the stage.

            Clarke’s head shot up and a feeling of vertigo shuddered through her brain as she moved.

            Raven grinned evilly at her confusion, “I signed you up earlier. I didn’t realize you were going to get this fucking wasted though!”

            Octavia laughed next to her when Bellamy moved and Clarke was forced out of her seat.

            Normally, she would be all into sort of thing. Especially when she was getting drunk and had hot liquid courage running through her veins. Tonight was a little different though, she was emotionally drained and didn’t want to have to think for any long period of time for the rest of the night. But here goes Raven, signing her up to sing.

            Before she headed towards the stage, Octavia grabbed her arm, “You don’t have to do this you know.”

            Clarke shrugged, “I want to.”

            “Yeah,” Raven grinned, bumping her shoulder against her girlfriend’s, “she needs to get all of these emotions out. Art and singing are the only good ways of doing that. Now go on up, I picked out your _favorite_ song.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

            Clarke took a deep breath and pulled away, rushing up to the DJ who was standing behind his laptop. A song was already playing as he waited for her to approach and the closer to the stage she got, the louder and heavier the bass got. Once she was opposite of him, she felt the beat in her chest.

            “Clarke?” He asked, pulling off one side of his headphones.

            She nodded, finding no use in responding verbally. He wouldn’t have heard her unless she shouted. He clicked several buttons on his Mac before the music turned off and brought his lips to the microphone.

            “Alright, we’ve got Clarke Griffin singing…” he looked down at his sigh up sheet, scanning a finger over names, “I Hate U, I Love U by Gnash.” He covered the microphone,

            Clarke froze. God, Raven _had_ to pick that song didn’t she? Maybe Clarke had been obsessed with it for a long time a couple of months ago, but now? Hell no, she mostly listened to her laidback mix that helped her mind wander creatively. Love songs had started relating to Lexa a long time ago and that was what had turned her off to Gnash so completely.

            But of course, Raven didn’t know this.

            “Don’t worry, kid,” the DJ tried for a reassuring smile, taking her pale face as a sign of nerves, “you’ll do fine. Other people have already embarrassed themselves, I bet you’ll be better than them.”

            Clarke only nodded and took the wireless microphone he handed her before walking up the few steps onto the brightly lit stage. Her heart leapt in her chest and stomach twisted and turned until she wasn’t certain she would be able to keep down the food and alcohol she’d had earlier.

            She clicked the microphone into the stand in front of her and took several deep breathes to try to calm her rebelling insides. The overhead lights shown right in her eyes, making it difficult to see her own audience.

            A Jurassic-age television was angled towards her on the ground at her feet. A blue background shone through it and Clarke grabbed onto the microphone to steady herself.

            “Ready?” asked the DJ.

            Clarke glanced over at his darkened corner and nodded just before the screen of the television went black itself and white, blocky lyrics popped up. She didn’t need them, she knew the song better than most so she closed her eyes and listened to the music carefully.

_Feeling used_

_But I’m_

_Still missing you_

_And I can’t see the end of this_

_Just want to feel your kiss_

_Against my lips_

_And now all this time_

_Is passing by_

_But I still can’t seem to tell you why_

_It hurts me every time I see you_

_Realize how much I need you_

Back over at the bar, Lexa was leaning against the cushions lining the table and waiting for the bartender to get her another beer. Costia, Echo and she had decided to stay a little longer to get drinks and socialize with each other a little bit more. Costia said it was because she wanted to get to know Echo better and Lexa was completely surprised when she put away her cellphone and did exactly that.

            Lexa wasn’t really worried about her beer though, or her girlfriend, she was too focused on the girl singing on stage. She’d heard Clarke sing before, in the shower just before she left for the evening. But she’d never heard this song before.

            Clarke’s voice was low and held a twinge of an accent that she didn’t have when she spoke. The sound sent a shiver down Lexa’s spine. This girl was too talented for her own good.

_I hate you, I love you_

_I hate that I love you_

_Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you_

_I hate you, I love you_

_I hate that I want you_

_You want her, you need her_

_And I’ll never be her._

            Lexa wasn’t really listening to the words at first, just to the sound of Clarke’s voice as she sang them. She sounded sad and haunted along with the slow ballad of the song. The surrounding audience had quieted down after they realized the person singing actually had some type of talent.

            Clarke’s friends, who were sitting in the corner were still being rowdy. A couple of girls in the front booth were whistling and shouting like idiots at the girl. Clearly they supported her more than any of the other friends at the table. A shaggy haired guy was sitting with them, but he was only grinning and watching Clarke with admiration.

            She glanced back up at Clarke, who still had her eyes closed. A frown puckered the skin just between her eyebrows and her lips were downturned, as if she weren’t enjoying herself as she sang the song. With a deep breath she continued on.

_I miss you when I can’t sleep_

_Or right after coffee_

_Or right when I can’t eat_

_I miss you in my front seat_

_Still got sand in my sweaters_

_From nights we don’t remember_

_Do you miss me like I miss you?_

_Fucked around and got attached to you_

            Lexa listened this time, intently actually. She couldn’t push away the feeling that this might be a little bit about her, which was why Clarke was having such a hard time. It was conceited and a little selfish to think that, but she couldn’t seem to help it. She prided herself on being able to read boy language and right now, she was getting a lot of things from Clarke.

            The blonde wasn’t opening her eyes. They were squeezed shut so tightly it made her look like she was in pain. The way she continued to move her hands along with the lyrics, but didn’t touch the microphone once. She was trying to keep herself under control, she didn’t need to hold onto anything to do so.

_Friends can break your heart too,_

_And I’m always tired but never of you_

_If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit_

_I put this reeel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit_

_I type a text but then I never mind that shit_

_I got these feelings but you never mind that shit_

_Oh, oh keep it on the low_

_You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know_

_If you wanted me you would just say so_

_And if I were you, I would never let me go_

            Clarke went through the lyrics with ease, capable of following the song so flawlessly Lexa was kind of surprised. Yes, she knew the girl was talented, she had an amazing singing voice, but she was also a great performer. She was able to portray her emotions so effortlessly to the audience that they had been rendered speechless.

            As Lexa looked around, she noticed everyone utterly transfixed as Clarke went back into the singing portion.

_I hate you, I love you_

_I hate that I love you_

_Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you_

_I hate you, I love you_

_I hate that I want you_

_You want her, you need her_

_And I’ll never be her._

            While Clarke sang, Lexa grew more and more confident that Clarke was thinking about her. She thrusted her finger in the general direction of the area Lexa had been sitting in with Costia and Echo. It could, of course, have been complete coincidence. But really, Lexa didn’t think it was.

            Clarke sucked in another deep breath and finally grabbed on to the microphone with a white-knuckled grip. She ran her free hand through her hair, before continuing.

_I don’t mean no harm_

_I just miss you on my arm_

_Wedding bells were just alarms_

_Caution tape around my heart_

            She crossed an X over her heart before grabbing at her t-shirt over the spot of her heart. Her eyes opened and almost as if pulled together by a magnetic attraction blue met green in an explosion of nerves along Lexa’s spine. The next words were aimed directly at her.

_You ever wonder what we could have been?_

_You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did_

_Lie to me, lie with me get your fucking fix_

_Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed_

            Clarke’s lips turned up in an almost angry snarl and she pulled at her shirt along with the beat of the words she sang. Her eyes blazed into Lexa’s, watery blue and filled with so many emotions, Lexa’s throat tightened and dried.

            It took several moments before their eyes left each other because neither seemed capable of breaking the connection. More words than could have been spoken out loud were said in those few moments. Lexa suddenly realized how shitty of a person she had been.

            Clarke and her and really been using each other this whole time. But it had become more, so much more than just using each other’s bodies. How could she know that Clarke’s favorite color was the burnt orange of dying leaves in autumn if this was just _using_? How could she know that Clarke’s mom had tried to convince her to go through medical school and then almost disowned her when she changed her major to Art History?

            Maybe they got caught up into a fantasy when they were together. They managed to leave reality behind them and just _relax_ into each other’s presence. Lexa knew she could have done a lot of things differently— _should_ have done a lot of things differently. But, _I can’t do this anymore._ Clarke’s words echoed in her head hauntingly and she rested her forehead on her open palm.

_Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing_

_Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance_

_I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing_

_But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings_

_When love and trust are gone_

_I guess this is moving on_

_Everyone I do right does me wrong_

_So every lonely night, I sing this song_

            Lexa had tried to stop listening after that, her throat had tightened and she could barely breathe. She was thankful for the repeat of the chorus. She was just beginning to realize how royally she had fucked up. She and Costia might have had history, but they weren’t in _love_ anymore and they didn’t owe anything to each other. But Lexa had an image to maintain, she didn’t want to disappoint her father by breaking off a relationship he had approved of just because he loved his only daughter. He didn’t support her life style, but he loved her.

            The pause in music finally gave Clarke a moment to process what exactly she was doing. The words that fell from her mouth felt bad, like drinking a Coke before bed and waking up with a coppery taste in your mouth the next morning. But they were true, so true that it felt like a weight was being lifted off of her chest.

             She sucked in another deep breath and stepped closer to the microphone, letting her eyes fall shut so she could focus on the words. Costia. The other woman was in her head almost as much as those unbelievably understanding green eyes.

_All alone I watched you watch her_

_Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen_

_You don’t care you never did_

_You don’t give a damn about me_

_Yeah all alone I watch you watch her_

_She’s the only thing you ever see_

_How is it you never notice that you are slowly killing me?_

            God, Lexa _was_ killing her. There was so much more she had to say, but she didn’t have her own words to say them. The best way for her to even think about getting them out was through music. It always seemed to say the things she couldn’t.

            The song began to slow considerably as it approached the final repetition of the chorus. Clarke licked her lips at the slight pause, softened her voice and brushed her thumb over the warmed metal of the microphone wrapped in her sweaty palms.

_I hate you, I love you_

_I hate that I love you_

_Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you_

_I hate you, I love you_

_I hate that I want you_

_You want her, you need her_

_And I’ll never be her._


	6. Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um, a lot of angst?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think! Sorry it took so long to update. Comment/Kudos/Subscribe ~TGF
> 
> PS: These songs remind me of Octaven. This by Ed Sheeran is about the beginning of their relationship, I recommend listening to it first.

_Another You – Of Mice & Men & This – Ed Sheeran_

            Clarke nearly tripped off the stage as soon as the final piano note peeled across the room. She got several loud whoops from her friends, polite clapping from the rest of the audience and a piercing whistle from Bellamy. She kept her head down, avoiding the jade eyes she knew were on her. She could feel the heat of them burning into her skin, almost as if Lexa was next to her.

            She slid into the booth next to Bellamy, shoving him further into the curve of the seat so she could have the end.

            “Great job, Griffin!” Raven grinned and leaned over to pat her shoulder. “You’re amazing. You should definitely pursue singing.”

            She tried to flash her friend a smile, but more than likely only succeeded in a grimace, “Thanks, Rae.”

            Jasper came jogging over less than a minute later, squishing Clarke up against Bellamy in a greasy hug. He was dressed in a black apron covering a heavily stained white t-shirt. Still sporting his pedophile-looking mustache and patchy beard, he threw his arm around her shoulders and grinned like Clarke was the only person he had eyes for.

            “Damn, you’re singing is _so_ good, Clarke. I love listening to your voice,” he enthused.

            Clarke smiled genuinely, “Thanks, Jas.” But her eyes wandered, drawn to a corner of the room she could no longer see. A small part of her hoped to catch a glimpse of the brunette she was so enthralled with, another part dreading meeting her eyes. But she was lucky, Jasper was blocking her view.

            “So are you on your break, Jasp?” Octavia asked, leaning forward and resting her chin on her open palm. Her eyes were unfocused and hazy from alcohol, but she still tried to blink them into cooperating.

            “Yeah, I have thirty minutes. Anyone want to buy me a beer?” He perked up, keeping his arm loosely wrapped around Clarke. She was comfortable there, even though Jasper smelled like sweat, fries and a greasy kitchen, she was used to having her personal space violated by her friends. None of them seemed to understand the definition of personal space anyway, so what was the point?

            Raven laughed and leaned forward too, to be heard over the noise of the music that had begun pounding from on stage once Clarke had abandoned it. She threw her arm over Octavia in a similar way to that of Jasper’s arm around Clarke and kissed the much drunker brunette’s temple. “I don’t think so, it’s getting late and O here hasn’t gotten much sleep. We should probably head back.”

            Octavia whined and leaned into her girlfriend, pouting up at her, “Do we _really_ have to go?” she drew out the words and bounced in her seat. It reminded Clarke of a ten year old having to leave a birthday party early, or being told they weren’t allowed to spend the night at a friend’s house.

            Clarke watched as the two stared at each other, grins playing on their lips as they got lost in the other. The heat of jealousy hung heavy in her gut as she watched the clear love they shared. They held a silent conversation before Bellamy cleared his throat and made a gagging noise.

            “Guys, pay attention.” He said, snapping at them when his discomfort wasn’t immediately noticed.

            Raven blinked and rolled her eyes, slouching back against the booth but keeping her arm on Octavia’s back. She stroked lightly over her exposed shoulder, “Fine, you stay for a few more minutes.”

            “Where are you going?” Octavia frowned and turned to give Raven her full attention.

            Bellamy nudged Clarke and they shared an eye roll. The older Blake might act like he thought his sister and Raven were gross, but Clarke just _knew._ She knew Bellamy was grateful Octavia had found someone after what had happened with her last relationship. Especially someone as good as Raven, even though they all had a twisted, confusing history with each other, it just seemed to work.

            “I’m going across the street to get you some anti-acids. I know you’re going to feel absolutely wrecked in the morning, so please move.” Raven scooted closer, nudging at her girlfriend in an obvious indication for her to get out of her way.

            Octavia did, standing and stumbling against the edge of the booth to allow Raven to slide by and stand. She leaned down when Octavia sat back down, kissing the younger girl on the forehead lightly, “I’ll be right back.”

            “Oh my god,” Bellamy whispered right in Clarke’s ear, “They’re so gross.”

            “I love you,” Octavia hummed and pulled Raven down by her t-shirt, planting their lips together. Another curl of jealous and envy caused Clarke to shift and glance away at the intimate moment the two were sharing. Her mind jumped to Lexa off of its own accord and she had a hard time dispersing of the image of the two of them that popped into her mind. Kissing like that, in public, being able to just show the amazing girl off.

            Raven grinned one of the most brilliant, beautiful smiles she reserved for Octavia and Octavia alone. Clarke wasn’t sure she’d ever seen the woman smile like that, not even in her short, messy relationship with Kyle Wick. Never, and sometimes she wished that she wasn’t so broken and that she could do the same.

            “I love you too,” she murmured, pecking Octavia’s lips one more time. She murmured something else before pulling away and heading out of the bar.

            “God, you two are gross.” Jasper told Octavia once Raven was out of earshot. He probably knew that the feisty Latina would have whacked him upside the head or said something so sarcastic he wouldn’t have had a response if he’d said it when she was near.

            “Grossly adorable,” Octavia corrected.

            They settled down again. Jasper carried the conversation and pulled away from Clarke when Maya came over, hovering at the table to talk to them for a little bit. Clarke didn’t really pay attention, only sipped at her beer and mumbled to Bellamy about her day. But the conversation always seemed to steer back to Echo because he associated her with every little thing that they spoke about.

            The two of them could have been talking about ice and Bellamy would say that Echo just _loved_ ice and this one time she did this really cute thing. Blah, blah, blah, blah, freaking blah. She was growing impatient, but tried to immerse herself nonetheless. It was better than thinking about her own personal drama.

            She seriously considered bringing it up with Octavia and Raven when they got home, since she’d pretty much just broken off the affair she’d been having. It hurt, really, whenever her mind wandered to Lexa and she realized that they wouldn’t be having their secret rendezvous anymore. There was nothing to look forward to, not unless Lexa decided that she didn’t want to give them up.

            Clarke couldn’t see herself saying no if Lexa pursued hard enough because she was so enraptured by the damn woman. She didn’t care that she was in a relationship—well, she did, but not really. Not as much as she should have. Lexa never really spoke about Costia, but the way she said her name made it seem like they weren’t working anymore.

            Maybe it was just sex for her, but for Clarke…it _felt_ like more. No matter how much she tried—and did—deny it, there was so much more to every soft touch and unspoken word. So much so that she couldn’t ignore it anymore and she needed to back out or go all in.

            And all in didn’t seem like a good idea. She would end up fucking it up somehow.

            “Alright, I have to head back to the kitchen. They’re probably screwing everything up with me not back there,” Jasper sighed and stood, rubbing his hands on his pants.

            “It’s been thirty minutes?” Octavia asked, looking up from her phone where she was tapping away at the screen. Clarke wasn’t sure if she was texting or playing some sort of game.

            Jasper shrugged and nodded, saluting the table, “Yeah, I’ll see you guys later. Enjoy the rest of your night.” Then he was gone and Clarke, Bellamy and Octavia were left at a silent table. Parts of their large group surrounded them, still loud and rowdy while some had decided to call it a night, or even moved on to go club hopping, Raven still had not returned.

            “Where’s Rav—” Clarke started before she was interrupted.

            Suddenly the entire bar was up and a loud siren made its way closer and closer to them. It wasn’t an uncommon sound in the middle of the city, but as it grew louder, she felt her heart sink. Something was definitely feeling very wrong.

            Her eyes caught Octavia’s. Hers were wide and fearful, her fingers grabbed onto the edge of the table and grew white with the amount of pressure she put into it. Clarke knew she felt it to. The brunette _hated_ ambulances, and any signs of disaster or accident. It always reminded her of Lincoln.

            “Octavia!” Clarke recognized the voice. Harper. It was high pitched and breathy, on its way to sounds like she was almost in a panic.

            The brunette jumped to her feet just as Harper came rushing to their table, colliding with her and nearly sending them both crashing to the bar floor. Clarke stood as Harper pulled Octavia towards the commotion outside. Bellamy trailed behind them at a much slower pace.

            “What’s going on?” Octavia shouted, but didn’t get an answer.

            The three women pushed through the crowded area and exited the bar. Clarke saw several of their friends staring at the scene in horror before she laid her eyes upon it. Octavia nearly collapsed. If Clarke hadn’t been right behind her, she would have fallen backwards onto the concrete sidewalk

            An ambulance sat halfway on the sidewalk across the street, right next to the Walgreens. Its lights were still going, but the sirens were off. A black truck sat in the middle of the road, the windshield cracked and a heavy dent shadowed into the hood. Shattered glass was strewn across the ground and Clarke wasn’t sure of the dark substance she noticed was blood or some other liquid.

            Two cop cars blocked off the scene, making it difficult to see around them to find out what exactly had happened. A tall man stood near the truck, his hands on his head as he stared down at the area in front of his car.

            Multiple EMTs were rushing around, grabbing a gurney from their vehicle and shouting back in forth. They were in work mode, completely focused on the accident at hand. One was kneeled beside a body that was hidden by one of the police vehicles.

            Octavia’s hand slipped into hers and she pulled, elbowing her way through the developing crowd until she was right in front of an officer. He kept them back, lightly pressing at Octavia and giving her a stern look. They still couldn’t see much, they were too far away.

            “No,” Clarke heard Octavia breathe. She was frozen in spot, her back going ridged and her hand strangling Clarke’s. “No, no, no,” she breathed it over and over again, like a mantra that would make all of this untrue.

            The EMTs were tying the neon orange board to the gurney with a skinny, unconscious body lying on it. _Raven_. Clarke spotted her face, bloody and swollen with a brace keeping her neck straight. A large cut was oozing blood from her eyebrow and her jaw looked like it was already swelling. Besides that, she couldn’t seem much. She was thankful Octavia was too distracted to see details.

            “Octavia,” Clarke pulled at her friend, trying to turn her away from the scene. “Please, you’re going to give yourself a panic attack.”

            But her warning came too late. The young brunette had begun hyperventilating during the time it had taken Clarke to process the situation. She turned into Clarke’s arms as she clutched at her own throat. The blonde didn’t have a moment to even process that Raven was injured, she pushed away all of her worries and fears to focus on her best friend.

            She’d dealt with Octavia’s panic attacks before, a long time ago. Back when they were still in school and Lincoln had been overseas. Back when he’d gone MIA and she’d thought Octavia would never be the same again. It had been months of coaxing the young girl out of bed to eat, bathe and socialize after burying an empty casket. Months of triggered panic attacks and prolonged silence. Months of wondering if she would ever, ever talk again.

            Then Raven had entered their lives in Octavia’s junior year of University and the blonde had seen a change. Octavia smiled more and went out with Raven when she felt up to it, until she was suddenly laughing and being a person Clarke had thought was gone forever. Then they started dating and Clarke thought that Raven was a sarcastic, dark angel sent from heaven to help Octavia become the person she was meant to be.

            Now here they were, history repeating itself once again. Raven was being loaded into an ambulance and Octavia was on the verge of her first panic attack in over two and a half year. She’d developed an over attachment to people since Lincoln had been pronounced dead. She was barely able to sleep alone or she was plagued by nightmares and she hated being in confining spaces.

            “Clarke,” she wheezed, patting at her chest. Her face was getting red and her nails scraped at the blonde’s arm.

            “I’ve got you, O. In and out, in and out.” She stepped forward, squeezing the crook of the brunette’s elbow as she demonstrated by deepening her breaths. Clarke had guided her through this too many times to count. She knew that Octavia didn’t like being touched when these things were happening so she stepped back, keeping up the pressure on her arm to ground her. Normally this worked.

            She could feel the fast thrum of Octavia’s blood in her veins as she felt her pulse point flutter beneath her fingertips.

            Bellamy crashed into Clarke’s shoulder, jolting her out of her focus. “Give her space, she’s freaking out.” Her voice was low, urgent and serious. The man instantly moved, pushing Harper and several strangers away to give them room.

            “Octavia, breathe,” she grabbed for the hand that was clutching at her throat, forcing it away. Clarke pulled down her own shirt, placing the brunette’s sweaty palm over her steady heartbeat. “In and out, in and out.Try to match your heartbeat to mine. You feel that right?”

            It wasn’t working. Her face was getting redder, her eyes wider with panic and fear. Fear that she couldn’t breathe. That she would die right there by suffocation. Panic because Raven could _die,_ her girlfriend could die and then where would she be? She couldn’t lose someone she loved again. Not again.

            When Clarke realized it wasn’t working, her heart lurched in her chest and beat at a much faster rate, adrenaline coursing through her. If Octavia didn’t calm down soon, she would pass out. She brought the brunette’s hand up to her throat, pressing her fingers to her pulse point and trying to calm her won palpitating heart.

            Octavia’s hazel eyes found hers, glistening pools filled with unshed tears, “I can’t.”

            Clarke knew what she meant. _Not again._  She wouldn’t be coming back from this is something horrible happened to Raven.

            “You’ll be fine,” she reassured, “just breathe and then we’ll go to the hospital, alright? I need you to breathe, O.”

            Finally, finally, after long moments of convincing her everything would be okay and trying to lie to herself as well, Octavia could breathe again. She collapsed against Clarke, throat raw and still knotted tightly with a lump that wouldn’t go away.

            The blonde buried her hand in soft brunette tresses and met Bellamy’s eyes. She silently pleaded for him to call an Uber or a cab or _something_. He must have gotten it because his phone came out of his pocket just as several police officers began shooing the crowd away.

            Most people left when they realized that the ambulance was about to leave too, all of the excitement over for the time being. Harper, Miller and a couple others tried to approach but Clarke quickly shook her head, a clear gesture for them to back off and wait until later. They respected that, both Harper and Miller having known what had happened with Lincoln.  

            Octavia was still breathing heavily, in and out, she hadn’t spoken yet. Her breath came in heavy, hot puffs against the crook of Clarke’s neck. But she wasn’t on the verge of passing out anymore. What really scared the blonde was that she wasn’t crying yet. Maybe it was just shock and the tears would come soon, she hoped.

            It was peculiar for Octavia to be so calm in any intense situation. She felt everything so profoundly that she sometimes did crazy things in the heat of a moment. Octavia was a creature of feelings and emotions, when she was cold, it meant something bad was happening. Especially when she was angry. Every emotion was a dramatic rollercoaster that the brunette had little control over. She always needed to serve justice, too. No matter how gruesome it was, just had to be served if someone she loved was wronged. But right now, she was a vacant mess.

            Something tugged at the back of Clarke’s mind. This was familiar. The way she was acting. It was like after Lincoln’s funeral, as if she was already giving up and falling back into her depression once again.

            “Hey, O?” she asked nervously, trying to keep her tone as soft and soothing as possible.

            A soft hum was the only response she received.

            “Don’t give up, she’ll be alright. We don’t even know what happened yet.”

            No verbal response again, only a sniffle and a tightening of arms around Clarke’s waist as Octavia pulled her closer.

            “I’ve got an Uber, Clarke,” Bellamy called from the sidewalk in front of the bar. A single police car sat out front of the Walgreens and an officer was talking to the driver of the black truck, who looked worried and distraught. Instead of focusing on the scene around them—especially the strips of blood Clarke noticed on the windshield of the truck—she and Bellamy worked to coax Octavia into the Uber.

            Once both Clarke and Octavia were settled into the car, Bellamy shut the door and leaned in through the open window, “I’m going to take the Jeep back to your apartment…get some things for Octavia. I’ll drive up to the hospital and then you can go home, alright? Get some rest.”

            “Shit,” Clarke breathed and glanced at Octavia who was on the other side of the cab, staring blankly at the back of the driver’s seat headrest. She was curled in on herself, knees against her chest and arms around her legs. She looked pale, anxiety bloomed in Clarke’s chest.

            Bellamy seemed to be watching his sister too, “This is bad, isn’t it?”

            He didn’t even have to ask the question, but did anyway. It was _really_ bad, but Clarke knew he needed the reassurance only she could provide. He was worried about Raven too, she knew. “We don’t know yet, Bell. We have no idea what’s wrong with her. I’ll call you when we learn anything, okay?”

            He nodded, rubbed his red, watery eyes and called up to the driver the address of the nearest hospital. Then he stepped back, waved and they were speeding down the road.

            The driver dropped them at the emergency wing of the hospital. The same ambulance—or the one Clarke _assumed_ was the same one—sat in the entrance, already unloaded. Clarke paid and then gently got Octavia out of the car. That was when it happened. What Clarke knew had been hanging over their head for the past however long it had been since the accident.

            Octavia collapsed. Heavy sobs racked her body and Clarke had to use every muscle in her body to keep the dead weight of the girl before her from hitting cement. They were right outside, the iridescent lights from within shining on them.

            A nurse from inside rushed out, assuming there was something medically wrong with the girl who had just collapsed out of a car. They wouldn’t be wrong, of course. There was something wrong with her.

            “What’s going on?” the male nurse asked, rushing out first to assist Clarke with the weight in her arms.

            Clarke grunted, thankful for the shift in weight. The man was strong and held Octavia close as she cried. “Was there a girl who was just brought in?”

            “The car accident?”

            Before Clarke could reply, Octavia was sobbing louder and thrashing, pulling away from the nurse. She slammed onto the cement with a heavy jolt and disappeared into herself, rocking back and forth, on the verge of hysteria. Her breath came in hitched, heavy sobs that squeezed at Clarke’s heart and for a second she wondered why she wasn’t in tears too.

            She dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around her friend. All she could do was let her cry and whisper hollow reassurances.

            The nurse just stood there and didn’t move any closer, “Is there anything I can do?”

            “Update me on that patient. Her name is Raven Reyes. Both of us should be on her emergency contact information,” Clark felt a lump developing in her throat and the heat of Octavia’s heartbroken sobs burned her skin. “Please,” she added as an afterthought.

            “Are you next of kin?”

            Frustration boiled over the fear and sadness that was simmering low under her sternum and she growled, “Yes, look up her file or something. Just let us _know._ I’ll try to get her inside. Just _please._ She needs to know.” Clarke clutched at Octavia just as hard as the younger girl held her. She could barely breathe but there was something reassuring about the slight ache, something _alive_ that made her remember she was lucky to be the one in this position.

            The nurse left them sitting there under the overhand surrounded by gas and oil stains on the ground. A single ambulance stood vacant in the almost silent night. Sirens screamed in the distance and the sound of passing cars on the busy road further up the street echoed in the background.

            It made Clarke realize that everyone else’s lives kept moving, even as hers broke down like a cheap puzzle. While Octavia’s patched, scarred heart was being ripped open for the second time in her young life. A person they both loved was in an unknown condition while someone else was out there finding someone they would love in the future.       

            Clarity suddenly sharped Clarke’s vision. Everything can breakdown in a second, even if it takes years of hard work, blood and determination to build it up. Nothing lasts forever, so they needed to hold onto it as long as they could.

            Clarke buried her nose in the familiar clean, crisp scent of Octavia’s hair and breathed the girl in, willing herself not to fall apart too.


	7. Part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Costia and Lexa go back to their apartment. Of course, emotional turmoil and drama ensue. Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, all! I've gotta some comments (by comments I mean 2) of people asking me to update and here it iiiis! So enjoy and let me know what you think! ~TGF

_Perfect – Selena Gomez & Love in the Dark – Adele_

Lexa was on a high. She felt like she was floating on cloud nine because Costia was making her stomach do things that she hadn’t been capable of eliciting in a while. They stumbled into their apartment and Lexa giggled—yes, _giggled_ —at something Costia had said.

            Her arms were wrapped around Lexa’s body in a way that kept them pressed together and almost tripping over the entry rug. They’d had a good night, a _really_ good night. But Lexa had been waiting for the other shoe to drop for hours now, which held her back from fully enjoying this moment.

            But Costia still hadn’t bickered with her or spoken to her like a condescending parent trying to teach a five year old about business. No, she’d been the same Costia Lexa had gone to college with. A little wild and a little loud, but that outlandish personality was what drew the shy girl Lexa had once been in.

            “C’mere,” Costia detangled herself from Lexa’s long limbs and took her hand, pulling her towards their bedroom. Lexa’s stomach clenched at the insinuation of what they were about to do. She felt like she was in high school again and about to be locked in a closet at a party with Cindy Waterford.

            There shouldn’t have been a problem with this, she shouldn’t have felt so nervous. But they hadn’t touched in _months_ , not in any sexual way. Even through the fog of alcohol Clarke managed to pop into her head, eyes vibrant and hair shining. A pang of guilt stabbed through her heart, but she wasn’t sure who the guilt was aimed at.

            Before Lexa could delve further into the darker recesses of her mind, she was being pulled forward. Costia’s back thumped lightly against their closed bedroom door and Lexa had to brace her hands on either side of the smaller girl’s body to keep herself from crushing her. Her lips were caught in a kiss before she could even begin to react.

            Costia tasted sweet, like candy, like one of the most familiar places Lexa had ever been. But she couldn’t help thinking of the coffee taste that always seemed to be the dominate flavor of Clarke.

            The smaller girl took control of the kiss quickly, since she’d taken Lexa by surprise. Her tongue snaked out and pressed against Lexa’s lips for permission. Costia pushed up on her feet to gain a better position, tangled an arm around Lexa’s neck and sucked Lexa’s lower lip into her mouth.

            Lexa inhaled in a deep breath, carefully sliding her hands down to grip at Costia’s waist. She kissed Costia back hard, drowning herself in her familiar taste and feel to keep those damnable thoughts of _Clarke_ out of her head.

            She focused on Costia. On the feeling of her smooth and familiar bare skin under her fingertips. The way she still moaned when Lexa raked her nails lightly down the flat plains of her stomach. Lexa knew every spot that made Costia melt against her.

            “Babe,” Costia breathed, and the endearment made Lexa’s heart clench again. She hadn’t heard it in a while. Costia pulled away, cupping the side of Lexa’s face and searching her eyes for something.

            “What?” Lexa breathed, head spinning from the kiss and brain short circuiting from the alcohol. She knew that Costia was much more sober than she was, having driven home and had maybe two glasses of wine while Lexa had managed to down five bottles of beer in quick succession after listening to Clarke sing.

            Costia frowned and brushed her thumb tenderly over Lexa’s cheek, “Are we okay?”

            That question held more weight than just the simple term _okay._ Were they? Could they ever be? They could try, especially now they could just _try._ There had never been an attempt at trying from either of them.

            Tears pricked at Lexa’s eyes and she sucked in a breath, brushing her fingers down the curve of Costia’s jaw. “We will be,” she breathed wetly.

            Costia nodded and her eyes crinkled with a soft smile, her finger nails scratched lightly at Lexa’s scalp. “Good. I’ve got you.”

            Then her hand was twisting the doorknob and their lips were back together in a mess of tears, lips, tongue and teeth. Their positions shifted and Lexa suddenly found herself on her back, lying on the bed.

            Costia straddled her hips and Lexa sat up on her elbows to watch her. Her hair was a mess from Lexa’s hands mussing it and her eyes were heavily lidded with lust. She grabbed at the edges of Lexa’s shirt.

            But Lexa wasn’t seeing Costia, no she was seeing Clarke prowl up her body. She was seeing a wild mane of wavy blonde hair framing a flushed face. Brown eyes transformed into darkened, lust-filled blue that sent a hammer of desire straight to Lexa’s core.

            An insistent tug made her blink and she glanced down to find tanned, smooth hands yanking at her shirt, “Off please.” _Costia, I’m with Costia,_ she realized.

            Lexa’s heart jumped into her throat but she lifted her body forward, straining her abdominal muscles to lift her hands over her head. Her eyes lifted to meet Costia’s, which were open and vulnerable. A melted chocolate color with a hint of honey around the pupils.

            She was beautiful. Costia was beautiful, here, open and _wanting_ for Lexa and all she could think about was Clarke. But Clarke couldn’t happen, Costia could. She knew she was treading into dangerous territory, but they had history. She had to try for Costia, there was too much between them to give up on now.

            “Hey,” Costia frowned and leaned over Lexa, bracing her hands on either side of her head. “Where are you?”

            “I’m here,” Lexa replied, trying at a smile before giving up and pulling Costia down to her level. The smaller girl traced open mouthed kisses down Lexa’s neck, nipping and sucking at her pulse point until she moaned.

            She tried to be in the moment, she really did. Lexa focused on the feeling of Costia’s hands on her skin and her soft lips on her neck. But her mind still wandered. It transformed Costia’s slight figure into Clarke’s soft curves and wavy blonde hair.

            Lexa moaned at a tender bite placed against her pulse point and shifted up the bed. They pulled apart long enough for Lexa to settle against the pillows and Costia to lower herself between Lexa’s legs.

            Costia’s soft, slim fingers dragged at Lexa’s skin and a flashing image of Clarke running her callused, artistic fingers up her body instead sent a shiver through Lexa’s body. Her eyes popped open and she bit her lip, remembering the way the rough tips caught at her skin in the most sensual way.

            Costia’s lips found hers before she could even decipher herself who she was with, the memories were so clear. The girl’s lips attached to Lexa’s in a dominating, wet kiss that Lexa could barely keep up with. She allowed her eyes to fall closed as she tried to get herself lost in Costia, not Clarke.

            Her fingers dug into Costia’s lower back, slipping her silk blouse up her body so she could feel the soft, mocha skin underneath. Costia disconnected her lips and tangled a hand in Lexa’s hair, pulling lightly to angle her neck to the side before attacking Lexa’s neck again. Her teeth bit harder and her fingers tugged more insistently at Lexa’s hair.

            She pulled at Lexa’s hair just right too, not too hard but just enough for Lexa to feel it. Costia had always known which buttons to push. _But so does Clarke,_ a voice managed to seep through her lust filled mind.

            A particularly hard suck at Lexa’s collarbone had Lexa moaning again. A sharp jolt of heat spread through her lower stomach but the first name that popped to her lips was not the woman on top of her, “C-Cos,” she stuttered out. Her heart stopped for a second before beating at a much faster and fearful note, she was utterly breathless. Any semblance of lust or desire was swiped away with the ice cold fear that ran through Lexa’s veins.

            Lexa pushed Costia away and scrambled out from under her. She stood, putting as much distance between the two of them as possible. She’d almost fucked up. She’d _really_ almost fucked up and that scared the _shit_ out of her. What if she’d said someone else’s name? Not just anyone’s name, but _Clarke’s_? What then?

            Costia was looking at her strangely, shirt rumpled and hair mussed from its usually perfected unruliness. She could only guess how she looked. Breathless, shirtless and probably looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

            Things shouldn’t be like this, they shouldn’t be so emotionally separated yet sharing the same bed. Lexa was just starting to realize this, but it was already too late. Costia was looking at her as though she was a stranger, eyes shining and red rimmed.

            They stared at each other while Lexa calmed down and leaned against the cool wall behind her. She ran a hand through her hair and watched Costia’s facial expression as it crumbled. The room was oppressively silent besides the out of place whirl of the fridge in the kitchen. Lexa had continued to insist that it needed to be fixed, but had neglected to do it.

            Just like this relationship.

            It was long moments later when Costia spoke. Her shoulders slumped and she sat crisscross on the bed, “Do you want to say it, or should I?”

            “Say what?”

            “Really?” Costia breathed, face crumbling further. She buried her face in her hands and wiped at her eyes. When she dropped her hands, her skin was splotchy and red. “Say it, Lexa.”

            “Costia, I-”

            “You what?” Costia interrupted, voice growing hard even though an edge of hurt still lingered, “We’re broken, Lexa. We’re broken and you’ve been sleeping with another girl. You’ve been cheating on me, haven’t you?”

            “Cos-”

            “Stop it, Lexa!” Costia shouted, throwing her arms up in the air, “Just say it. I don’t need any excuses. We’ve been broken for a while and I can’t blame you. Not really, but stop _lying_ to me. I deserve better than that.”

            Lexa sucked in a shuttering breath and ran a hand through her hair. She felt like she was being dropped into a pit of despair and guilt. It ate at her and torn down the high she’d been on mere minutes ago. This was not how this was supposed to happen, this _wasn’t_ supposed to happen. She’d fucked up and in hindsight, she had been immature and selfish about it.

            “I’m sorry…I was just lonely and I felt like we were falling apart… there’s no excuse, but I still think we can do this, Costia. We can actually _try_ to make this work. There’s too much between us not to try,” Lexa explained. She was an idiot. Saying she had cheated in the same breath as asking to try at this again? She was probably the biggest idiot to ever exist.

            Costia was already shaking her head before Lexa finished. She rolled to the other side of the bed, separating them further. It felt final, like the space between them was just going to grow deeper and farther. The distance was already there, but now it felt real, like a chasm had opened up in the physical space separating them.

            “No, Lexa. I can’t think about that now. We’re broken, this isn’t going to be fixed just because you’re finally being honest with me. Both of us are at fault,” Costia turned and straightened her shirt. She already had a small suitcase from the closet when Lexa realized what she was doing.

            The taller woman picked up her discarded shirt and pulled it over head, “Please, can we talk first?”

            “Lexa, no,” Costia stopped putting her clothes into the bag, “you’re not in love with me.”

            Lexa’s heart almost stopped at those words and her mouth fell open. She flexed her jaw and tried to come up with a reply.

            “You’re not, Lexa, and there’s no point in trying anymore. If you don’t love someone then you need to let them go. It’s cruel to keep them around,” Costia tossed a shirt into her bag, rumpling it and sighed, “I did the same thing.”

            “You’re not in love with me?” Lexa barely managed. It felt like her heart had dropped down into her stomach at the words. Maybe she had known it in some recess of her mind, but having it spoken out loud was a different story. Seeing her relationship break down and crumble into ash before her eyes felt like watching a national disaster and wishing you could do something about it.

            Costia shook her head and turned her body away from Lexa. She began pacing back and forth like an irritated lion. She picked up several items and tossed them into the bag as she walked by. Lexa just stood there, not exactly sure what to do. She knew she should keep begging Costia to stay, but there was no real desire to do it. No matter how much she wanted to beg, there was nothing pushing her.

            “You’re not in love with me,” Costia repeated, “So now I’m leaving.” She stopped moving abruptly and grabbed her bag, zipping it closed.

            She was out of the bedroom and at the front door when Lexa finally unfroze and followed her. “Costia, please. I’m sorry.”

            The smaller brunette paused at the door, her hand on the knob. She stood there and Lexa saw her shoulders rise and fall with a heavy deep breath as she tried to steady herself. “We can’t save each other from this, Lex. But, I know.”

            Then she was gone and Lexa was left alone with a gaping wound in her chest where her heart was supposed to be. It felt like whiplash, like her whole world had come to a crashing halt after she’d grown accustomed to it spiraling out of control. The apartment was silent, as if trying to recover from the shock of it all along with Lexa.

            She stumbled, dazed, into the kitchen and opened the alcohol closet underneath the china cabinet. Lexa pulled out a bottle of whiskey and plopped it on the kitchen island next to the stove. She pulled out a lowball glass and filled it to the brim with whiskey.

            The ache in her chest didn’t ease any with the burn of the alcohol. It only seemed to amplify the emptiness and loneliness. Was this a mistake? Probably. Costia had been there for years, letting that go was probably the hardest thing Lexa would ever have to do.

            Costia’s presence had taken over a huge part of Lexa’s life. After years of loving someone and being loved back, you learned so many things about the other person that would never go away. The way Costia smelled would be forever imprinted on Lexa’s brain, the way she cooked or held a glass of wine so delicately. It was all a part of Costia, which made it a part of Lexa too.

            She stewed in these dark emotions and thoughts, sipping at her whiskey and wishing she hadn’t fucked up so badly. The unknowing of it all was what got to her. How had she gotten to this point in her life? How had she let it spiral out of control this fast? Matter of fact, why wasn’t she crying?

            A half bottle of whiskey later, she was pleasantly buzzed, warm and devastated. The full extent of her catastrophic mistake was bearing down on Lexa’s shoulders and the guilt ate away at her heart to the point she was certain there wasn’t much left. She sat in the leather recliner and broke down.

            She wanted to hit something or someone. If she could have hit herself she would have because she was a fucking idiot. She’d hurt two people in the process of trying to figure out herself and her own happiness. She had been selfish, cruel and horrible.

            The anger bubbled up so quickly in her chest that her half full glass was across the room and shattering against the far wall before she knew what she had done. It felt like every feeling in the book was coursing through her veins and she couldn’t focus on just once. She was such a mess that tears were running down her face before she realized she was crying.

            Lexa’s chest compressed and the sobs ripped from her ribcage so violently she felt like she was going to be sick. She slid down the wall she was standing next to until she was curled up in on herself. Everything was falling apart and she was so used to structure that it made her feel like she was having a panic attack.

            It was nearly an hour later, with her chest aching and body feeling heavy with exhaustion that she stopped. Lexa scrambled for her phone, she needed someone here so she didn’t end up dying. The first person that popped into her head wasn’t her mom, dad or Anya. No, it was the one person that she shouldn’t be thinking about.

            Without a thought, she hit the contact name and held the phone to her ear.


	8. Part 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets some news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey there guys! I know it’s been forever and a half since I’ve updated any of my stories but pretty please bear with me. Life is busy but I plan on continuing and finishing every one of my stories. Let me know what you think of this chapter and keep checking your inboxes for a DYG update.  
> PS let me know what you think of the music I have incorporated so far. Music has always inspired me so I would really like to know if it elicits any emotion from my readers too. Thank you! ~TGF
> 
> B/N: Albeit short, this update will definitely give you a whirlwind of emotions! Brilliant! Just brilliant and please dear readers, review and comment begging TGF to update this story faster! ;) ~RK

_(8) Habits of My Heart – Jaymes Young & All We Do – Oh Wonder_

They were sitting in the emergency waiting room still nervously...well, waiting. It had been about three hours since they’d arrived and Raven was still in surgery. Bellamy had shown up not long later with a bag of essentials for Clarke and Octavia and tried to insist Clarke go home to get some rest. But Clarke also insisted that she wasn’t going anywhere, not until she knew that Raven was going to be okay.

            Octavia had calmed down considerably since the initial accident. She wouldn’t talk though and her face was puffy from crying. Occasionally she would break down into tears for a short period of time, but Bellamy or Clarke was always there to be a shoulder to cry on and the voice of assurance.

            The same nurse from earlier had informed them about an hour ago that Raven had gotten a shard of the front bumper of the car lodged into her spinal cord. There was shrapnel in her leg and spine so it would take a couple of hours of surgery to get the foreign objects out of her body in the most effective way possible. They had started almost immediately but it would be a long, grueling task and there was no telling how much longer it would take. The nurse had tried to tell all of them to go home, but the trio was having none of it.

            Three o’clock in the morning came and went, but Clarke tried to keep her eyes open no matter what. She was spread out across three chairs with her head propped up on Bellamy’s jacket. Octavia was sitting in the chair nearest to the nurse’s station, so completely still that she looked like she could be a statue. Clarke wasn’t sure if she had blinked in the last five minutes. Bellamy sat next to her, his elbows on his knees as he scrolled through something on his phone.

            “Clarke.”

            The noise shocked her awake, especially since she hadn’t even realized she was dozing off. Her eyes fluttered open and she sat up a little. Bellamy was standing over her, shadowed by the overhead lights.

            “What?” She asked, voice slurred with exhaustion.  

            “Go home, you need to call into work and tell them you won’t be in. You need sleep too. I have Octavia right now and you’ll be the first person I call when we get an update.”

            This time, Clarke wasn’t as inclined to deny it, “Are you sure?”

            Bellamy smiled, “Yes, Clarke. Go home, get some rest. I’ll call you in the morning.” He held out his hand and helped up the sleepy blonde. She stood there, straightening her clothes and running her fingers through her disheveled hair. Her eyes were puffy from her own crying and Bellamy wanted to hug her, but knew she wouldn’t like it.

            “Okay, I’m ready.”

            “I’ll call you an Uber, okay?”

            “Okay.”

            Bellamy did so and within fifteen minutes, an Uber was outside. The two friends hugged each other goodbye after Clarke gave Octavia a kiss on the forehead. Clarke climbed into the van and was on the road after Bellamy gave the driver her address.

            The next thing she knew was the driver calling her name and saying they were outside of her apartment. She sleepily exited the vehicle and offered the guy payment.

            “Don’t worry, your friend already paid for it. Have a good night.”

~   ~   ~

            Her head hurt. Her stomach felt like it was about to expel whatever was left in it. Her phone was fucking blasting the most obnoxious ring tone ever created. She reached out blindly, not even opening her eyes. It was on her bedside table and her fingers swiped the answer key, just to get the damn thing to shut the fuck up.

            She didn’t remember how she’d gotten home or even what time it had been. She tried thinking as she brought her phone to her ear. _Raven,_ she remembered and her stomach did a little somersault of anxiety.

            “Hello?” she answered. Her voice was thick and rough from sleep.

            “Clarke? Honey? Are you okay?” It was her mom on the other end. She sounded tired and her voice was flat, as if something was wrong. It woke Clarke up immediately, would her mom have gotten news about Raven first? Abby never called her unless it was something serious. Normally her dad did and if it wasn’t him, something was wrong. Something _sounded_ wrong.

            Clarke finally opened her eyes and turned onto her back. Her vision was blurry with sleep still, but she blinked that and the fogginess in her brain away. The sun was beating in through the window, meaning she hadn’t been asleep for long. If she remembered correctly, she hadn’t gotten home until the sun began to rise. Now it was probably midday.

            “Is Raven okay?” she asked.

            Her mom paused, “Raven? What happened to Raven?”

            “She was in a car accident. Last I heard she was in surgery.” Clarke explained. She really needed to call the hospital, or Bellamy or Octavia. She was almost certain Octavia hadn’t come home last night. She wouldn’t come home until she’d found out good news about Raven. The girl was a scarred mess that was really hard to take care of sometimes.

            Abby took a deep breath, “I don’t know anything about Raven’s situation, honey. But I have something to tell you.” Her voice was heavy, bringing a feeling of foreboding and fear creeping into Clarke’s heart.

            “Mom, you’re scaring me, what’s going on? Is dad okay?”

            “He’s…your dad’s been sick, sweetie,” her voice broken and Clarke knew when her mom was on the edge of tears. Clarke’s mind worked as quickly as possible, thinking back to talking to her dad on the phone less than a week ago. He had sounded tired, but he hadn’t said anything about being sick.

            “Is he okay? Do I need to come home?”

            “Clarke, please let me finish,” she took a deep, hitched breath, “He’s been sick for a while now. He didn’t even want me to know until he got too weak to do things on his own. Then, once he told me, he didn’t want you to know. Honey, he didn’t want you to see him differently than he was before.”

            Clarke’s chest felt like it was caving it, like she might be in a nightmare. She even pinched herself to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. Her throat constricted as tears pricked painfully at her eyes, “What?” her voice was hot and shaky.

            “Clarke, your dad died last night.”

            She couldn’t breathe, it was impossible for her lungs to expand enough to keep oxygen flowing to her brain. Her eyes grew foggy as she tried to force more air through her system, her lungs burning with the effort. “No, w-what?”

            “He had stage four brain cancer, Clarke, there was nothing that could be done. They wanted to make sure he was comfortable before it ended…I know you’re going to be upset and I know you’re going to be angry with me. But please, don’t shut me out. Come home soon, please. We need you over here.” Her voice broke and she sobbed through her phone, “I’m so sorry.”

            It was as if something was hardening inside of Clarke, rage drowned out the grief and confusion. “Why didn’t you tell me? I should have been there, I should have been helping you take care of him. I should have been there to make him feel better!”

            “Clarke, baby, he didn’t want me to tell you. I had to respect his wishes.”

            “No you didn’t!” Clarke nearly shouted, sitting up in bed and rubbing her hands over her face. Her cheeks were wet from tears that had fallen. “I’m his daughter and I am yours too. You don’t just leave me out of this! That’s not your decision to make! I should have been there!”

            “Clarke, please—”

            “No, mom!” her voice cracked. It made her feel weak and she hated feeling that way. She needed to avoid this, get away from it before she couldn’t hold back what she was going to say. “I-I-I have to go, mom. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. I’ll call you later, eventually.”

            She hung up the phone and stared at the screen in shock. She knew she should be crying, her dad was dead. Her dad was _dead._ But she’d just spoken to him, they’d laughed and talking about how stressful mom could be and Clarke told him about work. She should have gone to see him, she should have done so many things.

            Her eyes pricked with tears again and she tossed her phone to the side, pressing the palms of her hands into her eyes. She rubbed the unshed tears away and blinked her eyes open, she didn’t believe this. She _couldn’t_ believe this. If she thought about it too hard, she was going to implode.

            Between Raven, Octavia and Lexa she’d already had a whirlwind of a twenty-four hours. It was hard for her to process anything else, even if it had to do with her father.

            She glanced around, trying to find something to distract herself with. Clarke tried to make an organized list of things she had to do to make sure everything was in order. She pushed aside every emotion she was feeling and started dealing with everything else that was her spiraling life.

            Call work, she really needed to do that. If Marcus didn’t know she wasn’t coming in and she was a no show, he would be pissed. Instead of dwelling on anything else, she picked her phone up again.

            There was a missed voicemail she hadn’t noticed from before. _Listen to that first,_ she told herself before unlocking her phone and opening the app that organized them all. She clicked the play button and brought the device to her ear.

            “ _Hi,” sniffle, “I just….I shouldn’t be calling you. But I need someone to talk to before I implode or explode. I’m sorry, I’m sorry about everything I’ve put you through. I feel like shit about it.”_

            Clarke listened closely, she heard the thick tears in Lexa’s voice, but it was clearly the CEO who had called her. She sounded so broken and tired, maybe a little drunk from the slur in her voice.

            _“I should have left Costia a long time ago, but I couldn’t let go. I’ve hurt you and I’ve hurt her in the process of trying to figure myself out and I’m sorry about that. I’m so sorry.”_

            She kept doing that, apologizing over and over again before breaking down in tears again. Clarke pulled the phone from her ear to figure out how long the message was. It lasted five minutes in total and Clarke didn’t know how to feel. She listened again and her heart felt like it was being squeezed in her chest. Lexa finally calmed down after a minute, sniffling again and sighing.

            “ _I really care about you…probably too much. To the point that I think I might just need you to survive.  I probably won’t remember sending this message in the morning. But if I do, I’ll probably regret it. I…I just want to say I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me, I don’t deserve it. But you’re an amazing person and I’m sorry for hurting you so badly. I’m sure you won’t speak to me again. So I guess this is goodbye.”_

            The line went dead and Clarke felt even worse than she had before, if that was possible. There was still so much to do, so much to take care of and process. But, the only thing Clarke could think about was Lexa alone in her apartment, feeling depressed and self-loathing. It hurt her, no matter how much a part of her knew Lexa deserved it.

            The woman had manipulated Clarke’s feelings. She had started a secret relationship with her that ended with one, if not both of them, getting in too deep. They ended up hurting each other and other people in the process and now, Clarke was feeling bad. No matter how much she wanted to hate Lexa, there was a much bigger part of her that could never fully let go of this woman.

            She knew what it meant, but didn’t want to accept it. She’d been hurt too many times, first by Finn then by Lexa. She was too broken to even think about what it meant to care so much about another person.

            But Lexa was simple. Lexa had always been simple when they didn’t talk. Lexa made her forget and right now, that was exactly what Clarke needed. So when she found herself getting dressed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, before wrapping a jacket around her shoulders to leave her apartment, she knew exactly where she was headed.

            Lexa needed her and inexplicable, Clarke needed Lexa.


	9. Part 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to how Clarke and Lexa's relationship began and how it began spiraling out of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, lovely readers! I know it has been awhile, but I finally got that one-shot out that was driving me insane it had to be written! This chapter came to me so easily and so quickly I’m surprised! I haven’t written so much so quickly since summer vacation. Anyway, this is purely a flashback and the next chapter will cover some more unhealthy Clexa interaction. Enjoy and leave me some comments if you do! ~TGF  
> ~  
> B/N: This shit right here is going to be the death of me. A slow painful delicious torturous death that I welcome immensely! Honestly, if you agree leave TGF some love! Enjoy the update. I know I did! ~RhydianKnight

_(9) Dark Horse – Sleeping At Last (Cover)_

*approximately six months ago*

_After their initial get together, neither of them saw each other. It was obviously going to be a one-time thing for both of them. After the gala, Clarke was asked to commission so many works of art she felt like she was going to drown in paint. Her art was at such a high demand, what remained of her social life was destroyed._

_Lexa, on the other hand, couldn’t really get her mind off of the blonde. Initially, she had felt like it was revenge on her part, aimed at Costia. She wanted to spite her girlfriend for all of the hell she’d put Lexa through for the last couple of months. Then she felt guilty and decided to bury her mistake as deeply as she could, alongside of all of the other things she regretted in her life._

_Maybe she did donate money to the studio Clarke worked at, but that didn’t mean she was caught up on the blonde. No, she shoved her away from her mind and drowned herself in her work._

_Clarke’s excuse for sleeping with Lexa was the stress and nerves of the gala. She didn’t need anything serious and something about Lexa screamed ‘not serious’ and maybe she had gotten caught up in the moment just a little bit. But that didn’t matter because her mind was absorbed with all of the new commissions and popularity of the studio._

_But fate had a funny way of working, especially when Clarke scrolled through social media and stumbled upon Lexa’s Facebook and personal Instagram account. One thing led to another and Clarke found herself refreshing the page constantly to see if Lexa posted anything. The only things the brunette posted were things about work, community organizations and the occasional national news update._

_She found out more about Lexa Woods than she wanted to admit. Lexa was the youngest CEO of such a large business. She was adopted and had worked her way to the top with the help of her adoptive father, who had given her his company after he retired. Lexa was under a lot of scrutiny in the business world because she donated so much money to the community and children. Most big business companies were keeping their eye on her as she was introduced into their society, since she’d only been CEO for about three months._

_Clarke found it incredibly endearing to see that Lexa had gone to college and worked so hard to obtain the education she needed, even if her parents had helped her. She was one of rags to riches because of her own desire to succeed and the assistance of her loving adoptive parents._

_But Clarke was soon distracted again because a couple of weeks later, she was heading to a commissioner’s office. It wasn’t odd to be called to their work place, normally clients wanted a piece to liven up their worker’s bland surroundings, other times it was just out of pure convenience._

_It was a large building, one of the taller ones downtown that had several floors of offices and housed multiple companies. Clarke asked the woman at the front desk what floor the office number she had was on. The receptionist raised both of her eyebrows._

_“That’s on the top floor, sweetheart,” she glanced at Clarke, staring her up and down for a moment disapprovingly. “If you don’t know who that is, you’re in for a surprise. Good luck.”_

_Clarke didn’t understand that, but went with it nonetheless. She knew how rich, business men worked. They were kind of pervy and very cocky, they liked to throw around their money and status while stabbing their ‘friends’ in the back. She didn’t like it, but that was how she paid her bills, so she couldn’t really help it. If she could afford to pick and choose who her paintings were sold to, she would._

_The elevator ride was long, seeing as how the office took over almost the whole top floor. When the doors opened with a resounding ding, Clarke stepped into a quiet, modern reception area. There was a blonde woman behind the desk, talking quietly into a headset while her fingers tapped away at the keyboard in front of her._

_A large, metallic colored sign hung on the wall behind her **Woods Inc** written in large, bold letters. It was lit up behind the woman in an iridescent pale blue color. Clarke knew where she was almost instantly and her stomach clenched. It took all of her willpower not to cuss the lobby out._

_But it was too late to turn back now, the receptionist had caught her eye. She tilted her head up and flashed a pearly white smile. “Hi, how are you?”_

_“Fine,” Clarke tried for a smile back, but knew it ended up looking like a grimace._

_“Do you have an appointment?”_

_Clarke licked her lips, “Yes, my manager told me your boss wanted a commissioned art piece. He sent me here to have a meeting with them.”_

_“Oh! You’re here to see Ms. Woods. Let me just double check on the computer,” she typed a couple of things into the computer. “Alright, everything seems to be in order, Ms. Griffin. I can take you to Ms. Woods now.” She stood and came around the side of the desk._

_Clarke’s eyes were instantly drawn to the tight black dress and the long, tanned legs accentuated by a pair of simple, glossy black heels. This woman had a body that any other girl would kill for, a body that Clarke really appreciated._

_Her hips swayed attractively as she led Clarke down a side hallway and the blonde trailed lazily to admire. She smirked, allowing herself a moment to relax and not freak herself out. She hadn’t seen Lexa in months and the memories of social media stalking her were at the forefront of her mind._

_“Here we are, Ms. Griffin,” The secretary stepped to the side, gesturing to a set of opaque glass doors with the name **Alexandria Woods CEO** in a white, calligraphy over it. _

_Clarke hesitantly grabbed the cool metal handle, feeling as though all of the heat was leaving her body, even though her hands were sweating profusely. This was ridiculous, there was no reason for her to feel so nervous. They slept together. Once. As strangers. They could be professional._

_With a deep, steading breath to calm her nerves, she pushed the door open._

_The executive office was scarcely furnished. A sleek, modern black desk sat near the floor to ceiling window on the far side of the room. It was wide and rectangular, with a black couch in one corner, for a more leisure meeting with a white fur rug underneath a glass coffee table. A wooden filing cabinet was specially fitted along the left wall, closed and neat, housing countless documents any CEO would need._

_It was fancy and bland compared to Clarke’s taste. She’d always loved bright colors and a little bit of chaos in her life. It made things interesting. This was the office of a perfectionist and even though Clarke didn’t know Lexa well, she hadn’t pegged her as a perfectionist._

_Speaking of the gorgeous brunette, once Clarke was finished gawking at her surroundings, her jaw nearly hit the floor. Lexa had been dressed in a suit at the gala and Clarke had taken her time getting her out of it. But seeing this woman in her element, she looked like someone who shouldn’t be messed with._

_She was behind her best, jacket slung over the back of the seat and her crisp, white sleeves rolled up to her elbows. Her forearms were on prominent display as she flourished a quick signature on a document set before her. Her hair was down and cascading over her shoulder in dark waves._

Positively edible, _Clarke thought, unable to keep her initial thoughts censored. But she mentally slapped herself afterward,_ don’t be an idiot, this is serious. This is business.

            _Lexa glanced up, her eyebrows raising in mild surprise as her eyes fell upon Clarke. But she managed to keep a relatively straight face._

_“Clarke,” she greeted, “nice to see you again.” Her voice stayed calm, as if she were greeting a business partner amicably and not a woman she slept with. “You may leave us, Tristan.”_

_Clarke hadn’t even realized the secretary was still standing in the doorway, all of her senses seemed to be taken over by the one and only Lexa Woods. The Lexa Woods who had called her here, and who looked incredibly fuckable right about now._

Stop it, Clarke, _she berated herself, taking a deep breath once again. She crossed her arms over her chest, feeling underdressed compared to the other two women in the room._

_“Of course, Ms. Woods,” Tristan left the two alone. Clarke really wanted to call her back._

_“Have a seat, Clarke,” Lexa said, drawing the artist’s attention back to her. There was a knowing smirk playing on her lips, “Don’t stand there looking like a deer caught in the headlights. This is business.”_

_“Unexpected business,” Clarke moved slowly towards the set of chairs opposite Lexa’s desk before sitting down. She perched on the edge, her back straight and fingers clutching at the leather messenger bag on her shoulder. She had brought some sketching supplies with her, as was her usual process._

_Lexa pushed aside her documents, deliberately. Every move she made was deliberate, slow and completely flawless. She interlaced her fingers together and leaned forward on her forearms. Clarke noticed that her nails were perfectly trimmed, short and buffed until they shined. Everything about this girl was flawless, she would know, she’d seen it._

_She licked her lips then bit the lower one, staring at Clarke intently. It felt like she wanted to say something important, like she was debating something before she opened her mouth, “Clarke, I—” she paused, “I want you to do a painting for me.”_

_Definitely not what she wanted to say, Clarke knew, but it was straight to the point. The room was beginning to feel stifling to the flustered blonde, she didn’t know how to deal with it. Getting out of there as soon as possible would be a great start._

_“Sure,” she managed, barely able to formulate a response, let alone the snarky one she had thought of. “What were you thinking of?”_

_“I want to liven up my office. Make it a little…warmer, you could say.” Lexa leaned backwards, folding her hands into her lap and taking a good look at her surroundings. “This space isn’t really all that appealing. Sometimes it makes me want to fall asleep.” Lexa chuckled softly and rolled her eyes._

_The sound of Lexa’s laugh and the sight of her warm smile eased some of the tension in Clarke’s shoulders. The blonde found herself leaning back in her seat and smiling back. “Yeah, it didn’t feel like you when I walked in.”_

_Lexa’s smile fell and she stared past Clarke towards the door, “Yeah, my COO designed the layout. She would be here but she’s busy with other matters.”_

_“Shouldn’t the CEO be dealing with the more pressing matters?”_

_Lexa rolled her eyes, “What’s the fun in that? You have a COO to do things you don’t actually want to do.”_

_“Ouch, poor girl.” Clarke grinned and watched as Lexa stretched. She seemed to be more at ease as they fell into a familiar banter._

_“Not really,” Lexa shrugged._

_“Anyway,” Clarke began, “what is it that you want me to paint for you.”_

_“Oh!” Lexa jumped a little and rolled her chair backwards. She opened up one of the drawers behind her desk and fished out a picture. “This is a view from my favorite place.”_

_Clarke leaned forward to get a better view of the photo. It was sunset and the perspective was from just above the tree line, the light sending the branches into a blurred shadow. It was difficult to see the details of the surroundings, but it wasn’t hard to tell this was taken from a balcony. The railing was a mahogany color, tinged red and there was a well maintained yard a few stories below, leading straight into the dense forest beyond._

_“Where is this?”_

_“My family’s vacation house in Maine. I want you to paint it for me.”_

_“Based off of this photo?” Clarke pointed to it, raising an eyebrow dubiously. It insulted Clarke. Lexa just wanted to her recreate a photo she’d taken by painting it._

_“This, yes, but I also want you to liven up my office space. Paintings, drawings, photos. Make it interesting,” Lexa nodded, “This one is purely personal.” When she didn’t earn an immediate respond, her eyebrows furrowed. “What’s wrong?”_

_“You want me to paint you something you can just as easily take a picture of. Why?”_

_Lexa glanced away, staring at something past Clarke’s head and clenched her jaw. Something was clearly going through the brunette’s head that Clarke didn’t understand. Finally, after a long moment of tense silence Lexa spoke, “I spent most of my time with my dad there. He’s been feeling sick recently and it’s really had me thinking about what’s going to happen when…you know. I want something that makes me think about our time together. If you accept my offer, I will set up a time for you to meet with him and get to know him. You can ask me questions about our relationship.”_

_Clarke frowned, even more confused than before. “Why me?”_

_The CEO huffed and leaned back in her chair, “I’ve witnessed your art, and you’re amazing with details and fusing emotion into your work. I want something that makes me feel.”_

_“I see,” Clarke licked her dry lips and rubbed the palms of her hands over her jeans. She didn’t know if she wanted to delve into this project, but she needed the money. “I’ll have to think about that. But for now, I know I can accept painting for your business. I can bring it up at our next meeting.”_

_Lexa’s eyebrows rose in surprise. She wasn’t sure why she was so shocked. She had assumed Clarke wouldn’t want to invest in Lexa’s personal life, seeing as they had a past. But she hadn’t outright denied the request. “I can deal with that.”_

_Instead of continuing down the path of Lexa’s father, the brunette slid the picture back into her desk drawer. The woman began throwing out ideas of what Clarke could do to make the workspace more welcoming. They discussed sketches, paintings and detailed drawings. Eventually, Clarke even withdrew her sketching equipment and began making rough outlines of what they were talking about._

_It was easy speaking with Lexa. They worked well together, their minds worked in the same way. They spoke constantly, going over ideas and throwing away bad ones. It wasn’t until Tristan was opening the office door tentatively that they realized time had flown by._

_“I’m sorry to interrupt, Ms. Woods, but your 12:30 is here,” she murmured quietly, only leaning halfway into the room._

_Clarke’s smile died on her lips as their bubble was popped and reality sank back in. This was Lexa Woods, the woman she’d had a one night stand with and wasn’t very sure where she stood. This was a woman who had her a muddled mess in seconds. She blinked and nodded, “Alright, I should get going.”_

_The artist scrambled for her things, shoving them into her back because suddenly she couldn’t get out of there fast enough._

_Lexa stood just as abruptly as she had, “Thank you, Tristan,” she nodded towards the younger girl, “you can go.”_

_Once Tristan was gone, Lexa’s piercing gaze returned to the scrambling blonde before her. “Thank you for meeting with me today, Clarke. I enjoyed our brainstorming session.” She held her right hand out and smoothed her shirt down with the other._

_“Me too,” Clarke smiled thinly and briefly squeezed Lexa’s hand. “When should we set up another appointment?”_

_Lexa cleared her throat and reached towards the corner of her desk, grabbing a business card and a pen before flipping it over and hurriedly writing something down. She did it so quickly it was as if she was trying to do it before she could tell herself not to. Once she finished, she held it between her fingers in Clarke’s direction, “Call or text me when you’re available and I’ll make the time.”_

_Clarke took the card, flipping it over to find an unfamiliar number written on the back in Lexa’s script. She could only assume it was her personal number. “Alright, I will.”_

_She turned to leave and as her fingers came in contact with the metal door handle Lexa’s voice echoed behind her, “It was good seeing you again.” Clarke didn’t turn. She couldn’t. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened the door._

_“You too,” she called back before allowing the door to click shut softly and continued back down the hallway. Her heart was beating harshly in her chest again as she reentered the reception area._

_Tristan was seated behind her desk again and smiled at Clarke when she noticed her, “Did you have a good meeting?”_

_“Yes,” Clarke nodded, “it was very productive.”_

_“That’s great,” Tristan smiled even wider before her eyes moved to the waiting area. A bald man sat there, dressed in a tailored black suit, pressed and wrinkle free. “Mr. Kepa, you may go ahead, Ms. Woods is expecting you.”_

_Clarke’s eyes met those of the no-nonsense man before her. His eyes bore disapproving holes into her head and his jaw clenched as they passed each other. The blonde frowned, unsure of why she was receiving this sort of judgement when she didn’t even know him._

_She tried to pay it no mind, seeing as she was already caught up on the CEO a couple of offices back. Instead, she kept walking, entering the elevator quickly and letting out a relieved breath when it closed and she was alone._

_~   ~   ~_

_“Lexa, who was that girl?”_

_Those were Titus’s first when he entered_ her _office, as if it was his business. He always had a way of overstepping his bounds. Lexa tried to withhold the anger from her voice, but it still came out as a growl. “That is none of your business, Titus. Why did you need to see me?”_

_“Lexa, you know how I feel about your extracurricular activities—”_

_The brunette stood, having replaced her blazer and rolled her sleeves back down to her wrists. Titus was one of her dad’s dearest friends, one of his most trusted advisors next to Costia’s family. Once the two of them had gotten together, their families had gotten along swimmingly._

_“I don’t care how you feel, Titus,” she growled again, “Your job is to advise, so do that.”_

_“I_ advise _,” He gave her a pointed look, “that you sever whatever you are doing with that girl.”_

_Lexa rolled her eyes and laced her fingers together least she strangle the man, “That’s none of your business as I said before. So let’s discuss why you’re actually here, please. Keep my personal life out of it.”_

_~  ~   ~_

_It was a bad idea for Lexa to give Clarke her personal number. Lexa had made a lot of bad decisions once Clarke had entered her life. But it took Clarke nearly five days to get back in touch with Lexa. She wasn’t sure why she had waited so long, but she also wasn’t sure why she had called in the first place._

_“Hello?”_

_“Hi, this is Clarke,” she blurted after a moment. She wasn’t sure if she should call the woman Lexa or Ms. Woods or what would be the most appropriate._

_“Oh, Clarke,” Lexa hummed. “I didn’t think you would call me.”_

_“I know, I’ve been busy with other projects, I apologize,” Clarke lied. In all honesty, Kane had pushed her and pushed her to the point that she had broken. Lexa was offering her a lot of money and she needed it. Not that she didn’t have a substantial income as it was, but this would really help._

_There was some static and Lexa’s muffled voice saying something to someone before she was back, “Sorry, it was Tristan. And there is no reason to apologize, I know you needed time to think.”_

_“About that,” Clarke mulled, staring at the wall across from her. She had painted her room when she’d first moved in, most likely ruining it for any future residence, but she hadn’t cared. She’d been meticulous about the pale green and vines growing up along the accent wall. It was full of nature and reminded her of the times her father had taken her camping. The other three were dark, with galaxies and stars painted in detail along the landscape. “I was thinking we could set up another appointment to meet face to face.”_

_“How about lunch next Tuesday?”_

_Clarke’s heart skipped a beat, a part of her instantly thinking_ date _but she tamped that idea down quickly. “Alright. What time?”_

_“What time is good for you?” One thing that Clarke didn’t know was that Lexa was grinning. She looked like a love struck teenager sitting there and spinning her chair lazily behind her desk. A hot stab of wrongness stabbed through her gut, but it was weaker than the feeling of rightness that washed over her. She could ignore the guilt for now._

_“1:00?”_

_“That sounds good with me, Clarke. I’ll see you then.”_

_“Bye, Ms. Woods.” Clarke rubbed a hand over her face._

_“Call me Lexa, Clarke.”_

_“Lexa. Bye,” she muttered._

_“Bye,” Lexa responded before hanging up the phone. Just as Costia opened the door and began ranting about business numbers and invoices that she needed to sign._

_~   ~   ~_

_Tuesday came all too quickly for Clarke but not fast enough for Lexa. They met at a gourmet sandwich restaurant in Midtown. Lexa had already placed her order by the time Clarke showed up, as she was always early for every appointment she made._

_“Hi,” Clarke smiled as she approached. She was dressed in loose partial-button down red shirt rolled up at the elbows and pair of black pants. The color complimented her pale skin and she looked absolutely beautiful._

_Lexa stood and smoothed her jacket, gesturing to the seat across from her. “Have a seat.”_

_Today she was dressed in a navy blue suit, her shirt a pale blue with a deep blue tie to match. She looked quite dapper to Clarke, her hair tumbling over one shoulder in slick waves of brown._

_They both sat and stared at each other for a moment before a server came over. Clarke placed her order quickly, having figured out what she would want before coming as to not look or feel stupid._

_“So have you thought over my offer?” the brunette asked._

_Even if they were in a much more public setting, she still managed to command the room. She looked imposing and confident and very, very attractive. It intimidated Clarke a little, but she knew they were on more equal ground here rather than Lexa’s office but she didn’t feel more comfortable. If anything, being out in public made it harder to keep this strictly business._

_“Yes,” Clarke nodded and laced her fingers together, “to be completely honest, I want to keep this strictly business. But my manager, Marcus Kane doesn’t want me passing up this offer. He’s convinced me to do the personal project as well as the business one. So I accept.”_

_Lexa smiled, one of those half, amused and knowing smiles that didn’t show any teeth. It was rather sexy. But what about Lexa Woods wasn’t maddeningly attractive? “As I seem to remember, Marcus Kane is a very convincing man.”_

_“Yeah,” Clarke chuckled and sipped at the water Lexa had taken the liberty of ordering for her before she’d shown up. “He said to keep you satisfied by any means necessary.” She nearly choked on her own water at the insinuation, “I didn’t mean, I just—you’re a—I don’t mean to—”_

_Lexa smiled soothingly and leaned forward, placing her hand over the blonde’s. “We should probably talk about that.”_

_Clarke shook her head and cleared her throat of the icy liquid that had tried to kill her. She would much be dead than deal with this anyway. “That’s not necessary.”_

_“Yes it is, Clarke,” and the way she said her name had Clarke melting instantly. It wasn’t fair. “We’re going to be working in close proximity to each other an undetermined amount of time. Having baggage between us isn’t going to help that.”_

_They were saved from having that conversation by their server, who brought their food and set it down on their table. Clarke asked for several things to drag out the guy’s stay by asking questions before finally letting him go and retrieve the sauces she’d asked for. She hoped he would be back for they got too deep into the conversation._

_Lexa grabbed her utensils after taking off her jacket and rolling up her shirt sleeves. Her sandwich was a messy turkey BLT and she definitely didn’t want to get it on her clothing. “Clarke—”_

_“We don’t need to talk about it, Lexa. It happened, it’s over. We were both drunk and stressed from work. There’s nothing to explain.”_

_“Fine.”_

_“Really?” Clarke paused, realized that Lexa had given up so easily but suspicious that there was more to it._

_“Really. So have you thought anymore about designs?” Lexa cut into her sandwich and took a bite._

_Lexa was great at changing the subject and Clarke was great at compartmentalizing her feelings and adapting quickly. They were both also very stubborn, which led to denial that the almost conversation they’d had didn’t even exist. Their food was quickly finished and Clarke pulled her sketchbook out as they got deeper into the conversation._

_“You need more color,” Clarke stated as she pulled out the pack of colored pencils she had. “Maybe something abstract that’ll draw attention.” She went to work, turning to a fresh sheet of paper and playing with different designs._

_Lexa watch, transfixed with the way Clarke’s wrist flicked with ease, somehow managing to create such coherent sketches in moments. The CEO could hardly draw a stick figure, let alone do anything remotely like Clarke did. That was one of the reasons why she was so captivated by the blonde, her artwork. Initially it had been her pieces at the gala. Thought provoking and abstract works mixed with landscapes. The blonde was multitalented and beautiful to boot._

_“You’re really good at this,” Lexa commented after a moment._

_“That’s why you’re paying me to do it, Woods,” Clarke shot back, her hand never slowing and her eyes never leaving the paper._

_Lexa chuckled and watched the blonde work._

_They sat there for a good hour and a half, fifteen minutes into Lexa’s next meeting with Titus. They talked about work and going to school. Sticking to small talk and a little bit of politics until Clarke realized Lexa was insanely educated on the subject and she couldn’t even begin to shine a light to her knowledge._

_Lexa paid for their meals, insisting that it was her duty as she had invited her to a business lunch. They walked out together and wandered down the bustling sidewalk for a good minute discussing the colorful abstract Clarke would be working on. It was going to be the center piece of all six of the works she did._

_The brunette watched Clarke, her hands moving and eyes bright as she spoke about her passion. She wished she had that sort of passion for her business, but really, it was purely her desire to make her parents happy. A bubbling appreciate and attraction for Clarke overwhelmed her senses and made it impossible to think._

_Lexa grabbed Clarke’s forearm in the middle of the busy street and pulled her close before she could think about it. Their bodies pressed flush together and Lexa noticed the confusion and surprise register on the blonde’s face before she pressed their lips together in a kiss that caused every nerve in her body to fry._

_It took her a moment to realize what was going on but when she did, she couldn’t resist the soft, sweet lips that she didn’t realize she’d been missing. Clarke’s fingers tangled in Lexa’s hair and she kissed her back equally as fervent._

_Tanned fingers clutched at firm hips and a flimsy pink top. The New Yorkers on the street continued to bustle on past as if they weren’t even there. The city was desensitized to a lot of things, more focused on getting to work and going about their business to each other. Two women making out in the middle of the crowded sidewalk didn’t cause anyone to bat an eye unless they got in someone’s way._

_Neither of them wanted to pull away because they would have to talk about whatever this was. But eventually, their lungs burned and Lexa tore her lips away from Clarke’s. They stared at each other, pupils blown and breathing erratic. Their foreheads pressed together and they clung to each other like their lives depended on it._

_“Do you want to go somewhere?” Lexa panted, rubbing distracting circles into Clarke’s hipbone over her jeans._

_Clarke couldn’t think straight. Her body was on fire and she wanted Lexa more than she had ever wanted anyone in her entire life. She needed her more than she had ever needed anyone in her life. She couldn’t help the next words that came out of her mouth, “Yes.”_

_Her first mistake had been sleeping with Lexa the first time._

_The second had been taking her personal phone number._

_The third was saying that one word._

_Everything spiraled out of control after that._


	10. Part 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa finally talk...kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh man, oh man, oh man. I couldn’t stop writing after updating the last chapter. Honestly, I was writing like a crazy person. This chapter was the one I thought of first. Inspired by Shameless, I knew it was going to be smutty so here you are.
> 
> PS: I imagine Clarke kissing Lexa just as the bass drops in the song. So while they’re talking, the song is starting and then when everything starts going down BOOM, bass drop. Okay, yeah, I’m a dork. Enjoy and let me know what you think! I always love reading comments and responding!
> 
> ~TGF
> 
> B/N: Holy shit, guys! Prepare yourselves for a doozy of an update. Get some ice. That’s all I’m saying. ~RK

 

_(10) Shameless – The Weekend_

            Clarke stood there, staring at the dark, sleek door in front of her. The notches and scratches in the wood were much more interesting than what most likely laid beyond them. She didn’t know how long she had been there, standing in the hallway and questioning whether or not she should knock.

            Her head ached but her chest ached more. She felt worse than she had at her apartment but still, here she was. She knew Lexa would be just on the other side and they were both a mess. She didn’t have anywhere else to go, everyone else was so wrapped up in Raven—like she should be—that her dad wouldn’t be at the forefront of their minds. If she went to her friends, they would want her to talk because they _knew_ her better than she knew herself sometimes.

            But with Lexa, there wouldn’t be any of that talking, not if she shut herself down enough. Lexa wouldn’t know about Clarke’s dad or how torn up she was about his death. No, Lexa was simple and easy and that was what she needed.

            Instead of thinking about it any further, Clarke brought her hand up and knocked firmly before she crossed her arms over her chest and licked at her lips nervously, bouncing on her toes as she waited.

            The door swung open and Lexa revealed herself. The brunette was dressed in a pair of sweatpants and the same shirt from the night before, more rumpled albeit. Her hair was strung up into a messy bun and her eyes…well, her eyes were puffy and red. Her lips looked chapped and swollen as if she had been biting at them for hours on end.

            “You look like a mess,” Clarke blurted out.

            Jade eyes rolled as Lexa placed a hand on her hip, the other rested against the door. “Did you come here to make me feel worse?” The comment was meant to be biting, but her voice was raspy and weak from lack of sleep and excessive crying.

            “No,” Clarke licked her lips, in all honesty she thought Lexa somehow managed to look just as beautiful as ever like this.

            “Then what are you doing here?”

            The artist opened her mouth to reply but then shut it when she didn’t have a response. She glanced away, staring into the darkness of Lexa’s apartment. She licked her lips again and squeezed her arms tighter around her as tears pricked her eyes. “I—” she paused before clearing her throat and blinking several times, “I needed to be somewhere else.”

            “Why?”

            “Why have you been crying?” Clarke quirked an eyebrow and stepped forward, close enough to lean against the doorway, but still far enough away that she wasn’t invading Lexa’s space.

            The brunette looked up for a second, her chest rising and falling in a slow, measured breath before her eyes returned to Clarke’s. “It doesn’t matter.”

            “Exactly,” Clarke breathed, relieved because they were on the same page. She stepped closer and when Lexa didn’t back down, she took another step until their chests brushed. Her eyes never deviated from Lexa’s, the green just as calming as ever even though they were filled with a turmoil that Clarke didn’t understand. Her fingers came up and brushed along the crook of Lexa’s elbow lightly as she spoke her next words, “It doesn’t matter.”

            They both surged forward at that, as if trying to keep themselves separated was too hard. Their bodies crashing together was anything but soft. Their lips were hesitant, as if both of them were testing the waters and only tenderly brushed. Once their lip touched though, their kisses grew heated as if neither of them could get enough of each other. Clarke took several large steps in Lexa’s direction, swept her thumb over high cheek bones and kissed her harder than before, addicted to the taste of those lips.

            Their bodies slammed against the far wall, Clarke’s lips and body overpowering Lexa’s easily at the sudden onslaught. The breath escaped Lexa in a huff and her shoulder blades flared with pain from the force. Lexa could feel her lips ache as Clarke bit at them, but found herself unable to pull away. The blonde was practically vibrating in front of her, the anger and hurt evident with every rough touch and bruising kiss.

            Tears pricked at Lexa’s eyes, no matter how much she tried to stop them, she knew she’d hurt the woman before her. Her breath became ragged as Clarke’s hands were everywhere at once, yanking vehemently at clothes because she wanted them _off_. Lexa managed to tear her lips away from Clarke’s and suck in a needed gasp of air, but that didn’t stop the blonde.

            Soft lips trailed down the column of her neck, biting roughly and leaving dark red marks in their trail. Lexa yanked at Clarke’s hair and blinked away the tears in her eyes before shoving at her shoulders to gain leverage.

            Just as they separated, the blonde’s hand came up and pressed hard against Lexa’s sternum, keeping her pinned to the wall. The air left her lungs so suddenly she was left gasping, her chest aching. Their eyes met, Lexa’s wide with confusion as Clarke’s were alight with a fire and something worse, something a little less friendly that Lexa had never seen before.

            “No,” Clarke growled, firm and clear, her fingers not digging yet insistent against her skin.

            _This is different,_ Clarke thought, being with Lexa had meant something to her. Every time they had been together it had made Clarke fall slowly but surely deeper into the web of the brunette’s charm and charisma. But she was _done_ now.

            _This doesn’t mean anything._

            Lexa gave a firm nod, her chest ached but this was different. She could feel it and knew Clarke was only here for one thing.

            As soon as she was given consent, Clarke surged forward again, her fingers unrelenting at stubborn clothes. Her lips were desperate as they moved against Lexa’s. The brunette tried to hang on for dear life, considering that was all she could do.

            Clarke couldn’t take it; Lexa’s shirt was yanked over her head just before a pair of lips latched on to her neck roughly. The brunette winced, but slid her fingers underneath Clarke’s shirt anyway.

            Blunt fingernails bit into the sensitive flesh at the base of her neck and an involuntary groan escaped her lips. Lexa’s fingers pressed sharply against Clarke’s hips, tight enough to bruise as she pulled away, gasping. Their eyes met for a moment, Clarke’s burning an angry, insatiable blue.

            A wandering hand slipped over the tight expanse of Lexa’s stomach, tracing the contours and lines it found there. Clarke’s other hand slid into Lexa’s, tangling their fingers together before pinning it above her head.

            Lexa squirmed and gasped, her stomach shivering at the light caresses of Clarke’s calloused fingers. Her head thumped against the wall as those same fingers made a torturous downward trek towards Lexa’s pubic bone.

            She pulled away for a second, grabbing Lexa’s other hand—which was clutching at the back of her shirt—and pinning it next to her other one. Finally, Clarke used one hand to tightly hold Lexa’s wrist above her head. She squeezed hard, a clear indication to keep them there.

            “Stay,” Clarke growled right in her ear, sending gooseflesh radiating down Lexa’s spine. Clarke kept her hand over Lexa’s wrists but moved the other one down over the brunette’s abdomen and into her sweatpants.

            Lexa’s eyes squeezed shut and her head rolled back as Clarke’s fingers came in contact with the wet patch in between her legs. The blonde bit down on the tense muscles between Lexa’s neck and shoulder in warning before pulling away when she elicited a moan.

            “Keep your eyes open,” she breathed in warning and shoved Lexa’s soaked underwear to the side. She delved in, rubbing her fingers through slick, wet folds. Clarke nearly groaned out loud at the feeling. She couldn’t help herself, she wanted to consume this woman before her. She wanted to make her a writhing mess of emotions beneath her. She wanted to make Lexa break beneath her touch.

            Clarke circled Lexa’s clit with her fingers for a moment, testing and teasing. Her tongue explored the cords of muscles along Lexa’s neck again, finding the places that made the brunette squirm even more than she already was.

            The CEO tried to pull her hands away, her back arching away from the wall when two of Clarke’s fingers expertly slid down to her entrance and gathered copious amounts of wetness before plunging forward. Lexa’s body felt like it was going to combust it felt so good.

            Clarke eagerly thrusted hard and fast, barely giving Lexa any time adjust to the intrusion. But she didn’t care, no the stretch and movement of Clarke’s talented fingers had her completely lost in bliss. The brunette wanted to close her eyes but she knew what Clarke had said and forced herself to keep them open.

            The blonde on the other hand, couldn’t take it. She tried to get lost in the feeling of having Lexa at her utter mercy but all she could think about was how much it still hurt. Clarke dipped her head down and rested it in the crook of Lexa’s neck, choosing to suck a huge hickey right into the base of her neck.

            She thrusted harder, intent on making Lexa sore enough to remember this for a couple of days. Clarke squeezed her wrists, a warning to keep them where they were before letting go. She brought her hand down to Lexa’s thigh, lifting it and bringing it around her waist. The change in angle had the brunette twisting her hips and rolling them in time with Clarke’s thrusts.

            “Fuck, Clarke,” the brunette moaned, her hands clasping each other to keep them from grasping at the blonde. She wanted to pull her closer and she really wanted to kiss her like her life depended on it. But this was not the time for that. Now, Clarke was clearly fucking her out of frustration. “Please.”

            Clarke’s buried her fingers deeper as she felt Lexa’s walls clench tighter around them, indicating she was getting close. She curled them upwards, searching for the spongy spot that would make the brunette see stars. Lexa kept moving, in search for more and it drove Clarke crazy. She brought her free hand to Lexa’s hip, roughly pinning her back against the wall.

            Her fingers moved faster, curling at the end of every inward thrust and dragging out slowly every time. Lexa’s skin was glistening with sweat and her face was scrunched up in pleasure and concentration as she tried to keep herself from dropping her hands from above her head.

            Lexa’s walls tightened even more and her heel dug into the back of Clarke’s thigh as she got closer to the edge. It felt like a heavy ball was settled in the pit of her stomach, slowly expanding and building in size until Lexa felt as though she was about to burst. Clarke knew how to work over her body so well.

            When Clarke added a third finger and brought her thumb over her clit, Lexa saw stars. Her stomach clenched and her entire body went ridged as she cried out, her orgasm crashing over her so unexpectedly she thought she was going to collapse. Her legs felt like Jell-o and if it wasn’t for Clarke pinning her hips against the wall she was sure she wouldn’t have been able to hold herself up.

            Clarke slowed down but didn’t stop, rubbing along Lexa’s walls until she was too sensitive to allow her to continue. Lexa’s hands came down and she lightly shoved against the blonde, unable to take anymore. The artist gave a couple more rubs to her clit before pulling out and pulling far enough away from Lexa to look at her.

            They were still tightly pressed against each other. They were sweaty and breathing heavily. Lexa’s body felt as though it was on fire still. She wanted Clarke still, but her body was too weak to really do much.

            Her hand came up and brushed a sweaty strand of blonde hair away from her lover’s neck. It was a tender gesture that made Clarke’s stomach clench painfully because it was so different from what they were doing a moment before. They stared at each other though, blue staring intently into tired, dull green.

            Lexa’s eyes were filled with such a sadness that it pulled at Clarke’s heart. They stared at each other and it was like seeing someone they didn’t know. They were too different, too intertwined and too bad for each other. Yet here they were.

            Tears pricked at Lexa’s eyes again, but she didn’t want to be weak. She didn’t want to cry in front of Clarke, she didn’t want to give the woman something to feel bad about. Though she wasn’t sure that Clarke would feel bad. Instead she squeezed her eyes shut, laced her fingers through the sweaty baby hairs at the back of Clarke’s neck and brought their lips back together in a hungry kiss.

            She managed to shove the blonde away from the wall and wander into the living room. Lexa wrestled Clarke’s jacket off of her shoulders along with the t-shirt underneath. Her lips and tongue made quick work of tasting her pale skin, enjoying the salty and familiar taste.

            The armrest connecting with the back of Clarke’s legs, caused her to fall backwards and Lexa’s elbow to bite into her ribcage painfully as she fell on top of her, but that didn’t deter either of them. Lexa scrambled up the blonde’s delectable body to gain the upper hand and pressed their lips together once again. Her nails scraped down the bare, soft curve of Clarke’s hip before tugging uselessly at her pants.

            They both wanted this more than either of them could admit. It was like finally coming up for air after so long of drowning in the stress of their realities. So much had happened in such a short time that their simple, straightforward physical connection was a necessary relief.

            Clarke hated it though. She hated it, but she also loved it. She loved all the complications that came with falling for this complex woman. That didn’t mean she wasn’t hurt, of course, not by a long shot. But for the moment she could forget about all of that and just feel. She could be selfish and Lexa would give her what she wanted. What she desperately needed.

            They separated for another moment as Lexa focused more on the impossible button of Clarke’s jeans rather than kissing her.  She settled between Clarke’s legs and pulled them over her hips and down her thighs. Blue eyes bore holes into her head as she watched Lexa move above her.

            The artist wiggled her hips and helped Lexa before leaning up and pressing their lips together again. She managed to get her knees beneath her when the brunette was preoccupied and pressed Lexa back against the other side of the couch until she was hovering above her.

            Clarke made quick work of Lexa’s bra after untying her hair, allowing it to cascade down her back. The instant she did so, her fingers were tangled in the long, soft tresses. Running them through to smooth it before stretching downward to kiss along Lexa’s neck and chest.

            Clarke took a moment to marvel at the topless beauty underneath her, enjoying the way her chest fell and rose with every panting breath and the way she squirmed beneath her. The way her cheeks flushed and her eyes avoided Clarke’s whenever they met.

            Lexa was a nervous lover, one that took a while to open up. She wasn’t confident about herself when it came to sex, not always at least. Clarke had learned that early on during their sexual relationship. It grew easier and easier for the brunette to take control every time they were together. But Lexa still liked to go slow, to savor and relish in what she was doing. Sometimes it was frustrating and sometimes it made Clarke feel as though she was being worshipped and praised.

            Now, Clarke tried to ignore that and everything good about Lexa besides her attractive body and those ridiculously talented tongue and fingers. She focused on the pleasure points that had the CEO a writhing mess. That spot just below her jaw, her pulse point and her earlobe. It wasn’t hard, purely pushing more buttons to bring her back to the threshold of sexual frustration so she would work her over again.

            Every time Clarke’s teeth scraped over Lexa’s carotid artery, she shivered. Every pass of Clarke’s damnably teasing fingers over her pelvic bone had her stomach spasming. Clarke loved teasing her, the way she responded could be so violent and explosive it was hard to resist being mesmerized.

            Heat was radiating through Lexa’s body, straight in between her legs until she was throbbing once again. Her previous orgasm had made it easy to rile her up all over again. But Clarke wasn’t making any move to continue. Her lips nipped playfully at her neck, peppering light red marks along it that would fade within the next couple of hours.

            Clarke’s nose brushed along Lexa’s neck, “What do you want?” Her voice was raspy with need.

            Lexa opened her mouth, but before she could respond a firm thigh was pressed between her legs at the perfect angle and the only thing that escaped was a moan.

            “What was that?” Clarke eased the pressure, but brought her fingers up to tease at one of Lexa’s pebbled nipples.

            Lexa gasped and squirmed, “You. Please, God, you. Again.”

            Clarke smirked at that, taking sadistic pleasure in getting this woman to say she wanted _her_ in the living room she shared with her _girlfriend_. It was petty and childish, but a swell of pride spread through her chest. She hooked her fingers into the waistband of Lexa’s pants, pulling them down and off as quickly as possible before reassuming her position between spread legs.

            The brunette was clad in a pair of simple silky black underwear that were soaked in the crotch area. It was most definitely Clarke’s fault that she ruined such a nice pair of underwear but she wanted more. Clarke brought her hand down and traced her fingers over the wet spot once again. She dipped her head and took one of Lexa’s peaks deep into her mouth, lavishing it with her tongue and nipping it with the edge of her teeth.

            Lexa arched into her instantly, her hands flying into golden tresses to hold Clarke’s mouth where it is. Warm skin against hers, Clarke curved her hand around to Lexa’s lower back, holding their bodies tighter together. She used her free hand to lightly twist and tease at the other peak, enjoying the moans and whimpers her movements elicit.

            “Clarke, please,” Lexa whined before devolving into a whimpering mess when attention was only switched to the other breast.

            The blonde didn’t let up and Lexa’s core grew hot so quickly she thought she was going to spontaneously combust. She tried to clear her head as Clarke let go of her nipple and started sucking a hickey into a spot just along her ribcage. Her fingers yanked at blonde hair, trying to pull her away for a quick moment to gain the upper hand, but failing miserably.

            When the artist finally allowed Lexa to coax her back up her body, Lexa switched their position in an expertly maneuvered flip. She didn’t miss a beat as her lips and tongue found homage along Clarke’s chest, the taste of her skin tinged with salt. Her fingers trailed around to Clarke’s bra, unclasping it and pulling it off the blonde in a quick motion.

            Before Clarke could begin to protest at the shift in power, Lexa’s fingers are in her underwear. They delve between slick folds, finding an inexplicably large amount of wetness that makes Lexa’s stomach clench with desire. Her fingers completely soaked, Lexa skated along Clarke’s slit before climbing back up, avoiding her clit.

            Clarke groaned, arching into the brunette’s touch. “Fuck.”

            Two of Lexa’s fingers traced around her entrance, teasing it as Lexa enjoyed the expressions flickering across Clarke’s face. Her eyes were shut tightly and her teeth dug into her lower lip, whenever she wasn’t whimpering, moaning or whining indistinguishable words of pleasure and want.

            After several long moments of the chasing game and Lexa enraptured by the blonde’s expressions, Clarke snapped. “Fuck, please, Lexa. Please.”

            “Please what?” Even though Lexa wanted to let everything go, all of the confusion and anger and feelings for Clarke and for Costia, she wanted to let it all escape and pour it into doing something. And Clarke wasn’t going to easily get away with this. She had already given Clarke what she wanted, now it was her turn.

            She didn’t know what she was doing anymore, she only knew that she had wanted Costia and now she wanted a woman she wouldn’t be able to have because she’d hurt her.

            “Fuck me, please.” Clarke’s voice was breathless and cracked slightly over the last syllable because Lexa’s fingers were already sliding into her. The blonde was so wet, there was little resistance, just welcoming warmth around her fingers. It elicited a groan before she took off, setting a brutal pace plunging in and out of her.

            All of her emotion spilled forth as she curved her fingers in just the right way, searching for the spot that would drive Clarke crazy. She knew it and she knew it well, having come to crave the reactions it caused.

            Clarke’s words didn’t come after that. They were just breathless moans and whimpers along with the occasional, mumbled ‘more’. Lexa never stopped moving though. She sought out the places she knew would make Clarke scream with her mouth. She bit at sensitive flesh, then moved downward, fingers rubbing and thrusting along the way.

            With every movement, Clarke got closer. Her eyes were squeezed tightly shut and her hips arched towards Lexa’s fingers. Sharp jolts of heat and pleasure radiated through her abdomen causing the muscles to clench. Her fingers tangled in Lexa’s hair, pulling and guiding the brunette to the most pleasant places.

            It was mere minutes before Clarke was closing in on the peak of her orgasm. She could feel it building, slowly and surely—like an earthshaking wave of bliss. Her fingers tightened in Lexa’s curls as her walls clenched around those long expert digits. She yanked the older woman up, crushing their lips together just as those fingers curled into just the right spot and she was sent plummeting in heavenly oblivion.

            Clarke cried out into Lexa’s mouth as she continued moving, but at a much slower pace. The kiss is soft, softer than hers had been as she comes down from her high. Slowly, her body uncoils from its tension and melts underneath Lexa. The brunette withdraws her fingers and their bodies relax against each other.

            Their lips separated and their eyes met for a split second before Clarke dipped down and nipped along the column of Lexa’s neck. Her calloused fingers caught along the curved, clenching muscles of the brunette’s oblique. Clarke pressed against her skin, softly urging the woman above her off and into a standing position.

            She followed quickly after her, cupping the side of her face and connecting their lips in another searing kiss. It rekindled the flames, their blood boiling in their veins and Clarke felt ready for more almost instantly.

            Lexa guided them backwards, towards her bedroom. Clarke’s hands roamed over her skin, grabbing roughly and possessively at her ass. The next thing she knew, Clarke was picking her up and she was being slammed against another wall. Her legs instinctively wrapping around rounded hips and her hands grasping at broad shoulders.

            She squeaked, but it was drowned out by Clarke’s tongue invading her mouth once again. She dominated it, easily taking control over Lexa and turning her into a mess of arousal and need. The blonde’s nails raked over her sides again, sending burning trails of pleasure pain spreading through her.

            Clarke grasped at the underside of Lexa’s thighs, taking most of her weight into her arms. She moved away from the wall, stumbling down the hallway and towards the general direction of Lexa’s bedroom.

            The brunette reached out to her left, grabbing at the door handle as Clarke kissed down her neck again. She knew it would be bruised by the time they were finished, but at this point, she really didn’t care. All she wanted was Clarke all over her. When they stopped their forward progression, Clarke lost in the feeling and taste of Lexa’s bare skin, she turned and allowed the older woman to twist the door open and Lexa nearly fell backwards out of Clarke’s arms as she stumbled forward.

            Clarke laid her out on the bed, moving down the brunette’s chest and lavishing her breasts with as much attention as she could until she was urged lower. She slowed down then, kissing over firm abdominal muscles and introducing tongue and teeth where needed. Lexa’s stomach was sensitive and Clarke was easily entertained, watching and feeling the muscles flutter and jump beneath her skin was one thing Clarke could spend all day doing.

            _Quit it,_ she told herself, moving lower and hooking her fingers into Lexa’s underwear as she fell to her knees, _you’re here for a reason._ Her gaze trailed up the tanned curves and sharp edges of Lexa’s body. She was lying flat on her back, breasts perking up on her chest and nipples tight points on the top. Her rest rose and fell with heavy breaths, accentuating the sculpted abs with every inhale.

            There was no denying that Lexa Woods was a work of art Clarke would love to get the chance to paint. Her fingers itched to grab a sketch pad and capture this absolutely divine image before her. But she was here purely to ravage the woman before her, not get sentimental.

            At Clarke’s hesitation, Lexa glanced up in confusion. When their eyes met, green darkened with lust at seeing Clarke looking at her _that_ way. The way she did sometimes when she thought she wasn’t being watched. With such inexplicable adoration that it made Lexa’s cheeks tinge red.

            After a moment, Clarke finished discarding black underwear and pushed Lexa’s legs apart. Her head dipped down and her tongue delved into the juncture between toned thighs.

~   ~   ~

            Clarke felt dirty, lying in Lexa’s bed, most likely on her _girlfriend’s_ side of the bed. This had been a horrible idea. A moment of weak, stupidity that she was going to regret along with a dozen other things in her life.

            Lexa laid on her side, facing Clarke but her eyes were closed. She looked too at peace, especially with all the unspoken words still between them. Maybe they had worn each other out, but still, Clarke’s brain was incredibly active and constantly rolling through unhealthy thoughts.

            “I should go,” she muttered, knowing Lexa wasn’t completely asleep. Before the brunette could respond, she was up and grabbing for her underwear that had been tossed onto the floor. She pulled them on and was in search of her bra when Lexa moved to intercept her.

            The brunette had pulled on a loose-fitting shirt that had been hanging off the dresser to cover up her nakedness. She lightly touched Clarke’s shoulder as the blonde began clasping her bra on.

            “You don’t have to,” she breathed, her voice soft and vulnerable as she spoke.

            Clarke froze and tensed, rolling her eyes up towards the ceiling in frustration. She was too adept at giving Lexa whatever she wanted, especially when it was the complete opposite of what _she_ needed. She finished putting her bra on and braced herself, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I have somewhere to be.”

            “Clarke, please,” Lexa’s voice cracked for a split second. “Stay.”

            The blonde turned sharply, taking several steps forward and backing Lexa towards the dresser. “Why should I? After everything that’s happened.”

            Lexa’s breath hitched, but her eyes were the size of saucers and glistening with unshed tears and emotions. They had always been so expressive and easy to read for Clarke but right now, she couldn’t be distracted by them.

            “Please?” Lexa swallowed and licked her lips, looking past Clarke at something behind her. “Costia and I…we’re over. It’s over.”

            That shocked Clarke enough to make her pause. Her eyes searched Lexa’s for any sign of a lie but when she found none she recoiled, stepping back. Maybe a spark of hope lit in her stomach, simmering into a warmth that spread through her body but she tried to tamp it down. She had gotten her hopes up too many times already.

            She schooled her features and straightened her back, attempting to look as dignified and aloof as possible in just her underwear. Infusing as much venom into her words as possible, she said, “What makes you think I care?”

            Clarke whipped around, not wanting to discuss anything else. She hastily entered the living room and scooped her pants off the floor by the couch, pulling them on and buttoning them. Her shirt was next but she could hear Lexa’s footsteps following her and knew this wasn’t over. She managed to pull the t-shirt over her head when Lexa yanked at her arm and pulled her so they were face to face.

            Green eyes bore into blue, utter conviction and ferocity written on her face but her words were soft, “If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have come here.”

            “I don’t care,” she tried to keep her voice steady, but even she could hear it shake.

            “What about last night?”

            “I was drunk and with my friends.”

            “The song?”

            “It didn’t mean anything.”

            “ _Yes_ it did,” each word was emphasized with a slow articulation, as if Lexa had already convinced herself and needed Clarke to admit it as well.

            Something snapped inside of Clarke, something that had been building up over months and months of their relationship. Her heart leapt in her chest and heat spread through her body, a fire igniting in her blood. She pushed Lexa back, advancing on her once again. “Of course I care, Lexa! You know I care! I’ve cared more than you could possibly imagine! You were just too wrapped up in yourself to notice how _fucked up_ we are.”

            Lexa licked her lips, taken aback by the sudden attack. “I’m sorry.”

            “That’s not good enough,” Clarke growled, moving to step around the woman before her. The woman that had made her life a complicated mess for far too long. “I have to go.”

            Lexa couldn’t let her leave; she physically could not take them separating on this horrible note. Her heart clenched and dropped into her stomach, but she reached out anyway, stopping Clarke in her tracks once again. “Please tell me there’s something I can do.”

            Her eyes were pleading and Clarke couldn’t look away. She opened her mouth to bite back a response, maybe something about never wanting to see Lexa again. But that was a lie. She wanted to see her every day, no matter how much it hurt.

            “Please,” Lexa insisted, bringing them closer together. “I have feelings for you, Clarke. I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about anyone. You’re like a whirlwind of carefree and creativity I’ve never been capable of handling. You open my eyes to new ideas and make me think about things differently. I know I’ve hurt you and I know I can’t change that. But let me prove to you that I can be here for you.” When she couldn’t tell if her words were getting through, she knew she had to take the leap. She had to put everything out there and tell Clarke exactly how she felt.

            “Clarke,” she began, sucking in a deep breath, “I’m falling in love with you. I have been for a while now and it took me too long to realize it. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. Is there _anything_ I can do? Just tell me.” Her eyes clouded with tears and Clark’s face blurred in her vision.

            Clarke’s heart stopped in her chest before resuming at a much faster pace. Her mind went blank and she blinked. This could not possibly be happening right now. This might have been something she would have been happy to hear months ago, when they had first started out and she had been happily oblivious to Costia’s existence. But now was not then and Clarke couldn’t just accept it.

            She shook her head vehemently, denying that Lexa had even fathomed saying those words. She took several steps back, nearly tripping over her own shoes in the process. “No.”

            “I’m sorry, Clarke.” Lexa reached out to touch her, but the blonde jerked away.

            “Don’t,” she stuttered, “I can’t believe you just said that.” She brought her hands to her face and rubbed her eyes to stop the tears threatening to spill forth. “I need to leave. _Now_. Like right now.” She reached for her jacket and couldn’t get to the front door fast enough. Her fingers hovered over the doorknob as she paused.

            Lexa hadn’t followed her; she could leave just as quickly as she had come. But something stopped her from making that final move. From closing the door on them and their potential forever.

            “Lexa?” She called, turning back around and facing the direction of the living room. She couldn’t see the brunette, but she knew she was there.

            “Yeah?” She turned around the corner, face flushed and eyes red-rimmed but dry of tears. She ran a hand through her hair, looking vulnerable and heartbroken before laying her eyes on Clarke.

            Clarke closed her eyes, hating herself for saying her next words but unable to resist. “Are you sure?”

            “Yes,” was her instant response. “I’m sure.”

            “Three months, then. Give me three months and maybe I can find a way to forgive you,” she finally opened her eyes and settled her breathing. “And forgive myself.”

            “Okay,” the single word was tinged with multiple questions.

            “Remember the park?”

            “The fountain?”

            “Yeah,” Clarke nodded and leaned back against the door, ready to pull it open.

            “Three months?” Lexa questioned, not fully believing that she was actually getting a chance. She thought she’d wrecked this, like she’d done with most things in her life as of late. But no, Clarke was giving her _one more chance._

            “Three months.”

 


	11. Part 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback for Clarke and Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies! I know it has been awhile but I have finally found the time to finish this chapter. In case of any confusion, this is going to be a flashback of Clarke and Lexa's relationship. I hope you enjoy and drop me a comment if you'd like! I thank you for sticking around.
> 
> ~TGF

_Hurt Me—Lapsley_

            _Clarke and Lexa were meant to meet with Lexa’s father at 2:00 pm to discuss the painting Lexa wanted for him. But they were still tangled in the rumpled sheets for their hotel room. Clarke’s fingers traced down the tattoo trailing along Lexa’s spine absentmindedly, enraptured by the way the sun soaked into tanned skin._

_She shifted a little, resting her head in her hand a little more comfortably. “If we want to make it to lunch…”_

_Lexa shushed her and rolled over, squirming closer to Clarke. Her eyes fluttered open, hazy with sleepiness but the green in them still vivid enough to catch instantly. “Is it bad that I don’t want to go?”_

_The way Lexa looked at her, with a glint in her eyes Clarke couldn’t quite read, yet still made her stomach do backflips, sent a shiver down her spine. “It's not bad,” she agreed and brushed a strand of curling hair out of Lexa’s face. “But this is an important meeting.”_

_“I guess,” Lexa rolled her eyes, yet didn’t make a move to get up._

_Clarke was the first to finally move into a sitting position and ruin their fantasy. Once she was out of bed and in the adjacent bathroom, Lexa had no choice but to get up. It had been nearly two weeks since their initial kiss outside of the sandwich shop and they had adopted a sort of schedule. They didn’t see each other every day, but about three times a week they either went out to lunch when Lexa’s schedule was free or met directly at the hotel they had visited initially._

_Without the warmth of Clarke’s body keeping the bed comfortable, Lexa was forced to begrudgingly force herself out of bed. A few moments later, she was in the bathroom with a toothbrush._

_“So what’s your dad like, exactly?” Clarke questioned, raising her voice over the sound of the shower running. The water was warm and steaming, relaxing Clarke’s tense muscles as she bathed._

_“He can be a hard ass when it comes to business, so don’t expect him to be all smiley. He’s cold initially, but I’m almost certain he’ll warm up to you,” Lexa wet the toothbrush after placing the toothpaste on it, then placing it in her mouth._

_“Oh, you think? Why is that?”_

_Lexa made a muffled noise while she brushed her teeth and watched herself in the mirror. She’d tossed on her button up before entering the bathroom, though didn’t care enough to fully clothe herself. She rinsed her mouth and splashed water over her face. “Because you’re pretty likeable.”_

_“Oh am I?” Lexa could hear the smirk in Clarke’s tone and the teasing note as well._

_“You are, but don’t get a big head about it.” Lexa rolled her eyes and turned to face the shower, where the frosted glass blurred Clarke’s naked figure. “Do you have questions lined up for him?”_

_Clarke scoffed and tilted her head back to rinse her hair. “Of course, I do. I’m a professional, Lexa.”_

_“What do you plan on asking him then? He’s not the most forthcoming guy, you know.”_

_Clarke shut off the shower moments later and exited, wrapping a towel around her as she moved. It struck Lexa in that moment, as Clarke towel dried her hair, that this scene was very domestic. Her heart thrummed a little faster in her chest as she watched water drip from those blonde waves, over the curve of a pale neck and downward to get lost in Clarke’s cleavage._

_She licked her lips, mouth suddenly dry. Lexa couldn’t help but think she could do this with Clarke every single day. A pang of guilt stabbed through her chest at the sudden thought and she couldn’t help but glance away as the feeling settled uncomfortably into the pit of her stomach. She instinctively looked away from Clarke, who didn’t notice her sudden shift in mood._

_“I’m the artist here, Lexa. I’m not teaching you my tricks. It would be counterproductive,” Clarke sent her a smirk and a side eye before messing with her hair in the mirror._

_Lexa rolled her eyes again and watched as Clarke busied herself with getting ready._

_~   ~   ~_

_They arrived at the restaurant on time, but no matter how early Lexa normally was to appointments, her father was always earlier. They drove separately, Lexa having taken He was a brute of a man, looking less like a striking businessman and more of a Mountain man from the History channel with his intimidating beard and size._

_Clarke’s eyebrows shot up her forehead as she caught sight of him. Lexa looked nothing like him from initial view, with her lithe size. Mr. Woods was dressed in a suit that showed off his large size. His hair was pulled back into one of those trendy man-buns, but somehow it made him look more manly. His face was tanned and smooth, but his eyes were piercing, even as they smiled at Clarke across the table._

_He extended his hand, “Hi, I’m Gustus Woods, you must be Ms. Griffin.” He glanced at Lexa as he spoke to Clarke, but seemed to approve of her expression because he seemed to smile wider. It was an exchange Clarke was familiar with having with her own father and she smiled. His voice rumbled low, but still managed to maintain its volume. It was a difficult voice to ignore._

_“Call me, Clarke.” She took his hand, hers nearly lost in his much larger one. He was slightly intimidating and if Clarke didn’t have as much of a stubborn streak as she did, she probably would have shied away from him._

_“Well, Clarke, it is nice to finally meet you. Have a seat,” he gestured and all three of them settled around the table, “I must say, when Lexa told me about this, I was quite surprised. She’s been into art ever since she was little, but I’ve never been interested in it myself. No offense meant, of course.” He raised his hands and eyebrows._

_“None taken, Mr. Woods. I’m just glad we’re finally capable of meeting with each other, I know you and Lexa have busy schedules.”_

_Gustus chuckled, “I’m sure you have a busy schedule as well, Ms. Griffin. But it is a miracle Lexa can take the time for this, I’m sure she’s got Costia picking up her slack.”_

_Clarke felt Lexa tense next to her and glanced over. Waves of anxiety radiated from the older woman so intensely it drew everyone’s attention at the table. Clarke attempted to ignore, opting to draw Gustus Woods into conversation._

_She pulled out her notepad and took notes as she learned more about Lexa’s father. It was like seeing into Lexa herself. The way he gestured and spoke and commandeered the conversation and room was exactly how his daughter acted within her office. Clarke had managed to open the woman up as they’ve delved into their relationship and found a much more sensitive and caring girl than she had initially thought Lexa was. But father and daughter seemed to have a lot in common and Clarke’s mind was running wild with ideas._

_When their lunch was complete, Lexa and Clarke agreed on a meeting in about a week to go over Clarke’s preliminary sketches. Clarke left with several notes in margins of half-assed sketches and a whirlwind of ideas running through her head. She tossed her bag over her shoulder once they were all ready to depart and go their separate ways._

_Gustus Woods stopped Clarke as she turned to separate herself from the father-daughter duo. “Clarke, it was great meeting you.” He smiled as she turned back to him, and its warmth was infectious._

_“You too, Mr. Woods. I have a lot of ideas for this art piece.”_

_“I’m glad, but it still doesn’t make sense why Lexa is doing this. A portrait of me is kind of a stuffy affair, I would think.” He wrinkled his nose, causing his entire face to wrinkle in the process. Gustus Woods was no longer a young man, his beard was more white than brown and his hair had taken on a silver hue, even though it still covered most of his head. His face was faintly tanned with obvious smile lines on his eyes. He may have been a serious businessman, but that didn’t make him any less happy._

_Clarke shook her head, “Lexa isn’t doing a portrait of you. Trust me, I find portraits just as stuffy as you do. This is a more…abstract piece. A bit more modern and in touch with how Lexa feels about you. Which, I’ve noted, she absolutely adores you.”_

_Gustus rolled his eyes, “Trust me, she hasn’t always felt that way.”_

_“If I’m completely honest, I don’t think it’s completely warranted,” Clarke teased with a smile that softened the sting. She felt comfortable messing with this man, he wasn’t as scary as Lexa had originally written him out to be. He was serious with a warm teddy bear side, much like Lexa. There was two different people stuck in the same body, businessman Mr. Woods and loving father Gustus that Clarke saw reflected in his daughter._

_The man boomed with laughter and squeezed Clarke’s shoulder. “I like you, Clarke and I’d love to sit here and talk to you all day, but sadly I have things to do and people to see. Or, well, Lexa does now and she’s dragging me along. And I’m sure you’re a busy woman, being so talented and all.”_

_“Thank you, Mr. Woods. You two have a good day,” Clarke’s eyes drifted to Lexa, who had her phone to her ear. Her shoulders were hunched and her back was tense, as if she was having a conversation she didn’t want to be having. Her head was ducked and voice hushed, yet even from this distance Clarke could hear the irritation in Lexa’s tone._

_“You as well, Clarke.” Gustus turned and Clarke did the same, deciding that she wouldn’t look back. She kept her feet moving, but couldn’t help the butterflies settling into the pit of her stomach. No matter how well she knew that her and Lexa were just having a casual relationship, she couldn’t help but give herself a pat on the back for having Gustus like her._

_~   ~   ~_

_Lexa was laughing at something Clarke said and nearly choked on the noodle that was still in her mouth. She made a very loud, unattractive hacking noise and punched at her own chest before settling into a fit of coughing._

_Clarke reached over and patted Lexa’s hand, she was still smiling but concern was etched into her features. When the older woman didn’t stop, she jumped to her feet and rushed around the table to settle on the couch next to Lexa. She rubbed her back lightly until Lexa’s eyes stopped watering._

_The blonde grabbed the cup of tea on the table and handed it to Lexa, “Drink this.”_

_Once Lexa was completely calm, chest rising and falling quickly the room settled into silence. “Are you okay?” Clarke breathed, concern still evident in her voice._

_Lexa’s eyes rolled to meet hers, the green as vivid as ever but dancing with a mirth that Clarke found unwarranted. She didn’t respond but burst into laughter again. It was so bizarre and out of place that Clarke frowned at her for a minute, assuming the woman had gone mad, before getting caught up in Lexa’s giddiness._

_They were both cackling and leaning against each other with tears in their eyes when someone came barging into Lexa’s office. Clarke had been to Lexa’s office building several times and yet had never seen this woman in her life. She had kinky curly dark hair that was styled in a complicated way Clarke couldn’t describe. It was full of volume Clarke was instantly jealous of._

_The girl stopped in her tracks, brown eyes going wide in barely masked surprise at seeing the room was occupied. It took Clarke a moment to stop her giggles, but Lexa seemed to sober up instantly. She jumped to her feet, “Costia! What are you doing?”_

_Costia? Who was Costia? Clarke wasn’t sure, but wasn’t all that concerned._

_“You missed a lunch meeting, Lexa.” Costia growled, pulling her eyes away from Clarke and turning them onto the CEO. There was barely concealed anger in her voice and her eyes blazed with irritation. Nobody Clarke had ever met at Lexa’s company ever spoke to her in this manner, it was quite the surprise. “A very important lunch meeting with a very important man who has a very large account here. How do you think this reflects on the company? On me? On your father?”_

_Lexa raised her hands in surrender, backing down from the fire-y, dark skinned girl that was Clarke’s opposite but reminded her a bit of Raven when she got angry. “Calm down, Costia. It must have slipped my mind. I was in a meeting with—” she stopped herself and glanced over her shoulder at Clarke. Lexa was standing in such a way as to block most of Costia’s view of the blonde, but she could still see her._

_“Who is this, exactly, Lexa?”_

_Clarke raised her eyebrows, staring hard at the back of Lexa’s head as she watched this discussion. Costia crossed her arms over her chest, looking powerful in her black pantsuit. “She’s the artist, remember? The one doing the pieces for the building.”_

_Lexa shifted to the side and Clarke got the full view of Costia rolling her eyes and glancing down at her cellphone, as if Lexa was being completely foolish. She seemed to lose complete interest as soon as the brunette had mentioned art. “Really, Lexa? You bailed on a serious meeting to frolic with some artist over a senseless art piece? Are you serious right now?”_

_Clarke’s blood nearly boiled. She had never been so insulted so quickly in her life. She was accustomed to people finding her field of choice odd and challenging. She was constantly asked “Does that even make any money?” or “how do you possibly survive?”, but it insulted her more how easily this woman made Lexa shut down completely._

_She jumped to her feet and reached for her bag, which was hanging off the corner of the couch. “I should go. You need to get back to work.”_

_“No, Clarke,” Lexa’s eyes were pleading as she grabbed her wrist to stop her. “Wait.”_

_“Lexa, honey,” Costia stepped closer and rested her hand on Lexa’s forearm. “Let her go, we need to have a discussion.” The way the shorter girl leaned in closer and batted her eyelashes in such a casual manner made Clarke’s stomach churn._

_“Oh my god,” she blurted, watching the way the two interacted so easily. “Oh my god, I have to get out of here.” She yanked her arm away from Lexa’s grasp, suddenly feeling as though it was burning._

_Lexa’s stomach dropped and she took a large step away from Costia, feeling not for the first time, like her life was spiraling out of control. She nearly tripped over the glass table in her haste; Costia and Clarke in the same room, two women she felt very different yet starkly similar things for. She caught Clarke’s eyes just before she turned completely and knew. She knew that Clarke knew and her stomach and heart felt as though they were trying to escape from her abdomen._

_“Clarke, wait, don’t go.” Lexa called, but the door was already clicking shut and Costia was already pacing the full length of Lexa’s office. It was almost as if Clarke had never even been there._

_~   ~   ~_

_Clarke kept her head down and she sped through the office building until she got to the elevator. Tristan greeted her, but she was so unfocused she didn’t even register it until she was already halfway down to the ground floor. Her eyes burned and her chest hurt, almost as if her heart was being ripped open._

_It was so obvious, so painfully obvious now that she knew. No wonder Lexa was so careful, no wonder they had never gone out on a date or even been to Lexa’s place. Clarke had thought it was just casual sex between the two of them, even though she knew her feelings ran deeper, but she hadn’t expected_ this.

 _Lexa had a girlfriend, or a wife or_ whatever _Costia was and she was sleeping with Clarke on the side. Clarke was a homewrecker, a terrible person and her heart felt as though it was in her throat. She tried to slow her breathing and calm herself down as she walked home, but the revelation was still laying heavily in her mind when she opened the door to her apartment._

_Raven was shouting at the television and the sounds of explosions and gunfire made the walls shake. Clarke winced as her head pounded from the noise, but she didn’t comment on it._

_“Hey, Clarke!” Raven shouted. “Want to join? I’m whooping Bellamy’s ass!” She had one of those expensive gaming headsets on and shouted a couple of choice words as she died. “Oh fuck you, Bellamy! That was totally unfair!”_

_The brunette was caught back up in her game so quickly, that she didn’t even notice Clarke leave and enter the kitchen. Octavia was sitting at the table with her head resting on some sort of portfolio. When she heard, Clarke enter she turned to look at her, “She’s been at it for hours. I can’t even think anymore.”_

_Clarke only managed a wane smile, tossing her bag onto the table and ducking her head into the fridge for a bottle of water._

_Octavia swiveled her chair around to follow the blonde’s movements. “What’s the matter with you? Did Kane get on your ass again?”_

_“No,” Clarke scoffed and took several long sips of her water to avoid answering anymore questions. She wasn’t sure how Octavia would react to her affair with Lexa Woods, but she knew that her friend had known her a long time, she was probably the only one Clarke could go to. “What are you working on?”_

_As Clarke took a seat at the table, Octavia watched her carefully before opening the portfolio. “Just some stuff for work, there’s an article I’m supposed to be helping with but I can’t focus because_ someone, _” she shouted this, “won’t turn off the TV.” Raven didn’t even respond, though there was a minute decrease in the noise level._

_Octavia continued to talk about what she was supposed to be doing, but Clarke got lost in her final moments in Lexa’s office, analyzing every little thing. Could she have been wrong in her assumption? Her phone vibrated in her pocket and she yanked it out almost instantly, a flickering flame lighting in her chest hoping it was Lexa wanting to explain._

_Before she got the chance to look at it though, Octavia was placing her hand on her arm. “Are you there, Clarke?”_

_She glanced up, their eyes meeting for a second. Clarke sighed, “Yeah, I’m here. Just distracted.”_

_“What’s going on?” Octavia frowned, “Is everything okay?”_

_“I…yeah…I guess. Can I tell you something?”_

_Octavia leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. “You can tell me anything, Griffin, I thought we established this.”_

_“I’ve told you about this contract with the rich CEO, right?”_

_“The super-hot CEO?” Octavia perked up instantly._

_Clarke rolled her eyes, of course Octavia would know who she was.  “I guess, yeah. I told you, right?”_

_“Vaguely, you said that Kane wants you to do anything to keep them happy, but I’m not exactly sure who this person is. If you told me, I could help you a lot more.” Octavia waggled her eyebrows. “I know everyone in the big business realm.”_

_She winced and shut her eyes, trying to compose herself. She didn’t know how to say this, but coming right out and doing it seemed like the best idea. “Anyway, I’ve kind of been sleeping with…well, them.”_

_“You_ what _?!” Octavia nearly shouted. “Who is it? Now I_ have _to know.”_

_“No, O, I’m not telling you who it is. But…they’re kind of in a relationship.” She went on to explain the whole thing, attempting to be as vague as possible as not to reveal the actual name Lexa Woods. She loved Octavia and knew she would take her secrets to the grave, but Clarke didn’t need anyone knowing too much. She needed to keep this as much to herself as possible. Some small part of her didn’t want this coming back on Lexa in a negative way if it ever got out._

_“So, let me get this straight,” Octavia leaned forward in her chair once Clarke finished and rested her elbows on the counter. “You’ve been sleeping with a super-hot CEO who happens to be in a serious relationship?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“And you feel like a homewrecker because you think you’re ruining their relationship?”_

_Clarke nodded in confirmation._

_“Well, this is quite the pickle, I’d say. But go for it.”_

_“What?” Clarke asked incredulously. She may have expected Octavia to say something crazy but_ “go for it” _had not been it at all._

_“Go for it, Clarke. You only live once. If you really like this person, clearly, they aren’t in the best relationship if they’re cheating. Maybe they started something with you because they aren’t getting what they need out of their current partner. Maybe you just need to convince them that you’re the right partner.” The brunette elaborated, using extravagant hand motions to accentuate her point._

_“I’m not going to get a lecture about being the Mistress? Really? You want me to go for it and completely ruin their relationship.”_

_“Clarke, honey, dear, baby, Shnookums,” Octavia wrinkled her nose, her tone condescending. “sweetheart, I can tell you really like this person. And I know you better than anyone, which means you_ really _like this person. So go for it. What could happen, really? You ruin a relationship and end up with someone you could be happy with? Or this person figures themselves out. Live a little. We only live once, you and I both know that very well.” The last sentence was serious and they both shared a look of pain. Lincoln weighed heavily on their minds, as did Finn._

_Another message lit up Clarke’s phone and she hit the home button. It lit up with one missed call and three unread text messages. Octavia must have caught a glimpse of something. “Look, they’re contacting you. Maybe they’ve already made their decision.”_

_“You really think I should do this?”_

_“Yes, Clarke. Do it. Go for it, if you get hurt, I’ll let you punch me in the face if it’ll make you feel better.” Octavia smirked. But Clarke already felt invigorated. It was probably stupid to listen to Octavia, a very small, logical part of her brain said, but she chose to ignore it in that moment. Instead, opting to unlock her phone and open the messages from Lexa._

_**Lexa [3:32]: I’m sorry about all of that. Please call me. Give me a chance to explain.** _

**_Lexa [3:57]: Please let me explain._ **

**_Lexa [4:30]: If you haven’t already deleted this number, call me when you want to. I know this takes a moment to process. But please just let me explain._ **

_Clarke wasn’t sure how to respond, but there was no turning back now. As she was trying to formulate a response, she received another incoming text message._

**_Lexa [4:45]: If you’re willing to hear me out, meet me at the fountain at 8:00 tonight. I’ll be waiting. X_ **

_It was a horrible idea and it would lead to heartbreak and maybe even possibly spiral her life out of control, but Clarke needed Lexa. She felt it in the core of her being. It was different than any other relationship she had ever had. Lexa was special, smart and incredibly attractive. She made Clarke think and kept up with her wit. It was almost as if they clicked in a way that she couldn’t understand. Clarke was always one to throw herself head first into what her gut felt was right. This felt right, no matter how wrong it should have been._

**_Clarke [4:50]: Okay._ **


	12. Part 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke goes home to try to reconnect herself with her past. Lexa visits Anya for some life advice. Both of them try to move forward individually before being able to connect with each other again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I lied and made this chapter about Clexa again. Sorry! The next one will be Octaven, or a flashback. Not sure yet. But, putting this chapter first just makes sense honestly. It gives the Octaven chapter a bit more of a punch to it. Sorry it took so long to update, I hope you enjoy and feel free to drop me a comment if you’re confused or even just want to talk about these guys. I love to hear from readers! ~TGF
> 
> B/N: I just don’t know how I feel about being deceived into believing I was about to read Octaven awesomeness and then it gets flipped last minute to Clexa….aw who am I kidding Clexa is life. Comment away you heathens and let this kid know she’s doing fantastic! ~RhydianKnight

_(12) Therapy - All Time Low_

            Clarke had been sitting in the same position for hours. Her back hurt and her legs were numb. Her eyes had unfocused a long time ago, no longer compulsively reading the epitaph on the gravestone but remembering the person it depicted.

            It was cold, too cold to be sitting outside after dusk without a jacket, but Clarke didn’t want to leave. The day had been hard and the months before more so. What she really needed was the man in that grave; that one and the one a few plots down in a fresher grave. She hadn’t left the graveyard since her father’s burial and she hadn’t checked her phone either.

            The stone she sat before now was old enough to have grass blended in with its surroundings. There was a fresh set of flowers set against the stone and an American flag, faded from years of sun exposure. A military dog tag hung on a hook set into the stone, specially made for the person buried here. The sun still shone and the birds still chirped, but Clarke was trapped in her own misery all the same.

            It wasn’t fair.

            Her mom was probably wondering where she was, at this point. It had been hours, but Clarke didn’t want to see Abby. There was a rift between them that hadn’t been there before. Maybe Abby was following Jake’s wishes when she didn’t tell Clarke, but that didn’t mean her daughter forgave her for lying to her.

            Eventually, someone was going to come searching for her, she knew. She didn’t know who it was going to be but they would come for her eventually.

It wasn’t twenty more minutes, when Clarke’s bones felt heavy as lead with the cold that she heard him approach. It wasn’t his feet crunching on the stiff grass, but the tires of his wheelchair squeaking as he turned them.

“You know, neither of them would want you freezing,” he stopped his chair just behind her and draped something warm and fuzzy over Clarke’s shoulders.

Shutting her eyes for a moment, Clarke sucked in a breath and then opened them, reading the epitaph one more time.

_Finnigan Collins_

_August 21, 1991 - September 13, 2012_

_Loved unconditionally and served fearlessly._

Clarke wondered if she had any tears left to shed, because if she did, they would have fallen in that moment. Her heart was shattered into a million pieces and here was her best friend, trying to put her back together once again. She pulled the jacket tighter around herself, as if it would help keep the pieces together.

“He would have hated this,” she laughed wetly.

Wells laughed too and placed his hands on her shoulders. “He would have wanted something like, I don’t know. _Clarke Griffin is an angel_.”

“He probably would have.”

“That man was crazy about you,” Wells breathed. Clarke could hear his smile falling as he remembered. She did too.

When she finally stood, it was with a groan as her bones creaked. She turned, smiling down at the man before her. It still surprised her how different he was, yet still the same. The years they had been apart hadn’t really aged him, only his eyes seemed different. Older and wiser in a way that made Clarke feel like she was still sixteen.

Wells didn’t have one of those fancy wheelchairs, just a simple mechanical one he used to get around. He was still bright, the light and life that had always shown in him having not faded, even though he’d been through so much. It still made Clarke hate herself because she felt like she had put him here. “You know, your mom is looking for you, right?”

He still had that strong jaw, soft brown eyes and understanding smile that Clarke had grown up with. He was dressed simply, as he normally was, but a little more pressed than usual for Jake’s funeral. A black button down that shimmered lightly and a pair of black slacks.

Clarke’s face fell and she glanced back over her shoulder at Finn’s grave. “I just wanted to see him.”

“For three hours?”

“It's been a long time.”

“You’d rather spend that time with, not to be insensitive, but with a dead guy?” Wells raised both of his eyebrows, his eyes reflected the hurt he couldn’t quite hide.

Clarke slid her arms into his jacket, wrapping it tighter around herself to keep out the cold. “I don’t know.” She averted her eyes to her shoes.

“Why do you have to do that?” His voice took on a hard edge and his back straightened, as if preparing for a fight. For a moment, it reminded Clarke of Lexa, who she didn’t want to think about at all.

She licked her chapped lips, “Do what?”

“Since you’ve been here, you’ve treated me like I was the one who did what he did. As if I was the one who put myself in this wheelchair and killed eighteen people. Clarke, he did this to me. Quit treating me like I’m the bad guy.”

Turns out, she hadn’t run out of tears because they were already pricking at her eyes once again. She brought the cuffs of the jacket to her eyes to whip them away in frustration. She nearly screamed, opting for a loud close-mouthed noise of frustration to escape. “I’m so tired of this!”

“You’re tired of this, Clarke? My best friend abandoned me when I needed her most, yet here she is at the grave of the man who nearly killed me. You _left_ me, Clarke.” Wells nearly shouted, an angry scowl etching its way onto his face.

Clarke tried to calm down, to assuage the roiling emotions inside of her. “I did this to you, Wells. Finn...was unstable. He thought I was missing, he thought I had been kidnapped. He was having a full psychotic breakdown and he almost killed you. You almost died _because of me_.”

Silence settled between them, electric with years of unresolved conflicts. Wells looked at Clarke in shock, as if he never could have imagined she blamed herself. She took that moment to charge on. “You reminded me of all of the rest of them, Wells. Eighteen other, innocent people died. _Art_ is dead because of me, Wells. What was I supposed to do? Stick around and sulk in my misery?”

“Did you find your happiness when you left? ‘Cause from where I’m sitting, you don’t look like it.” It would have been an effective line to storm off after. But the wheelchair would have made it difficult and Wells wasn’t the type of person to leave a conversation unfinished.

Clarke’s anger and frustration dissipated because she wasn’t happy. She hadn’t been happy since before Finn died, really. She had brief moments in New York with some of her art pieces and Lexa. Octavia and Raven were always there for her, too, but they didn’t _get it_. Raven had only known her since she moved to New York and Octavia understood since Lincoln had enlisted with Finn way back when. But she wasn’t _happy_.

She was left standing there, slouched and defeated. Finally, the tears wouldn’t come and she was left hollow. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, Clarke. You take responsibility for things that you don’t do. You’ve taken on all these mistakes that aren’t yours to bear.” Wells frowned. He wasn’t angry anymore. There wasn’t a hateful bone in this man’s body and sometimes Clarke wondered how they could possibly be friends. He was always so calm and collected while she constantly felt like a mess, unable to keep her emotions out of her decisions. Maybe that was why they worked, they balanced each other out. Where Clarke was harsh, he was soft. Where she was hateful, he was kind. “Come here.”

Wells opened his arms, gesturing to his lap as if waiting for her to sit on him.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Clarke, I couldn’t feel it if you did hurt me,” Wells chuckled, patting his lap a bit more insistently. “Come on, I’ll wheel you back to the van.”

After another moment of hesitation, Clarke succumbed and settled herself into his lap. He was warm and smelled like his mom’s homemade sugar cookies and the library his dad did most of his work from. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her cold nose to his neck.

He yelped and jumped, “Jesus! Clarke, you’re freezing.” He wrapped his arms around her and she folded into him as willingly as she had when they were kids. She missed this. Missed being known so well and having that connection with someone that only came with years of being with them.

“I’ve missed you, Jaha.”

“Missed you too, Griffin.”

~   ~   ~

            Lexa hadn’t been to Anya’s apartment in nearly three months. They had spoken to each other, yes. Either for a leisure lunch or a quick phone call that consisted a bit of catching up. But it had been too long since they had a girl’s night in to really talk about what was going on in their lives.

            Anya was Lexa’s adoptive cousin and childhood best friend, practically her sister. She had spent a lot of time at Lexa’s parents because her mom - Gustus’ sister -  wasn’t the best influence. The two of them had been close since before Lexa could remember and they both needed a night to unwind.

            It was a week after Clarke left her apartment and Costia had officially taken all of her things and moved out that morning before Lexa went to work. The apartment had grown stifling and getting out seemed like the best option, but Lexa wasn’t about to sleep in her office at work.

            She knocked on the door and it flew open almost immediately, as if Anya had been waiting right on the other side of her to show up.

            “Sup, nerd,” she huffed, a glass of wine already held tightly in her right hand. She held her free arm open and gave Lexa a warm, lingering hug. No matter how nonchalant and cold Anya tried to be, she still somehow gave the best hugs. Tonight, though, Anya had started drinking without her and was already a bit buzzed.

            “Quit calling me that, I’m almost thirty and you're drunk.”

            Anya scoffed and sipped her wine, leading Lexa into the open-floor kitchen and handing her a prepared glass of wine. She topped off her own glass and wiggled her eyebrows mischievously over the rim as she took another sip. “I was going to start drinking yours if you hadn’t hurried up.”

            Lexa noticed how she ignored her comment because Anya had been calling her a nerd ever since she was seven and got her first pair of glasses, “Hard day?”

            “Oh the usual, patients hitting on me, some old some not. Some of my nurses were being difficult and the guy I’m working on building a partnership with won’t call me back, so I don’t know what’s going on there. Oh, and I have this new girl who's...a pain in the ass to say the least.” Anya didn’t elaborate, but waved her hands around as if that would explain it. She was a doctor that specialized in physical therapy and prosthetics. She ran her own practice downtown and it was a competitive wait list because she was so small, but in demand because of her experimental developments.

            Lexa didn’t understand it all, she never really had. Medicine had never really been her thing. Numbers and business deals had always drawn her attention. It was easy for her to process numbers and work with them than living, breathing people.

            “What’s going on with Doctor Asshole?”

            “Asker,” Anya corrected with a chuckle, “I don’t know, but he won’t get back to me and there’s paperwork to sign. It just pisses me off because I have more offers on partnerships that would make this work so much more, but Asker has always been someone I wanted to work with.”

            “I know, you used to talk about him like he was some God, An.” Lexa took a seat at the breakfast bar, resting her elbows on the table and trying to unwind. “What you never noticed before was how much of an egotistical asshole he was. He’s also really sexist and probably thinks he’ll buy you out eventually. He probably also thinks that he’s better than you because you’re a woman and we both know how competitive you are.”

            “Ugh,” Anya slouched against the counter, “maybe. But he’s such a _good_ doctor.”

“As a business woman who has a lot of experience making these types of partner deals, this is a horrible decision. You two are just going to butt heads and the only people it’s really going to affect are your patients.”

“You might be right. Fine, if he doesn’t call back soon, I’ll drop him. There is this Dr. Waters, I’ve been looking at. She’s a great ortho. Gotta lot of a raving reviews from some of my colleagues.” Anya shrugged.

Lexa nearly snorted when she heard the name, “Woods and Waters? What’s next fire and earth?”

“Oh shut up, don’t you think I’ve already thought about that?”

The brunette only laughed harder, waving her hand in the air as she spoke, “Elemental Prosthetics and Orthotics.”

They both paused for a moment. A huge smile spread across Anya’s face, “That actually has a nice ring to it.”

“You better pay me for that.” Lexa waved a finger at her, narrowing her eyes.

“Hell no! You were just making fun of me!”

“But I just came up with your freaking office name! I deserve something!”

“You get wine. Anyway, how are you doing? You told me about Costia. How’s that?” She had the decency to look a bit sheepish at changing the subject to something so sensitive, but Anya wasn’t the type of person to dance around the subject. She knew that Lexa was stuck between a rock and a hard place, she noticed the tiredness in her eyes and the slouch in her shoulders.

            She probably covered it up in public and at work, but Anya knew that Lexa was hurting. It was only a matter of time, of course, until the shit hit the fan and everything was thrown back into her face. Anya knew it would happen and had sworn to herself she would be there when it did, just to help pick up the pieces.

            No matter how mature or brilliant Lexa was, she was still a kid. Gustus had forced her to grow up and follow in his footsteps without really considering what Lexa wanted to do with her life. Lexa hadn’t even considered what she wanted, everything had been planned out for her. _Take over Woods Inc_.

            This was Lexa’s midlife crisis, it had just decided to make an appearance when she was twenty-seven.

            “Costia came and got the rest of her stuff this morning before I left for work.” Lexa shrugged, even if she was there to relax, she couldn’t if they were going to talk about this. “I also have something else to tell you.”

            “Oh?” Anya raised a curious eyebrow, moving towards the fridge where she’d cut up some cheese and crackers to snack on before the Chinese got there. Lexa always loved some greasy Chinese food when she was emotional. She knew what was coming before it came out of Lexa’s mouth.

            “Costia didn’t break up with me because she fell out of love. We just...I was cheating on her.”

            Having a flare for the dramatics, Anya waited until she returned to the bar with the snacks before replying, allowing Lexa to let that fester for a moment. “I know,” she replied casually, inspecting a piece of cheddar cheese before popping it into her mouth with a smirk.

            Lexa’s eyes widened and she straightened her back, “Wh-what? H-how? When? I didn’t tell you.”

            “Newsflash, _branwada_ , you suck at lying and I’ve known you since you were a baby. You can’t lie to me, just everyone else. The only thing I didn’t know was who it was with. But I had my suspicions. Was it the artist? Or the secretary?”

            “Tris?” Lexa’s face twisted in bewilderment. “She could be my daughter.”

            Anya laughed, nearly spitting out her wine, “If you had a daughter at five.”

            “You know what I _mean,_ An,” Lexa rolled her eyes.

            “So it was the artist...what was her name? Clare?”

            “Clarke,” Lexa amended, sadness tinging her name, as if the girl was already dead.

            “How is that going?”

            Lexa laughed humorlessly at that. “She left me too.” It tasted bitter in her mouth, to say those words. Her feelings for Clarke were difficult to process. Their relationship had been filled with lies and deceit for so long that there had been very little room for honesty. A small part of Lexa hoped that in three months, she would be able to mend the broken relationship, but she was still trying to come up with a way to do so.

            “Ahh,” Anya watched the way Lexa’s face fell again, her once lively eyes going dull with despondency. She didn’t ask any more questions on the subject, no matter how curious she was about it. Lexa didn’t need a night for judgement, she needed a night to relax.

            “Yeah, she’s complicated. I don’t really want to talk about it. At least right now,” Lexa crossed her arms over her chest, as if that would protect her from the emotional distress she was feeling.

“I can respect that. Why don’t we put something on Netflix?”

            Lexa’s smile lit up her face and Anya knew dealing with whatever shit came her way these next few weeks would be completely worth it if her cousin continued to smile like that.


	13. Part 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven tries to cope with her disability and in that process, hurts Octavia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and the bit of Octaven I have included. Let me know what you think and I look forward to reading your comments! ~TGF

(13) _Cold Water - Conor Maynard (cover) & Little Do You Know - Alex & Sierra_

Raven was in pain all the time. A deep, throbbing ache constantly accompanied her waking hours and kept her from sleeping most nights. She felt it during therapy and she felt it when Octavia insisted on massaging it for her like the doctor said. But the doctor had also said she would have to live with this pain forever. Raven wasn’t so sure she wanted to.

She had been released from the hospital two weeks before, after a month spent bedridden with a mixture of intensive physical therapy. It had been a long, painful progression to get to the point of placing weight on her feet again. But Octavia was there every step of the way and Clarke too, when she wasn’t caught up in her own personal problems.

Since Clarke had returned home to visit for her father’s funeral for an undisclosed amount of time, it was just Raven and Octavia. That put a lot of pressure on Octavia because she had to work _and_ take care of Raven, who had been given three months leave from her supervisor Jacapo Sinclair.

            “Rae, are you ready?” Octavia called from down the hallway. Raven had rented out her apartment to a coworker who needed a place to stay while she recovered. She had ended up living with Octavia and Clarke, who would take care of her. There was little she could do on her own, but living with two other women was practically stifling. She hadn’t seemed to notice it before, when she was only visiting and had her own place to get back to, but now she was going absolutely crazy.

            It could have been a part of being unable to get around alone and being complete dependent on others. She couldn’t walk down the stairs alone and normally had to be wheeled down in the wheelchair she’d been given at the hospital if she wanted to go anywhere. She was primarily stuck in this place, staring at the television and slowly feeling her brain go to mush.

Octavia emerged a moment later and drew Raven out of her depressing thoughts. “You alright there, babe?”

Raven nodded and managed a tight-lipped smile. Octavia was a godsend. Just like Raven had been there for her with Lincoln, Octavia was here for her now. But no matter how much Raven tried to be nice and accept the help she knew she needed and Octavia was willingly providing, she couldn’t. Resentment bubbled in her chest and Octavia rose from the couch so easily and moved with such a grace that Raven hadn’t noticed before.

Being disabled had completely turned Raven’s world upside-down and she felt like her mundane life was slowly smothering her. Sometimes she couldn’t even look at Octavia anymore, like when she tried to help her do her exercises. It was something she couldn’t help and she hated herself for it.

She noticed the way Octavia looked at her sometimes, with sad eyes and a bit of confusion. There was also a tiredness to her eyes that Raven didn’t like seeing and a slouch to her shoulders from the exhaustion taking care of another person caused. Raven knew that she was withdrawing into herself and that her doctors had told her specifically that she should not do that, but divulge her feelings to the person she loved. But she couldn’t help it. It was so _hard_ because nobody seemed to _understand_ what she was going through.

“Raven,” Octavia shoved her shoulder lightly and drew her out of her thoughts once again, a soft smile on her face.

“Yeah, I’m fine, are you ready?” Raven glanced up at her girlfriend. She was dressed in a tight green long-sleeve with three buttons at the neck, two of them open to reveal a bit of cleavage. Her jeans were practically painted onto her body and her leather jacket was hanging over one arm. Octavia had opted for a simple ponytail and her glasses instead of contacts, she looked beautiful.

“Yeah,” Octavia smiled again and rubbed at her eyes, “just let me get some coffee.”

Raven rolled her eyes and grabbed her crutches, using them to haul herself to her feet.

“I can help, Rae,” the younger girl hurried around the couch towards her girlfriend and took a hold of Raven’s arm.

“No,” the Latina yanked herself away, nearly tripping over her own feet before straightening herself and glaring at Octavia. “Why don’t you go take a nap? I know you didn’t get home until almost four.”

“You have an appointment in thirty minutes, Rae. I’m not taking a nap.”

“I could get myself there, you need rest.” Raven clenched her jaw, hating herself more than anything in this moment because she was making Octavia’s life harder.

“Let me help you,” Octavia reached out again, her voice exasperated.

“I don’t need your help, I can take care of myself,” She slipped her arms into the cuffs on the crutches and shifted to a more comfortable position. Her doctors said she would be able to walk on her own if she tried hard enough, but for now she needed the assistance.

Raven avoided Octavia’s eyes because she didn’t want to see the hurt in them. She turned herself away and headed to the door. Octavia followed after her “You aren’t getting a cab, Raven. I’m driving you.”

“I don’t want you to! I can take care of myself, Octavia!” She whirl around on her girlfriend, all of her insecurities and frustrations bubbling to the surface. She waved one of her crutches in the air, forcing more space between them as Octavia needed to avoid getting hit. “I am completely capable of getting myself to and from physical therapy without your help.”

“Okay, Rae, okay,” Octavia held her hands up, eyes pleading. She didn’t like arguments, they have her anxiety and made her nervous, but when forced to she would fight just as hard as anyone else. But right now, both of them knew it wasn’t the time to argue. “Can I come with you? Please? I would rather go with you than stay home without you.”

Raven shook her head and turned away, “Why can’t you just fight back? Yell at me! Something? You’re too caring and too considerate, sometimes I can’t stand it.” She shook her crutches, squeezing the grips with all of her strength because she wanted to lash out. She wanted to hit something more than she ever had before and it scared her.

Octavia didn’t know what to say to that, she wrapped her arms around herself and took another step back. She had never seen Raven so angry before and she had never been left so speechless. If she had been expecting this argument, she may have argued but her mouth just opened and closed uselessly as no words escaped.

“Just,” Raven paused and shook her head, clenching her jaw, “back off, I need some time alone right now.” she glanced back, her body halfway facing the door and the other half her girlfriend. She didn’t want to resent Octavia, but she was starting to feel like she needed some space.

Octavia licked her lips. “Fine...just, I guess just call me when you want to.”

“I’ll be home late, don’t wait up.” Raven grabbed the doorknob and her car keys off of the end table by the door.

“Fine.” Octavia shook her head, she didn’t really know what else she could say.

~   ~   ~

When Raven left, Octavia was left speechless. The apartment felt cold and the silence settled into her bones. It was confusing, honestly, the way Raven could jump from one mood to another. It was a recent occurrence and Octavia mostly chalked it up to her injury, but now it was getting seriously concerning.

Since Raven had been unable to return to work for an indeterminate amount of time, she had been stuck at home. Octavia knew how ADD Raven could get when she didn’t have something to occupy her. She was so accustomed to constantly working and moving that it had becoming increasingly difficult to keep herself busy.

Octavia had practically begged Dr. Sinclair to let Raven come back, only to be shot down because it was a safety hazard for everyone involved. She had wracked her brain to figure out a way to get Raven busy so she wasn’t sulking at home all alone. At first, their friends would come over, Monty, Jasper and Harper loved to entertain Raven, but eventually they had given up because Raven had become increasingly depressive and angry. She even lashed out at them a couple of times and all three of them had stormed out at one point or another.

With a sigh, Octavia rubbed her hands over her face. Her brain was tired and her limbs felt heavy. Some of Raven’s words did ring true, she was exhausted from trying to take care of Raven and work. All she really wanted to do was fall asleep but that wouldn’t succeed in making anything better.

For a brief moment she wished Clarke was there, because the blonde always knew how to calm Raven down. It was a gift she had that Octavia hadn’t really mastered. She was also really good at putting things into perspective for Octavia, she had this way of making everything sound easier.

But Clarke was busy and it wouldn’t do her any good to be interrupted or bothered with Octavia’s problems. The only other person she could talk to was her brother, so she grabbed her cellphone and climbed into bed before dialing his number.

Bellamy answered on the second ring. “Hey, O! How are you doing?”

“I’m alright,” she sighed, slouching into her pillows and pulling the comforter up her chest.

“What’s wrong?” Over the years, Bellamy had stopped meddling in her life and acting as overprotective as he had when they were in high school. Whether it was because his life was a whirlwind now, or because he thought Octavia was mature enough to deal with herself, she wasn’t sure. Either way, he was still able to read her mind over the phone.

“Raven just exploded on me.”

“Oh, gross,” she could hear the feigned disgust in his voice. “Do you need help getting rid of the remains or something?”

“Bellamy,” Octavia rolled her eyes, not in the mood for his antics. “We got into an argument.”

“What was it about?”

“I’m not really sure. She’s just...you know how she’s been. Depressive and she drinks all the time. She yelled at me because she wanted me to take a nap instead of take her to therapy. I just...I can’t figure her out right now and it's exhausting.”

Bellamy sighed on the other end of the line. “You remember when I enlisted?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I made friends that I will never forget. Some of them are dead now, but others have been paralyzed like Raven has been. I can’t speak from experience, but they tell me that it takes a lot of adjustment.”

“That’s what the doctor told me, but I can’t stand the strain it’s causing.”

“Maybe I could talk to some of my friends and you could convince Raven to go to one of their meetings? I mean, she isn’t a veteran but she probably experiences PTSD like the rest of us.”

“You’ve never told me that before,” Octavia frowned.

            “Huh?”

            “You never said you had PTSD. When you came back, you were different, but you kept most of it locked inside.”

            “We both lost someone special to us while I was away, O. A lot of things happened over there that I can’t forget,” Bellamy’s voice grew distant. Octavia was accustomed to it. It was almost as if he went back in time to when he was overseas and had to force his way back into the present. Octavia couldn’t understand it sometimes, but watching her brother be tortured by what had happened tore her apart.

            She licked her lips and sighed, “I’m sorry, Bell. I wish you didn’t have to go through it alone.”

            “I don’t, not with all of the help I get now. Maybe Raven will come one day and talk about it. You just have to be patient with her. Don’t push her away and if you ever need anything, I’m only a phone call away.”

            Octavia nodded even though her brother couldn’t see her. “Okay, thanks Bell. I’ll talk to you later.”

            “You too, O. I love you.”

            “You too.”

            They hung up and Octavia settled down into the bed, trying to stop her thoughts from getting negative. When she finally settled down, her body’s exhaustion took over and she fell asleep, hoping that everything would be alright.

~   ~   ~

Raven’s primary doctor had recommended her to Dr. Anya Woods after they had begun to set up a plan for when she left the hospital. Dr. Hassen had insisted upon Woods because she was well trained and specialized in neurological trauma. Raven would be able to go to her for regular check-ups as well as direct therapy through her private practice.

The cab ride made her nearly ten minutes late and she had to sit in the lobby, discussing the secretary’s dozens upon dozens of cats until Dr. Woods actually appeared, having retreated to her office to do paperwork. She ran her own practice so the office was small and she maintained a short list of clients and patients that had to fight dirty to get appointments if they really wanted them.

“Ms. Reyes, nice of you to finally show up,” Dr. Woods smiled. She was dressed in her scrubs and her blonde hair was pinned back by complicated braids. She wasn’t much older than Raven and their first meeting had gone well. This would be their seventh meeting and Anya’s initial impression of Raven had been that the younger woman was a fighter. She had her doubts sometimes, especially with Raven’s biting sarcasm and unintentionally hurtful words. She was certain the Latina needed emotional counseling but had a feeling that suggesting it wouldn’t go over well, so she promised herself she would wait.

On the other hand, Raven found Anya to be a stoic hardcore doctor that didn’t take any of her shit. She found it challenging to make her doctor crack smiles when she was accustomed to making everyone laugh so easily. After the first few sessions, Raven had learned to do whatever Anya wanted to because it would be useless for the two of them to butt heads too often considering they were both incredibly stubborn.

“Sorry I’m late,” Raven struggled to her feet and shrugged sheepishly. Her mood was still dark from her one-sided argument with Octavia, but without her girlfriend there, it was easier to get distracted with the situation at hand. Doing _something_ besides sitting on the couch or fiddling with something on the coffee table made her feel so much better.  

Anya glanced around subtly, finding the rest of the room empty, “Where’s...Octavia? That is her name, right?”

“Ahh, she had to work late last night.” Pain squeezed at Raven’s chest as she glanced at the empty waiting room as well, suddenly feeling incredibly alone.

“I see,” the look that was sent her way made her stomach twist with guilt. Dr. Woods turned away, “Come on and follow me back.”

Maybe there was something about Dr. Woods that made Raven relax, that was what they were meant to do though, right? Relax their patients. But Raven felt like she could talk to Anya if she really felt like it, even though she had grown up into a family that forced her to rely on herself alone. She had never learned how to properly communicate her feelings as a kid and it was glaringly obvious sometimes when it came to Octavia or situations like this one.

Raven did as she was told and they entered Dr. Woods’ office. They took their respective seats and the doctor tossed Raven’s file on the table. Once they were settled, she spoke. “How are you doing, Raven?”

“I’m alright, I guess.”

“You sure? Anything you want to talk about before we get started?”

Raven clenched her jaw and rolled her eyes. “You aren’t a therapist, Doc.”

“I am, actually, a well trained physical therapists and I know for a fact that what you are going through is difficult both physically and mentally. Talking to me about those feelings is important,” Dr. Woods leaned forward, her eyes earnest yet her face firm. She laced her fingers and placed them before her on her desk. Since Raven knew that her doctor loved to show her tough love she held strong.

When she remained silent, Anya stood. “Fine then, let's get started.”

Dr. Woods’ practice was small stand-alone with a front waiting area, a bathroom, her office and a large, open back area for her therapy sessions. The room always reminded Raven of a gym because of the equipment and Raven always felt like she had been to the gym when she finally left.

Anya had several assistants and nurses that worked with other, less severe patients, but she preferred to work one on one with new ones. There was something about getting to know them and helping them directly that satisfied her.

They went through the same processes they had been going through the last couple of weeks. First, they took off Raven’s brace, which was supposed to help her knee move whenever she walked. At the moment, though, it hurt too much to really bend her leg, so the brace was tightened to keep it straight. Then it was hip rotation and other range-of-motion techniques that Dr. Woods always tried to expand each session. They moved downward to her knee then ankle before continuing to full-body motions.

The accident that Raven had been in had caused damaged to her spinal cord in the lower lumbar region. There were several pieces of shrapnel that embedded in her spine and while doctors had been saving her life, they hadn’t dislodged a couple of dangerous pieces for fear of severing her spinal cord. When she had woken up, they had given her the choice of leaving it in or going through with the surgery that could potentially paralyze her. If she hadn’t have gotten the shrapnel out she would have been in pain for the rest of her life.

It had been a simple decision.

Now she just had to force her body to work properly again.

The initial diagnosis had been that she would never have a fully functioning left leg ever again. She could alleviate the pain and compensate with building muscle and using her brace, but she would never fully function ever again.

It was nearly an hour into their session when Anya brought up Octavia again.

“So you have been doing the massages I suggested, right? I tried to tell Octavia how to do it, but it takes some time.”

“Yeah, we’ve been doing it.” Raven lost her concentration and grunted in pain as she slipped on the medicine ball. “Fuck!”

“You alright, Raven?” Anya kneeled by her side, resting a hand on her hip to keep her from moving. “Don’t move too much.”

“Fuck, I’m fine, Doc, just…” Raven shoved the woman away and scrambled to her feet awkwardly, unable to put any weight on her left foot. She hopped on one leg awkwardly before Anya could stop her. She scrambled over to the examination table and settled onto it, keeping as much weight off of her hip as possible.

“You okay?” Anya asked, watching as Raven closed her eyes and tried to regulate her breathing.

“I’m fine.”

Anya wasn’t normally one to meddle in her patients’ personal lives, but Raven seemed to need help. “I don’t think you are. So if you don’t want me to referral you to a psychologist, you’re going to have to tell me what’s going on.”

Raven rolled her eyes, “Seriously, doc?”

“I’m concerned.” Anya responded simply, her eyes boring into Raven’s.

The brunette could only take a split second of that look before having to glance away. “I picked a fight with Octavia today.”

“She’s your girlfriend right?”

“Have a problem?” Raven bit back, instantly going on the defense.

“No, no, I’m in full support of the LGBT community if you must know. But that doesn’t change the fact that you picked a fight with your girlfriend, Ms. Reyes. What’s going on?”

Raven sighed again, deflating and letting all of her bad feelings and negativity bubble to the surface. “She’s too perfect.”

Anya laughed, though it came out as more of a snort. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard that complaint before. What is she doing?”

“I don’t know...I feel useless sometimes, like I’m weighing her down. Her roommate left to go home and I moved in for a little bit, but I just feel like I’m a burden. Octavia’s a bartender and she normally works late hours. With me unable to take care of myself, she had to pick up after me and...I can’t stand it.”

“Yet you’re lashing out at her?”

“I’m used to taking care of myself...I didn’t grow up in the best area or with the best family. I learned from a young age that blood doesn’t mean shit and you have to take care of yourself, or else you’re gonna owe someone later. So yeah, I lashed out.”

“Did she argue with you?”

Raven squeezed her eyes shut, those hazel ones, laced with hurt imprinted on her eyelids. “No,” she felt herself losing control of her emotions as her throat constricted. “She just...took it, I guess. She’s been so considerate and I’ve been such an asshole.”

“Hey,” Anya’s voice was softer than Raven had ever heard it and cold fingers grabbed a hold of a skinny wrist. “Don’t beat yourself up. This takes a lot of adjustment, for you and her. She’s trying to understand what you’re going through from what she told me. But she also told me that your communication skills are sadly lacking. You need to talk to her, Raven. That’s all that is going to fix this.”

Raven felt the hot tears welling in her eyes and rubbed them away, letting out a frustrated growl when they wouldn’t go away. “She talked to you about it?”

“She loves you, Raven,” Anya smiled softly and took a step back. “It’s obvious. You just have to let her in...and maybe you two can make it work.”

With those words, hope eased Raven’s pain. “Do you...do you think I could leave early? You can definitely overwork me on Wednesday, I just need to get home.”

“Of course, Raven. Have a good day,” Anya nodded noticing the way the brunette perked up slightly at the prospect of making this right.

~   ~   ~

            The ride home lasted almost twenty minutes longer than the ride to Dr. Woods’ office. The entire time Raven wondered what exactly she could say to make this right. She knew she had been being a jerk, but there was still _something_ there.

            She still hadn’t figured out what she was going to say as she nervously unlocked the apartment door with Clarke’s key and clumsily made it through the door. She slipped off her shoes and carefully headed down the hallway, careful of making too much noise. Raven was almost certain Octavia had gone back to bed.

            When she opened her girlfriend’s bedroom door, Octavia was curled up under the blankets with her back to the door. Raven remained silent, guilt eating away at her stomach as she withdrew her arms from her crutches. She settled herself on the edge of the bed with a sigh, her body sore from the physical therapy.

            She leaned down and began unstrapping her brace before completely pulling it off and settling into bed next to her girlfriend. Octavia didn’t move so Raven scooted forward, pressing the curve of her body to her girlfriend’s. She propped herself up on her elbow and wrapped her free arm around Octavia.

            The other girl’s body stayed still, she didn’t slouch into her body like Raven was used to. She stayed tense and didn’t move. The only sign that she was awake was her deep breathing and slight shift in her shoulders.

Raven buried her nose in the crook of Octavia’s neck, breathing her in. She took it as a good sign when she wasn’t shoved away instantly. It took her a moment to formulate the words she wanted to say, but opted for the easiest ones when it came down to it. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, mumbling against the curve of Octavia’s neck.

She felt Octavia breathe in sharply before allowing herself to relax a bit and turning in Raven’s arms. Hair fanned over the pillow and eyes red from what Raven could only assume was crying, Octavia looked heartbreakingly gorgeous. “You know…” she started, before pausing again. “You’ve always been there for me, with Lincoln and just...everything, but you keep pushing me away when I _know_ you need me.”

“I know,” was all Raven could get out. She couldn’t think of words to explain how sorry she was. “I’ve always needed you.”

“Then what happened earlier?”

Raven glanced up at the ceiling and sucked in a deep breath. “I’m just...so different. There are things that I can’t do anymore, I’m not working...and you’re taking care of me. I dunno, maybe I’m just so used to taking care of you, or just...being fine all of the time.”

“That doesn’t give you the right to explode on me. I thought you were doing alright. I know things are different now, but if you think I see you any differently, I don’t.” Octavia brought her hand up, brushing her fingers over the curve of Raven’s jaw. The accident had freaked her out and after her experience with Lincoln fresh out of high school, she thought she was bound to never be happy. But when she met Raven something just seemed to click. They balanced each other out so well that it seemed too good to be true.

But now, after so long together, it had really sunk in that this was the _real_ thing, and nothing was going to change that. Not anybody outside of their relationship and most definitely not an accident.

Raven closed her eyes for a moment, her eyebrows scrunching together as all of her emotions lodged in her throat. All she could do was nod because Octavia didn’t deserve to be treated the way she had treated her.

Octavia let out a slow breath, allowing the moment to settle between them before pulling Raven closer and wrapping her arms around the brunette’s neck. “I still love you, even if you’re a pain.”

Raven chuckled and sniffled wetly. “I’m sorry, I’ll communicate more with you.”

They stayed like that for a moment, relaxing into each other and allowing the tension from their argument fade from their systems. Raven lifted her head and pulled herself up Octavia’s body so they were face to face. “I love you too, by the way.”

“Good,” Octavia breathed and smiled, her eyes crinkling at the corners. She leaned up and pressed her lips lightly to Raven’s before slouching back down. “Now why don’t you nap with me?”

Raven hummed in approval, “That sounds like a _great_ idea.”


	14. Part 14

_**A/N: Sorry for the long wait everyone! I hope those that are still reading can forgive me. This is a flashback for our Clexa and a bit of fluff to counteract the angst that is this story. Enjoy** _

_**~TGF** _

**_Technicolor Beat – Oh Wonder_ **

_Gustus was the one who invited her, which meant she couldn’t say no. Clarke had a feeling that Lexa has somehow manipulated her father, but couldn’t come up with exactly how. When he called her in the middle of the week and invited her up to the Woods’ ‘summer cabin’ as he called it. The idea of spending time with Lexa’s family felt like cheating somehow, even though it was Lexa who was cheating, she was participating and it just felt_ wrong _._

_“Are you sure, Mr -”_

_“Gustus, it’s Gustus, Clarke and yes I am sure. Lexa says she commissioned you for a piece to do about me. If you’ve only met me once, how are you supposed to capture my...what did she call it? Aura?”_

_“She called it an aura?” Clarke raised an eyebrow, unable to hide the smile on her face. It sounded like Lexa was listening when she spoke about art. It made something inside of her flutter in the most pleasant way, which instantly made her feel bad once again._

_“I don’t want to impose, M-Gustus.”_

_“You won’t be. I’ll have a car sent to your house on Friday? You could stay through the weekend and we can get to know each other a little better.” His voice was so conversational, as if Clarke wasn’t a commissioned employee but a family friend. For a moment she wondered if he knew of her and Lexa’s arrangement, but then quickly rejected that idea because Gustus wouldn’t be this friendly with her if he had known._

_She took a deep breath and berated herself for being so scattered, “That sounds like it will work for me. I just have to make sure it's all okay with my manager.”_

_“Oh that’s fine,” It sounded like Gustus was waving his hand in the air. “I’m sure you can tell Lexa if it works. Tell her what time would be best and we’ll have a car there.”_

_“Okay. Thank you, Gustus,” Clarke sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I’ll let Lexa know.”_

_“Fantastic! See you then, Clarke!”_

_It was difficult to explain how their relationships worked. When she had met with Lexa that night after she found out about Costia, it was with Octavia’s words urging her on. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn’t help but hope that if she stuck around, Lexa would realize_ something _would work between them. If she waited it out, maybe, just maybe she would be able to convince Lexa she was better for her._

 _Lexa, on the other hand, had practically begged her to listen to her once she arrived at the fountain. It had been such a heartbreaking sight that Clarke had no choice but to listen to her. Lexa explained that their relationship - her and Costia’s - was a mess and she was stressed at work when she got together with Clarke. She said that she liked spending time with Clarke and that it was a relief to just be with someone that understood her in a way that was just_ Lexa _and not_ Lexa Woods CEO _._

_Clarke had succumbed, agreeing that they could keep up their secret relationship so long as she didn’t have to see Costia and they kept it as quiet as possible. She didn’t want this getting out, especially with Lexa’s powerful political and social circles who would have a field day. She didn’t want the little reputation she had to be tampered with._

_It was easy for them to pass off as co-workers, if not friends, in public because there was strictly no touching and they only spoke of business. But they met up in private whenever they could get the chance and when that happened they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other._

_It had been a solid two months since Clarke had been hired by Lexa and she had the preliminary sketches done for the office space, but the personal project was much less successful. Clarke had a feeling that Lexa had been speaking with her father about it and Gustus had taken it upon himself to set up a weekend getaway for...well, the three of them._

_~   ~   ~_

_Clarke was ready to leave at exactly 5:00 pm on Friday evening, knowing how prompt the Woods’ were from her experiences with Lexa. The car that pulled up was a sleek, black Lincoln sedan and Clarke saw it from her apartment window. Whoever it was, was about ten minutes late._

_She rushed out, suitcase in hand to find Raven lounging on her couch even when Octavia wasn’t home. “Have fun with your mystery man, Clarke.” She called as the blonde passed her._

_“It's not mystery man, Raven. I’m doing a commission for Lexa Woods.”_

_The brunette hummed from the couch but waved Clarke off dismissively, her eyes trained on the laptop she was typing away at. Clarke rolled her eyes and exited the apartment, heading straight down to her awaiting car._

_The person that was leaning against the hood was the not well-dressed chauffeur Clarke had expected. It was a casually dressed Lexa with her hands dug deep into her pockets, her leg bouncing nervously as she stared off in the distance. It was a very different look than what Clarke was accustomed to; a pair of form-fitting black jeans and a silky, feminine dark blue button up._

_“You’re late,” Clarke teased, glad her driver would be someone she knew._

_When her eyes met Clarke’s she flashed a confident half smile and met her halfway to the car, “I went home to change and grab my car, I apologize, ma’am,” Lexa bowed dramatically._

_“Oh, so you’re my chauffeur?” Clarke laughed at the ridiculous woman before her. It seemed that as they got to know each other, Lexa’s walls broke down and they could act almost like friends in public. Words passed easily between them and there was little expectation._

_“I thought you could use a familiar face...my dad unintentionally intimidates people.” Lexa leaned down and picked up Clarke’s suitcase as if it weighed nothing, when it was really overfilled with too many art supplies._

_“You don’t have to do that, Lexa,” Clarke reached for it back, her voice softening from their banter._

_“Don’t worry,” Lexa was already walking away with it, grinning. “You don’t have to tip me.” She winked before placing the case gently into the trunk of the car. Lexa gracefully ran around the side and opened the front passenger seat. “M’lady.”_

_She gestured grandly into the car and Clarke took a cautious seat. The Lincoln was slick black leather and filled with modern technology, she didn’t want to touch much of it for fear of dirtying it. Lexa shut the door once she was settled and maneuvered around the car to take a seat._

_“So your dad is trying to intimidate me?” Clarke asked, licking her lips and keeping her eyes focused on the road as Lexa pulled out of her complex._

_“No,” Lexa shook her head, flicking on her blinker. “He doesn’t mean to, at least. I guess I just knew you aren’t accustomed to his style and would probably freak out.”_

_Clarke chuckled airily, “I’m still a little freaked out. This car is...too nice.”_

_“You like it? It's mine. Lincoln MKZ, limited and custom interior.” Lexa raised a cocky eyebrow and sent Clarke a side-eye that had her heart stuttering in her chest. Even out of her professional clothing and in casual wear she was still just as intimidating as ever._ It must run in the family, _she thought._

            _“It's very...expensive.”_

_“I guess,” Lexa shrugged, “But seriously, I guess I just wanted to apologize in person for my father. He should have spoken to me about inviting you to the cabin before asking you.”_

_“Did you not want me to come?”_

_Lexa shook her head, shooting Clarke a serious look before turning back to the road. “That’s not it at all, I just think it's...I guess, a little intimate for you to be coming to a place I grew up in. Not that I don’t like it,” she rushed, stopping Clarke’s comment. “He just...I don’t know, it should have been discussed more. This is kind of unplanned.”_

_“Oh,” Clarke chuckled, “and I know how much you hate spontaneous, Ms. I always have a color-coded schedule.”_

_“Whatever,” Lexa huffed out a begrudging laugh._

_“I get it though, it kind of freaked me out too. There isn’t an ulterior motive here, right?” Clarke questioned nervously, not wanting to accuse Lexa, but curious herself._

_“Not on my part and my father has grown soft and genuine in his retirement. He’s no longer the cutting-edge, manipulative CEO he once was. It has a lot to do with his health, I think.” Lexa shrugged, but didn’t explain any further. They had previously discussed Gustus’s health briefly and Clarke gathered that it wasn’t the best, but also not deadly, at least as far as she could tell._

_They fell into a heavy silence for a few minutes, both thinking of what Gustus could possibly be doing. Lexa glanced at Clarke out of the corner of her eye. The blonde had her hands clasped between her legs, her entire body tense and she looked uncomfortable in her seat. Her leg kept jittering and her blunt nails kept absentmindedly picking at her hand._

_“Clarke,” She murmured, “relax. There’s nothing to worry about.”_

_“I know.” Clarke breathed._

_“Good,” Lexa knew it was a lie, but there was nothing she could say to make it any better, “why don’t you play whatever you want on the radio? We have about a three hour drive ahead of us.”_

_~   ~   ~_

_The cabin was a large, two story, hand-built wooden cabin in the middle of nowhere. Clarke wasn’t very interested in nature, but it would be her luck that Lexa_ Woods _would love the_ woods. _Though the cabin was rustic on the outside, there was evidence of more modernization afforded by people with money who wanted a retreat. The cabin was facing the east, with glass windows taking up the majority that side of the house and the sun was setting on the other side, casting it in an orange glow. An out-of-place BMW sat in the cobbled driveway and Lexa pulled up next to it._

_“I see why you thought I would be intimidated,” Clarke breathed as both women got out of the vehicle. The cabin reminded Clarke of a large, expensive, wooden manor house she would find somewhere expensive or on one of the real estate TV shows Octavia liked to binge watch on Sunday mornings._

_Lexa laughed and sent an appreciative glance towards the cabin, but having grown up with it in her life, she wasn’t accustomed to how outsiders reacted to it. She went around to the back of the car and grabbed Clarke’s suitcase before coming to stand next to the woman. “Ready to go inside?”_

_Clarke shook her head, “Not really…”_

_“Come on, Clarke,” Lexa chuckled again, finding the woman’s nervousness both adorable and a bit exasperating. She urged the blonde forward and held on loosely to the crook of her elbow, allowing minimal skin contact as they walked._

_Together, they climbed the stairs to the wrap-around porch and Lexa opened the door. “Dad! We’re here!”_

_Lexa didn’t get an immediate response, but Clarke was too enraptured by her surroundings to really care. The house opened into a large, vaulting room with a living room set to the left, facing a fireplace that had to have been at least five feet wide. Dark brown, leather furniture accentuated the glossed and finished wood making up the upper landing that looked out over the first floor. A staircase began to the far right, near the back of the house, winding like antlers up and into the ceiling. To the right was an ornate dining room table made from oak that was set to seat twelve people._

_Further back and to the left was the kitchen, which had a door that opened out into the back yard. Lexa’s shoes echoed on the wooden floor and the sound ricocheted off the ceiling. The cabin was larger than Clarke could fathom and it would take a bit of time to learn the lay out before she really could wrap her head around it._

_“Clarke!” Gustus’s booming voice echoed through the cabin and made Clarke squeal in fright. His arms wrapped around her in a hug and her fear seemed to only entertain him as his laughter made her ears ring._

_“Thanks, dad.” Lexa rolled her eyes, hurt in her voice. “I guess I mean nothing to you and Clarke can be your new daughter.”_

_“One could only wish for a daughter as beautiful as she,” Gustus let go of Clarke and took a step away, smirking mischievously at Lexa. He was dressed in black slacks, glossy black shoes and a short sleeved navy-blue golf shirt tucked into his pants. He looked quite casual, just like Lexa did._

_Clarke shook her head, admiring the teasing between father and daughter. Lexa may have been adopted when she was young, but the two of them still had the same mannerisms even if they didn’t share the same genes. They shared a smile and an analytical eye that could be cold one moment and warm the next. They stood with the same pride and strength, carrying themselves confidently._

_“Oh thanks, dad.”_

_“Oh come on, kid,” Gustus rolled his eyes, landing a featherlight punch on his daughter’s arm. “I know Costia appreciates it.”_

_The only indication that Lexa was uncomfortable by the comment was her split-second glance at Clarke before she rolled her eyes, “Sure dad. Anyway, we’re both here. What did you want to do?”_

_“Oh,” If Clarke could see his lips through that beard, she was sure there would have been an evil smirk playing on them. “I have much planned. But first, a late dinner.”_

_~   ~   ~_

_That night, Clarke was introduced to duck for the first time in her life. Gustus told her that he’d hired a private chef and he wasn’t kidding. The man who cooked for them prepared the plates delicately placed and seasoned to perfection. This food was nothing like that of what she was used to._

_The duck wasn’t heavy, but had a richer taste than chicken and the chef somehow managed to combine it with just the right sauce, seasoning and wine that it balanced out. Clarke found it to be a type of art she couldn’t fully process, but could easily appreciate._

_After dinner, Gustus suggested they go on a hike in the morning, seeing as both of them were  been tired from their travels._

_“Thank you for your hospitality, Gustus, I can’t begin to thank you enough for this experience.” Clarke said just before Lexa was supposed to guide her to her room._

_Gustus was still seated at the table, a glass of wine in his hand and crisp shirt wrinkled and untucked as he relaxed. He’d had two glasses more than Clarke and Lexa and his eyelids were heavy, clearly feeling happily buzzed from the alcohol. “Oh, Clarke. It really is my pleasure. You are very different from other people I have met that Lexa associates herself with. It is endearing.”_

_“Thank you,” Clarke smiled._

_“See you in the morning, Clarke. Sleep well.”_

_“You too, Gustus. Goodnight.”_

_Lexa and Clarke headed back in the direction of the stairs, grabbing Clarke’s bag sitting at the foot as they went. They ascended the steps slowly together. “What did you think?” Lexa asked once they were out of Gustus’ earshot, even though the man had begun discussing his dinner with the private chef._

_“Your father is an...interesting man.”_

_Lexa laughed, having expected something a little less polite. “You mean eccentric, right? He was never like this before he retired. It was always stoic and firm, never joking. It wasn’t until after his heart attack that he really opened up into the man he was before starting his business.”_

_“He had a heart attack?” Clarke frowned, wondering how she would feel if something like that ever happened to her father. Probably devastated and a nervous wreck wondering if it would ever happen again._

_“Yeah, about three months ago, right before we met. He used to be...nearly a hundred pounds heavier,” they reached the landing together and Lexa took the lead, heading left and down a narrow hallway that opened up into a larger room with two doors on either side, a bathroom just up the hall. “This one is yours,” Lexa gestured to the right before resting her hand on the left door._

_Clarke took her bag and smiled at Lexa, “Sleep well, Lexa.”_

_“Yeah,” Lexa shook her head and stared at her door for a moment. “If you need anything, feel free to knock.”_

_“Sure,” Clarke opened her door._

_“Goodnight, Clarke.” Lexa opened her door too, both of them mirroring the other._

_“Goodnight, Lexa,” Clarke rolled her eyes and entered her room._


	15. Part 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update because I'm writing like crazy atm. Hope you all enjoy. Drop me a comment if you are at all confused, I know it has been awhile. This is a continuation of the flashback I posted previously.  
> ~TGF

_It was a chilly morning as they prepared for their hike and Clarke hadn’t been prepared for such an exciting day. Gustus talked about his childhood and his wife, telling Clarke his entire life story as they walked. Lexa stayed far ahead of them, too anxious and nervous to really enjoy her time outdoors with her father. Her brain kept whirling at a mile a minute as they went, wondering if somehow she or Clarke would slip up and Gustus would find out about their relationship._

_But it never seemed to happen and when they got to the top of the hill, Clarke was still deep in conversation with Gustus. The trees opened up to a clear cliff’s edge that looked over the expanding forest below. A bench had been put near the edge when Lexa was a kid and most of the time she liked to sit there whenever she came to the cabin. This time though, Clarke and Gustus took the bench and Lexa hung her legs over the cliff._

_She listened to them talk, the hum of their voices in the background and the whistle of the birds in the trees effectively soothed her. Pulling her legs to her chest, Lexa rested her head on her knees and allowed herself a moment to relax._

_“When did you decide to adopt?”_

_Those words drew Lexa from her thoughts and she listened carefully for an answer. She and her father had rarely spoken of her adoption, it was more of a discussion she had with her mother. Hearing what he had to say about it would be a dream come true, she just hoped he forgot she was here for the time being._

_“Isabelle and I couldn’t conceive, partially due to myself and partially due to her. It wasn’t from lack of trying or therapy or anything, we just weren’t meant to have kids. At the time, I was devastated and may have lashed out, but eventually, I came to accept the fact that biologically, we weren’t meant to have children. So Isabelle and I started looking into adoption agencies. Back then, I was more concerned with having an heir to Woods Inc. and maintaining my cutthroat reputation.”_

_“But when you finally found Lexa, did anything change?”_

_“We found Lexa after years of trying to find a baby. She was about six and well, she’d experienced a lot of life without even having really started living. Her mother was a teenager and had given her up when she was born. I must say things changed when we found her. Being a father is...indescribable. At first, I didn’t want to be near her. I was very withdrawn when she first came to live with us, afraid to touch her because I thought I would break her...she was so tiny. Even as a kid, she was tiny with little arms and legs.” He sighed wistfully, remembering those times, so long ago._

_Gustus glanced towards his daughter, who sat tense at the cliffs edge. Her muscles were tight as she tried to keep completely still in her hopes that he would not notice her and keep talking. “As a father, it was constantly a hit or miss but Lexa always took it in stride. We’re very like-minded in our stubbornness and confrontational skills. We argued so much when she grew up that her mother had to be mediator most of the time. But after I got sick, I tried to change and now I think Lexa and I have a stronger relationship than ever before.”_

_Clarke nodded, trying to keep mental notes t_

_o contribute to her artwork later. The colors were really beginning to bleed together in her mind, reds and oranges for their stubbornness and others to mix in, as if there were two different auras fighting for dominance until finally a united color formed in the center. She wasn’t sure if she would do something so contemporary or stick with a potential portrait._

_She went over her ideas as Gustus continued to talk._

_They made their way back to the cabin soon after, the sun beginning to evaporate the dew from the grass and chase away the cool fog. Gustus had her talking about her dad and how great he was and Lexa let all of the details sink in as she followed behind silently. They were back just in time for the heat to really begin and Clarke was thankful for barely having broken a sweat._

_Not long after Clarke excused herself to bathe, did Gustus get a call from his wife while he sat with Lexa on the porch. Apparently Isabelle needed him back at home as soon as possible because there was some paperwork that needed to be dealt with at the hospital. He kissed his daughter on the head and told her to tell Clarke he was sorry to have to cut their trip short._

_“Make sure you let her know that you guys can stay the rest of the weekend, don’t let my leaving ruin her vacation away from work for a bit,” Gustus called as he held his duffle bag over his shoulder._

_“She is working, Dad. This is a commission for her,” Lexa rolled her eyes._

_“Well then tell her she needs to quit slacking and get to work,” Gustus winked and hugged Lexa one more time. “I’ll see you later, kid. You and Costia should come over for dinner sometime soon, I miss having you two over.”_

_Just the mention of her girlfriend dampened Lexa’s mood, but she promised her dad that they would be over soon just to get him to leave._

_Once he was gone, the cabin felt oddly silent. His warm and large presence having livened up the space and now was dull without it. Lexa sighed, but heard the sound of Clarke’s shower, before an idea snuck its way into her head and she smirked._

_~   ~  ~_

_The first sound she heard as she walked up the stairs was Clarke humming, Lexa didn’t know the tune but it sounded sweet coming from Clarke’s lips. She tried Clarke’s doorknob, feeling slightly like a creep for not announcing her presence, but almost certain that the blonde would be okay with this._

_The knob turned and clicked, so Lexa pushed it open. The bathroom was just along the left wall and she made her way over, the heat from within hitting her almost instantly._

_Clarke’s back was facing her in the opaque glass, her form blurred by it. Lexa stripped as silently and quickly as possible and slid the glass door open. Clarke squeaked and nearly slipped in her surprise._

_Lexa chuckled and managed to grab her before she could fall, “Hey, there.”_

_“Not that I’m not happy to see you,” Clarke’s eyes ate up all of Lexa’s exposed skin, her hands aching to touch. “But your father is downstairs and I don’t think—”_

_“He left,” Lexa had on that little half smirk and she surged forward, slipping her arms around Clarke’s slick waist and bringing them both under the spray of the water. Her lips found Clarke’s easily enough and they kissed, Clarke’s arms wrapping around her neck for leverage._

_When they pulled apart, both were gasping, “How did you manage that?”_

_“My mom had some sort of emergency, we have the place to ourselves.”_

_“Well,” Clarke smirked, flashing her teeth and pushed at Lexa’s shoulders until they separated, “I guess we should make good use of our time then.”_

            _She pressed Lexa’s back into the cool tile of the shower wall, before following with her body. Clarke was warmer than Lexa and their bodies pressed together in the most delicious way. Clarke’s hands came up and ran along the curves of Lexa’s sides, her lips trailing light kisses up the column of her neck._

_~   ~   ~_

_Having Clarke beneath her, desperate, wet—in more ways than one—and writhing was a feeling Lexa couldn’t fully describe. It astounded her, the way the blonde would react to ever touch and the sounds that escaped her seemingly without meaning to. A finger trailing up her thigh had her shivering, lips and tongue tracing the curve of her collarbone and she was urging Lexa for more. It had Lexa on a power high, hungry for more ways to make Clarke melt underneath her._

_She was so beautiful this way, giving into her most primal needs and desires. Having a woman that trusted her enough to fully feel and give herself over to her was something Lexa didn’t think she had ever experienced. Even with Costia._

_They finally collapsed together, inches apart and bodies having mostly dried from their useless shower. Clarke on her stomach, eyes closed and face serene in a place somewhere between bliss and sleep._

_Lexa watched her face, memorized every curve and line. Every freckle, birthmark and imperfection only succeeded in making Clarke more perfect. Her heart physically ached at the sight, especially as the sun shown just outside the wall-length window._

_The rich oranges and yellows of the light seemed to soak in and make Clarke’s hair radiate with it. Her skin was warm and dark, Lexa couldn’t tear her eyes away even if she wanted to._

_Clarke remained so still and so calm, her breathing even and deep that Lexa thought she had fallen asleep. That was until she spoke, “I have a question.”_

_Her eyes stayed closed, but her eyebrows pulled together. A hand reached out casually and traced over the curve of Lexa’s hip because she knew exactly where it was without having to look. Her voice was rough and a bit slurred with exhaustion and overuse._

_“What’s your question?” Lexa tried to clear the emotion that somehow seeped into her voice, both it and Clarke having caught her off guard._

_Clarke hummed, “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”_

_“I want to.”_

_Those baby blues fluttered open, flecked with black and pale ice in the deep azure. They looked cautious and maybe a little nervous, “I just, what was it like being adopted?”_

_“Adopted? Or a foster child?” Lexa had grown up with classmates and friends approaching the subject just as carefully as Clarke was now. She was used to the look that she was given, a mixture of regret for asking and pity that Lexa had to be in that position. Like not having a family was so horrible it could hardly be spoken about._

_“I guess both? I just want to understand,”_ you _, Clarke stopped herself, but the words hung there nonetheless. She couldn’t deny her curiosity and chose to indulge it because it couldn’t hurt to ask._

_Lexa shrugged, ducking her head down to avoid Clarke’s eye and grabbed her hand as a distraction. She traced her pointer finger over each digit as she mulled over her response. “I didn’t really understand, because I was adopted so young. I grew up in the foster system until I was six and my parents found me._

_“I didn’t live in the best places and several of them were, I guess, neglectful and abusive. At the time, I didn’t understand why I was constantly being moved around. I called the social worker that was in charge of me ‘mom’ several times. But most of it is blurry now, I can hardly remember what it was like.”_

_Just because Lexa tried to play it off, didn’t mean Clarke didn’t see the way her head drooped and she was hyper-focused on Clarke’s hand. The blonde remained silently as Lexa fell back into memories she kept mostly locked away._

_“Sometimes,” she started after a moment, “sometimes I wonder what I could do to help kids that were in my position. I’ve turned out so well, with my parents, I wish I could give others the same opportunity.”_

_Clarke intertwined her fingers with Lexa’s fidgeting ones to get her to stop for a moment and look up. “Lexa, you’re able to help whoever you want. You’re a CEO of a huge company and can donate to any charity you want.”_

_“I don’t want to just_ donate, _Clarke. I want to do something. The foster system is overrun and outdated. They can’t keep up and I know very well how hard it is for those older kids to get adopted.”_

_Her eyebrows furrowed together, eyes filled with pain Clarke was surprised to see. Lexa was so passionate about this, she clearly needed to do something about it. Clarke decided to file that information away for later, maybe she could find something that would help Lexa accomplish this dream._

_Clarke brushed her thumb lightly over Lexa’s cheek, “Okay, Lexa. I know you’ll find something. You’re very resourceful, aren’t you?”_

_Lexa rolled her eyes, but a smile replaced the frown on her lips and Clarke figured that was a win on her end. “Sure.”_

_~   ~   ~_

_They stayed in bed all day, naked and tangled up with each other. The only time they moved was when Lexa went downstairs and got them some food. Besides that, they talked about everything from Clarke’s childhood to Lexa’s job. They kissed leisurely, as if they had all the time in the world because the rest of the world didn’t really matter._

_Clarke talked about her parents and her interest in art, as well as her education on the subject. They even touched on the subject of Clarke’s family back home because Lexa wanted to know why she didn’t speak to them much._

_“There was an accident right before the end of high school,” Clarke’s eyes fell and suddenly she was the one in the awkward position._

_“What happened?”_

_Clarke wanted to tell her, knew that she could and that Lexa wouldn’t judge her. But it didn’t matter what Lexa would do because Clarke was still so raw from the experience, she blamed herself. “Can we not, talk about it?”_

_Lexa reached out, brushing curly strand of Clarke’s hair behind her ear, “We don’t have to talk at all.” Then she leaned in, urging Clarke onto her back and pressing a heated kiss to her lips. Her hands trailed up the soft, naked curves of Clarke’s hips and up then over to caress just beneath her breast._

_They stayed like that, kissing and touching but not going much further because there was no rush to. Clarke enjoyed the feeling of being this way, knowing full well that there was no way it would last but happy to indulge in it for the time that she had._

_~   ~   ~_

_At some point Clarke got out her sketchpad and colored pencils. Lexa was dozing after they had put together a dinner of grilled cheese and canned soup they found in the cupboard. She was in the process of outlining Lexa’s jaw for about the thirteenth time when the brunette awoke next to her._

_Her arm subconsciously reached out and wrapped around Clarke’s waist, pulling her closer. She rested her sleepy head on Clarke’s shoulder to get a look at the sketchpad. “Wha’cha doin?” her voice was raspy with sleep._

_“You’re very difficult to draw. It’s like, the lines, I can’t get them right. Its maddening.” Clarke erased another line, trying to calm her thumping heart and nerves at Lexa seeing her own portrait. It was an intimate process, drawing someone else because the artist had to be able to contour and perfectly shade every feature._

_Lexa didn’t seem to think of it that way and hummed, placing a chaste kiss to Clarke’s shoulder before slipping away and climbing out of bed. The sun was almost completely set, the rich oranges filling the room and casting it into shadows. The light shone perfectly off of Lexa’s body as her arms reached up to stretch her back._

_Clarke’s breath caught in her throat and she forced herself to try to memorize every curve, arch and stretched muscle of Lexa’s body. Her slim waist, the shape of her breasts and hard lines of her stomach. Inspiration struck almost immediately and her hand moved down on the page to begin a rough outline to use for later._

_The brunette was already walking towards the bathroom, her ass swaying hypnotically. Clarke wasn’t sure if her heart was going to be able to survive the beauty that was Lexa Woods._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be current time as will the rest of this story.   
> Enjoy.


	16. Part 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke & Abby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this song literally made me cry the first time I heard it and instantly knew it needed to be on this chapter. I hope you all enjoy it. Let me know what you think!  
> ~TGF

_Why Did You Leave Us - NF_

            “Check.”

            “Fuck that,” Clarke huffed, her hand carding through her hair nervously.

            “You’ve grown rusty in your old age, Clarke,” Wells smirked victoriously from across the table. He had his fingers intertwined and resting in front of him, in that overconfident, cocky way he always had as a kid. It succeeded in irking Clarke while she tried to look for a way to keep her King from being captured.

            “Shut up, Wells,” she growled, kicking at his wheelchair and sending him rolling backwards a bit before he caught himself with a bark of laughter. She finally made a move and settled back in her chair to breathe, hoping she would get herself out of this situation and win.

            The two of them had always had competitive streaks, which made for very loud and aggressive yelling during any game. In the Griffin household, there had never been a dull moment when Wells and Clarke were together.

            They sat in the dining room, opposite each other with an expensive, hand-carved chess set between them. A bag of Doritos sat to Clarke’s left, halfway between the two of them and a bottle of Coke in front of her. A neat line of pawns, a knight, both bishops and queen sat in front of her, yet somehow she was still getting her ass handed to her.

            It was easier for Clarke to sit there with Wells and ignore her mother, who was just over in the living room doing something on her laptop with her reading glasses propped up on her nose. She could just see the electronic glow around the corner and the back of the recliner through the entryway. Through being picked up at the airport, the funeral and every waking moment alone together in Clarke’s childhood home the remaining Griffin women had been disconnected.

            There was minimal communication, mostly because Clarke could hardly look at her mother without feeling searing betrayal that had settled deep into her stomach after learning about what had happened to her father. Abby’s eyes followed her every move, filled with pity and a pain Clarke despised.

            “Clarke?” Wells’ voice drew her from her thoughts and she glanced back towards him.

            “Yeah?”

            “Are you with me?”

            She shrugged and pushed a pawn forward, unknowingly opening her only knight left for the taking. At this point, she wasn’t even paying enough attention to realize she was losing. Her eyes caught his across the table and dared him to bring up the subject that was glaringly obvious.

            Wells glanced back down, and she thought she had won the staring contest until he spoke, “Clarke, you need to talk to her. I can leave.”

            “No,” it came out harsher and louder than they both expected. Wells sat back in his chair, huffed and gave her one of his all-knowing Wells looks that made her feel like shit every time she snapped at him. Most of the time he knew what she was feeling even when she wasn’t quite sure herself.

            “Clarke, you can’t go around hating her for the rest of your life. It won’t make you feel any better. Right now, she needs you and you need her, no matter how much you think you don’t,” Wells continued, even though he wasn’t sure if he should or even if  Clarke was listening. “She loves you and your dad loved you. I know everything that happened and I know how hurt you’ve been in your life, but that doesn’t mean you should disown the only family you have left.”

            “She’s not my only family, I have you.” Clarke finally noticed how open her knight was and moved it, eyes trained directly on the board in front of her.

            “That’s different, Clarke. I’m going to go outback and you are going to go in there and talk to her. We both know that you have to no matter how much you don’t want to.”

            “You can’t make me.”

            “I can’t make you do anything, Clarke. But you know what must be done,” Wells shrugged and rolled the wheelchair backwards. He flicked the backdoor light on and slid the glass door open. Getting himself outside was difficult, but he declined Clarke’s help, firmly telling her to go talk to her mother once again.

            The sliding glass door shut firmly, locking Clarke inside like the beginning of a cage fight. She turned and entered the living room, taking a seat on the couch across from her mother. She fiddled with her phone, scrolling through social media and acting like she had complete reason to be sharing the same space as her mother, when she really didn’t.

            “Did Wells leave?”

            “No, he went outside.”

            "Clarke, we should talk."  
            Clarke sighed, putting her phone down and crossing her arms. "I don’t want to talk, or I'll say something I'll regret."  
            A beat of silence followed where Clarke could see Abby exiting out of her internet tabs in the reflection of her glasses. With a definitive click, the laptop was closed, and Abby was sitting up straight to provide Clarke with her full attention. "I did what I thought was best."

            Abby sighed and took her glasses off, rubbing the bridge of her nose.  
            Clarke's insides felt like they were boiling, her blood ran hot in her veins at the way her mother said those words. She jumped to her feet, throwing her hands in the air. "What was best? For who? Me or him, mom?"  
            Abby didn’t move, just stared down at the ground as she spoke, calmly, "Both. I wanted to tell you, but I promised him I wouldn’t. He told me he would do it himself. He thought..." Abby's voice broke and her eyes filled with tears, "he thought he had more time."  
            "You're a coward. You know you should have told me. This family is built, molded, of cowardice and deceit. Dad didn’t want you telling me he was sick because he didn’t want to talk to me about everything this family has done to hurt me, about how I resent him. He didn’t want to hear that he wasn't the best dad he always thought he was."  
            "Don't say that, Clarke. Your father loved you."  
            "Love has nothing to do with it, mom!" Her voice rose in frustration, cracking slightly with pent up emotion. No matter how much she tried to convince herself that it was all anger, she knew it wasn't. "I will never get rid of this sick feeling of resentment in my stomach because you chose his wishes over what was best for me. I will never think of my father and remember the happy times. I'll remember the arguing, the lies and the symptoms of drug withdrawals."  
            "Clarke...I'm sorry. I didn’t realize..." she reached out, somehow believing that a physical connection would mend the growing emotional distance between herself and her daughter.  
            Clarke jerked herself backwards, "Of course you didn’t, you were always too busy fixing other people because you could never fix your family."  
            The silence that enveloped them seemed to weigh heavily on their shoulders. Both Griffin women had tears in their eyes, but neither reached out for the others comfort. Clarke had just lost her father and yet it felt like she had lost her mother too. Like her entire family had been swept away with one death and she had never felt more alone.   
            But Abby was still standing there, a stranger albeit, but alive and breathing. Something inside of Clarke seemed to crack then, a wall she didn’t know she had built. But suddenly she felt the loneliness, betrayal and loss so profoundly it made her chest physically ache. Her grandparents, Finn, almost losing Wells and Raven, now her father and her relationship with Lexa. It felt like she was losing her mother too, like she was somehow killing her when she stood right in front of her, begging for a second chance.  
            A sob bubbled up in her chest so suddenly she couldn’t hold it in. The pain laced through her and she leaned heavily against the wall. She sucked in a couple of harsh, heavy breaths to calm herself, clamping her hand over her mouth to keep herself from sobbing. Her palms were sweaty and her entire body was shaking, "I don’t want Dr. Abby Griffin, mom. If you want to be here for me, if you want to comfort me, I need my mom. I need you to kiss my head and hold me close and tell me everything is going to be okay, even though we both know it won't be."  
            Abby nodded, her face scrunching with the effort to hold in her tears. She rushed forward, bringing herself within inches of Clarke. "Whatever you need, Clarke."  
            Clarke slumped forward, settling herself into the crook of her mother’s neck. She felt Abby's arms wrap around her, one moment slow and unsure and the next fiercely, as if Clarke was her lifeline.  
            They held on to each other, eyes misty and hearts aching with loss.  
            "He's gone, mom." Clarke sobbed, finally. Her shoulders slouching as she allowed to the tension to leave her and the tears to flow freely. Her sobs were loud and broken, they broke Abby's heart to hear.  
            "I know, sweetie, but I'm still here. You'll always have me." Those seemed to be the right words because Clarke's blunt fingers dug into Abby's back and she pressed her face tightly to her neck. Clarke allowed herself to finally, in that moment, fully succumb to all of her feelings in the comfort and familiarity of her mother's arms.

            It took several minutes for the Griffin women to calm down enough to speak. Abby rubbed a soothing hand on Clarke’s back, “Your father loved you and no matter what he was, all he ever wanted to do was be good enough for you. He made a lot of mistakes, yes, but so does everyone. He loved you Clarke, he loved taking you out for ice cream when you were a kid, fixing up your first car when you were a teen. He was so proud of the woman you have become. You are strong-willed, independent and creative and we are both proud to call you our daughter.”

            Clarke hiccupped and sniffled, “I’ve done a horrible thing, mom.”

            “No, you haven’t, sweetie. You’re just heartbroken. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

            Clarke pulled away and rubbed at her face, eyes red-rimmed, “Yes I have…I’ve been having an affair.”

            “What?”

            “I’ve been sleeping with one of my clients.”

            “Clarke, that’s not—”

            “Yes, it is, mom, she had a girlfriend and I ruined their relationship. I’m a horrible person. But I can’t stop it, I’m—” Clarke cut herself off, her heart skipped a beat before slamming into her ribcage harder than before. Blood rushed in her ears at the thoughts running through her brain. She remembered everything about Lexa, from the curve of her smirk to the dimples at the base of her spine. Her smile, her eyes and the smoothness of her skin. Everything about Lexa, Clarke wanted it without question, had memorized effortlessly.

            “Clarke, are you okay?”

            “I’ve ruined a relationship, destroyed my career and fallen in love with a client.”

            “In love? Clarke, what?” Abby sputtered, reaching out for her daughter again, placing a gentle hand on her forearm.

            Clarke shook her head, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I need to get back to the city. I need to fix my life.”

            “Clarke, wait. Just…stay here for a couple of days,” Abby soothingly rubbed circles into her daughter’s skin. “You can go back after we’ve talk. Just stay with me a little bit longer?’

            The blonde sucked in a calming breath and tried to push everything that related to work and Lexa away. Abby was right, they needed to be together right now. She could explain everything to her mother and maybe she would be able to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Jake was a recovered addict from when Clarke was younger, her formative years were full of dealing with him at his eyes and lows, literally. Her mom was very absent because of it and basically Clarke had to try to raise herself during that time. Once Jake was clean, their relationship got better but Clarke never really spoke to him about it and now that he's gone she never will.


	17. Part 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa starts to work on herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I couldn't find a song that really fits this chapter, but I hope you guys like it. We only have a couple more chapters left and I hope the development of Clarke and Lexa over the course of this story satisfies everyone. Drop a comment and let me know what you think.   
> ~TGF  
> PS. All mistakes are my own. Sorry!

(17)

            Lexa was seated in her office trying to focus on the brief sitting before her and having very little success with getting past the first couple of sentences. She was too preoccupied with wondering what Clarke was up to and remembering that Costia was sitting in the office just a couple of doors away from her own.

            She was saved from reading the next line for the fifteenth time when there was a polite knock on the door and Costia entered without being granted permission. Lexa had thought it would be louder, maybe an explosion of emotion from the other woman when she finally decided to confront her at work. But, she should have known Costia wasn’t one for fiery emotion and spontaneity. She was calculating and analytical, more likely to search for a weak spot in a person’s argument or personality and hone in on it, using it against them. She was much more like Lexa and her family then Lexa cared to admit.

            “I can’t do this anymore, Lexa,” her voice was calm and low as she stood over Lexa’s desk. The fingertips of one hand spread over the desk top and the other placed an envelop on the desk, addressed to Lexa in loopy cursive. “This is my letter of resignation and consider it to be in effect immediately.”

            Lexa squeezed her eyes shut, but before Costia could let go of it, Lexa placed her hand over hers, “Can you wait until we find a replacement? How am I supposed to find someone to do what you do on such short notice?” She knew it was a long shot, but she was practically begging. She had already informed parts of the board that she trusted they were going to need to find a new COO, but she didn’t exactly know when. She just hadn’t thought it would be this soon.

            “I don’t know, Lexa. Why don’t you ask Clarke? She seems good at doing what I used to do.” Brown eyes flashed with anger and Costia ripped her hand way from Lexa’s before turning to leave. “I don’t care anymore, Lexa. Goodbye.”

            She left with one last flip of her hair and the door closed firmly behind her.

            Lexa didn’t even bother opening the letter. She knew what it held and didn’t care for its bitter words so eloquently written that she wasn’t sure if they were truly meant to hurt her or not. Her day had already been long enough, her head was pounding and there was still a stack of papers that either had to be signed or read over and responded to. The likelihood of her finishing it was slim and she rested her head in the palms of her hand.           

            In the privacy and loneliness of her own office, she allowed herself a moment of weakness. A long sigh escaped her and she bumped her head against the desk several times, not hard enough to damage herself, but hard enough to jostle her brain around in her skull. It felt better than the numbness settling into her bones.

            Her phone rang on her desk and she lifted her head long enough to note the name.

            “Hey, Anya,” she mumbled into the receiver, resting her head back on the edge of the desk.

            “How are you doing, kid?” Anya’s voice was soothing and less harsh than normal. Obviously, she knew Lexa was hurting and was gong to walk on eggshells around her for a while. Lexa hated it with a passion.

            “I’m busy, Anya. What do you need?” Lexa sat up, spinning in her chair to look out the window. The sun was setting, casting the sky in pastel colors, purple and black stretching into pinks of all different shades. It reminded Lexa of Clarke because she knew the other woman would have admired it. Once again, she was wondering how Clarke was doing and if she was admiring the sky right now too.         

            “Come over tonight, we need to talk.”

            “Maybe you didn’t catch it, An, but I am _busy_. I can’t just…come over.”

            “Lexa,” Anya’s voice hardened, “you’re going to shut down the office and come over here. We need to talk.”

            “I was there two weeks ago, Anya. What’s going on?”

            “Just come over here.” Anya snapped one last time before she hung up the phone and left Lexa with the knowledge of what exactly she was supposed to be doing. Anya was a firecracker of a woman and Lexa very rarely told her no when she was in a mood like this. She knew she was going to get her ass chewed out but the numbness was still there and she couldn’t find it in herself to truly care.

~   ~   ~

            Lexa arrived at Anya’s apartment nearly an hour later after hitting her apartment and changing out of her work clothes. Now she was dressed in casual jeans and a dark green sweater. The door was flung open and Anya invited her inside. She had a bottle of wine pulled out but unopened on the kitchen table.

            “What’s going on, Anya?” Lexa asked after taking stock of her cousin’s apartment.

            “I’ve got some good news and I think that you need to hear it,” He blonde wrapped an arm around Lexa’s shoulder, guiding her into the kitchen.

            “What?”

            “Remember how Dr. Asker was avoiding my phone calls?”

            “Yeah, and?”

            “Well, I dropped his ass and picked up Dr. Waters. We’re starting Elemental!”

            “That’s amazing, An!” Lexa wrapped the older woman in a hug, feeling the icy numbness in her chest thaw a bit, “I still expect something for giving you the name!”

            Anya laughed and withdrew herself, going to the table and reaching for a corkscrew to pop the bottle. “You ready to party with me?”

            “Just the two of us?”

            “Who else would I invite?” Anya popped the cork out of the bottle and poured two glasses before bringing one over to Lexa. She sauntered passed the brunette and settled down on the couch. “So lets talk, nerd.”

            “Talk about what?”

            “What’s been going on with you?”

            “Well, after a week of not showing up to work, Costia finally quit. Now I’m left to drown in all my work and her work without anyone to replace her. It sucks. I can hardly focus and the business is falling apart without me at the top of my game.”

            Anya settled on the couch, tucking her knees under herself and sipping at her wine as she listened. “Well, maybe you should quit.” It was a flippant comment, as if she was stating the sky was blue or suggesting they watch a movie. Like it was easy.

            “What?” Lexa asked, taken aback by the mere idea. Her life had always been planned out for her. She was meant to take over the family company and keep it running just like her father. She wasn’t supposed to suck at it and drop it when it got hard. She was a Woods for Christ sake, and they were tough.

            “You don’t like it, Lexa. I’ve watched you force yourself to do this for almost three years now. You put off traveling in college because you were struggling with your business classes, you put off having fun your whole life to live up to whatever standard you think Uncle Gus wants you to be. You’ve stopped yourself from doing everything you want to satisfy your dad, and Lexa you’re doing it to yourself. Uncle Gustus loves you more than anything in this world, you don’t have to prove anything to him. You would rather be working with kids or literally doing anything else, we all know this, Lexa. But it seems like you’re the only one that doesn’t.”

            “I would not. I love the numbers and working with the people I work with. Maybe I’d like to do other things too, but that doesn’t mean I hate this job,” Lexa scoffed.

            Anya shrugged, “You’re telling me that you prefer greedy, powerful, rich old men trying to tell you what to do over helping kids?”

            Lexa shrugged, “They are kind of old, huh?”

            “They are, and they smell like a nursing home.” Anya smirked, “But that’s not the point, Lexa. What do you see yourself doing? Besides this job.”

            Lexa shrugged too, “I really haven’t thought about it.”

            “Exactly, you were raised to do this. Uncle Gustus didn’t mean to do it, but he molded you into something you aren’t. You aren’t a business woman, Lexa, you’re meant to make more of a difference than that,” Anya insisted.

            “Like what? Being a doctor? I’m not built for saving lives, An.”

            “No, like doing what you’ve _always_ wanted to do. You could contribute to the foster care system or work within the LGBT community. You could do something that makes you feel good and not something that feels like an obligation to your father.”

            Lexa sighed. She couldn’t say that she didn’t want to do something else or help out other kids that were currently in the situation that she had been in as a kid. She wanted to help everyone that she could, but she’d come to the realization that it was impossible many years ago.

            “Who would take over the company? My dad is retired and I don’t have any siblings.”

            “Nyko’s graduated. He’s successful and he could take over if Gustus would let him,” Anya set down her glass at the frown on Lexa’s face. “I’m not saying you’re doing horribly at your job, Lexa. I’m just saying that you could be doing more, making more of a difference. Really, you could be a representative for the company and be a social leader for the community.”

            The brunette shrugged and finished her wine, setting it down on the table. “I could talk to dad, I guess. But I don’t know how he’ll feel about it.”

            “I bet if you explained to him what you wanted to do, he’d be okay with it.”

            “I don’t even know what I want to do, Anya.”

            “Well do some research, make a presentation and give him an offer he can’t refuse. You can be very persuasive when you want to be.”

~   ~   ~

             Lexa was finally home. It had taken days of urging and threatening from Anya and a lecture from her mother. A video chat session with her father squinting through his glasses and holding his phone way too low and close to his face was what did it. She needed to go home and see them, and if anything, teach her father that he didn’t have to shout to be heard on the phone.

            Anya was telling her that her plan was perfect and that Gustus would accept it without a problem, but Lexa still had her doubts. It wasn’t that the outline or the idea was bad, it was Lexa’s doubt in herself. She hadn’t spoken to anyone about the proposal besides Anya and had only done some beginning research on the programs around the city that she could either donate too or contribute her time to. It was all just theoretical, and Lexa didn’t like hold onto something that wasn’t substantial, just like her father. But it was all she had, she just needed to make it sound appealing

            Yes, Nyko had accepted her offer to take over the company but would Gustus be okay with it? What about finding a replacement for Costia? Lexa had yet to do that and was still in the hiring process for several potential candidates. There were still so many questions Lexa had. What if her dad didn’t help her fund the non-profit? What if he didn’t like the idea at all? The what ifs were killing her.

            It was Sunday and Lexa’s mom was over at a friend’s house planning some party or other while she and Gustus stayed home to watch a football game that was on at noon. The two of them were outside on the back porch, sipping at glasses of whiskey and watching the pre-game show in silence when Gustus spoke up.

            “Stop jittering, Lexa. It makes you look weak.”

            “Dad,” Lexa stopped and rolled her eyes up to her father, irritated.

            “What’s on your mind, kid?”

            “What do you mean? Nothing, I’m fine.”

            “Lexa, you’ve been staring at me all day and jittering around. Its like you can’t stop watching me. There’s something going on that you aren’t telling me about and I think you should talk to me.” Gustus reached for the remote and muted the television. His dark eyes met Lexa’s warmly and steadily, a rock amidst a rough sea that was Lexa’s life. “Is it about Costia?”

            “No,” She frowned and turned away, suddenly very interested in the bottle clasped in her hands. “Well, kind of, I guess. She quit, like you know and I’m scrambling to find a new COO but I’m having a hard time managing all the paperwork alone. Anya has been trying to help me come up with a plan and I wanted to run it by you.”

            Gustus nodded, waiting expectantly for Lexa to continue. She did, slowly, explaining how she wanted to bring Nyko into the family business. Take him under her wing and teach him the ins and outs of the company. She outlined her plan for the Woods Children Foundation and her plans to aim it towards foster kids and LGBT youth. Once Nyko was settled and prepared for becoming CEO, Lexa would take more of a background roll in the company and manage the Foundation. Once she was finished, silence settled between them.

            Finally, Gustus broke it. “I knew this was going to happen.”

            “What?” Lexa asked, dumbfounded, that was not what she had been expecting.

            “You weren’t meant for being a CEO, Lexa. You’re too emotional, not that your emotions are the problem. But you’re too passionate about so many other things. You’ve always been meant to do something more than manage your dad’s company.”

            “Really? You think so?”

            “Lexa, you’re wise beyond your years and stronger than anyone I know. You were meant for something greater and starting a nonprofit in our name and doing good for this community, that is something my selfish, young brain never would have thought of.” Gustus placed a gentle hand on his daughter’s leg, the only sign of his smile the crinkles by his eyes. “I support you, Lexa, and I’ll be here every step of the way. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

            “Really? I get to boss you around?” a mischievous smile spread across Lexa’s lips.

            “I mean, not in front of our employees, but we’ll see,” Gustus rolled his eyes with a gentle smile. “I’ll set up some meetings with a social worker I know and we’ll go from there. Now, let’s get back to this damn game, you’ve already made me miss enough of it. We can set up a brainstorming session sometime next week.” He settled back in his chair with a chuckle and hit play.


	18. Part 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets a proposition and tells Raven about Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm basically done writing this story, so I'm trying to mass post it. I want to move on to some stuff I've been working on and mulling over. I hope nobody thinks that its rushed or random, but I do hope that it is enjoyed.  
> Thanks,  
> TGF

_(18)_

The first week of her return, she’d had Marcus send out her paintings to Lexa Woods’ office downtown without a second thought. If she wanted to move on and figure out how she felt about the other woman, she had to completely avoid anything about her. 

            A month after returning to New York and Clarke felt like a new person. Inspiration seemed to appear out of nowhere, taking control of her hands and forcing her to create things she had been dying to but didn’t have the willpower to complete before. It seemed like she just couldn’t stop even if she tried now.

            Clarke threw herself into work, coming up with so many different projects her studio was full of canvases covered in paint. More often than not, she was covered in it too. Her ideas didn’t stop at her collections, but they extended to potential exhibits for Marcus’ gallery.

            Her studio was in the back of the gallery dedicated to artists that Marcus commissioned constantly when the man himself approached her. The rooms reminded Clarke of classrooms, the same size and shape across and next to each other down a blank hallway that ended at Marcus’ office. Her name was hanging on the door, engraved into a golden plate to indicate that this was her personal space.  

            “Clarke, can I speak with you?” Marcus leaned into the room, he smiled happily at her.

            “Yeah, give me a sec,” Clarke stood from her chair and hopped over cans of paint, plates of mixed colors that she’d discarded because they just weren’t the right ratio or shade. It took several moments and a near trip into a bucket of red paint before she was standing before the older man.

            “I’m glad you’re back to it, Clarke,” he smiled at her. She was covered in all sorts of different colors. Her inner arm had stripes of paint all the way down it as she’d tested the different shades and her overalls were covered in caked on paints. There were blue streaks in her hair and a smear of green on her cheek, as if she’d rubbed her hand over it without realizing she had paint on it.

            “Thanks, Marcus, I feel a lot better after going home.”

            “I’m sure it has to do with getting that stressful Woods case closed off,” Marcus placed a gentle hand on Clarke’s shoulder. He may not speak to her much and she may be his employee, but he was observant and knew that somehow, the Woods project was doing something to her. He hadn’t liked it, but Clarke was an adult and if she wasn’t able to handle it, she would have told him.

            He saw the way her face fell and her eyes dropped to the floor for a split second, “Yeah, that one was hard. But what’s up? Need help with something?”

            “I was actually wondering if you wanted to plan the next exhibition? I have a couple of buyers interested in doing something to get this place further on the map.”

            “And what’s the idea?”

            “That’s the thing, I want you to come up with it.”

            “Me?” Clarke touched her chest, eyebrows raising as if the idea of that was completely outrageous.

            Marcus nodded and turned, gesturing for Clarke to follow him down the hall into his office. They took their seats before he spoke again. “You’ve been with me for the longest, you’ve made a lot of money and you’re very talented. I’ve seen some of the things you’ve been working on recently and I think that you need to move forward. So, for the next gallery show, I want you to give me a theme and then I want you to manage it.”

            “You want me to be you?” Clarke asked incredulously.

            “Essentially, yes.” Marcus nodded. “Do you think you can handle it?”

            “Yes! I’ve actually been thinking of some ideas for a gallery showing.”

            “Well, shoot.” He leaned back in his chair, crossing one leg over the other as he settled in to listen to Clarke. This was better than he expected. His plan had been to ease her into the idea, knowing she didn’t have any business background or knowledge was something he was going to have to work with. But he hadn’t been prepared for this much eagerness.

            “What about a Local Artists week? We only open our doors every couple of weeks with new events, but if we had a set _Local Artists_ week, we’d have one thing planned every week. We could interchange artists and constantly have new faces and new perspectives within the gallery.”

            Marcus nodded. “Okay, anything else?”

            Clarke tapped her fingers on the table and bit at her lower lip, “I was thinking of doing something with kids. What if we connected with the local schools? We could have kids enter their art into a competition and every month do a _Youth In Art_ project where we showcase them.”

            “I like that, keep thinking about it and discuss it with the other artists and interns. I’ll bring it up at the next board meeting and try to get something rolling for us.”

            “Seriously?”

            “Clarke,” Marcus met her eyes, “you are an amazing, talented and intelligent woman. I’d be an idiot to leave you where you are. You’ve barely scraped at the extent of your full potential. Trust me.”

            “Okay,” Clarke stood and reached out, shaking Marcus’ hand. “Thanks, Marcus.”

            The man took her hand, “I should be thanking you. Now get back out there, kid.”

~   ~   ~

            Raven was irritated. Her leg hurt, and she couldn’t find a comfortable position on the couch. Octavia’s body was pressed tightly to hers and emitting warmth like an electric blanket. Her breathing was deep and she looked so peaceful and comfortable that Raven refused to move no matter how badly her body ached.     

            The movie they had been watching had ended a long time ago and the menu screen was not entertaining Raven at all. It was too bad the remote was on the coffee table. So, Raven just sat there, listening to the sound of Octavia’s deep breaths and gentle snores in her ear for nearly half an hour until Clarke barged into the apartment.

            The smaller girl jumped in Raven’s arms before groaning and burying herself further into Raven’s warmth. This permitted Raven to move too and take much needed pressure off her bad leg. She rolled slightly onto her back and nudged Octavia to lay on top of her.

            “Hey, Clarke,” Raven smiled over the arm of the couch at the blonde girl. She had paint caked in her hair and streaking her arms. “How was work?”

            “Fine, how are you guys? Octavia looks tired.”

            “She worked late and works later tonight, has her internship interview tomorrow too. But since your home, I’ll take her to bed.” Raven brushed her fingers gently through silky brown tresses and murmured to her girlfriend that she needed to get up. With a whine of protest, Octavia stood and stumbled down the hall and into her bedroom.

            Raven moved much slower, grimacing as she sat up and stretched her aching limbs. Clarke had wandered into the kitchen but was on her way back out when she saw the expression on Raven’s face. She paused and watched curiously as Raven rose to her feet, placing most of her weight on her right arm to force herself upwards. She settled onto her legs and twisted herself to stretch out her back.

            Once she stopped Clarke made her presence known, “How you doing, Rae?”

            “I’m doing okay,” Raven shrugged and watched Clarke carefully. “What about you? You’ve been distant lately…with your dad.”

            Clarke shrugged and took a sip of her drink, “I miss him, but…I feel better, lighter somehow. Like something’s changed and he’s still here with me, cheering me on. All of the bad things, they feel…less, somehow.”

            Raven nodded and limped over to the blonde, placing a hand on her shoulder, “That’s good, Clarke, really good. But why do you still look so sad?”

            “Why do you?” Clarke met warm brown eyes and suddenly felt like she could tell Raven anything in that moment if she wanted to.

            The brunette nodded and squeezed Clarke’s shoulder gently, “Because it’s not the same.”

            “And it never will be,” Clarke shrugged and pulled Raven in for a hug, grounding herself in the other girl’s steadfast presence. “Can I tell you something?”

            “You can tell me anything,” Raven murmured into her hair, squeezing the other girl close before letting go.

            “Remember that…person I was kind of with for awhile?”

            “The one that really had you fucked up? The one you refused to tell us all about? Wasn’t it some married guy?” Raven smirked and poked at Clarke’s stomach suggestively.

            Clarke wet her lips nervously, “Uh, no not married but…well, it was Lexa Woods and we were, I guess, kind of, having an affair.”

            “Woah, what?”

            “Yeah, I told Octavia a little bit about it but…I don’t know, I feel like I need to let other people know about it or else I won’t be able to get it all straight in my head.” Clarke gestured vaguely at herself.

            “Okay!” Raven pointed to the couch, “Sit your ass down and tell me everything. I swear to god, Griffin, you should have said something early and I would have given you the most amazing advice.” They both settled back down on the couch, Clarke with a chuckle and Raven with a serious expression on her face.

            “I mean, you were kind of busy with your accident, Rae,” Clarke rolled her eyes.

            Raven shrugged, “Whatever, now spill everything, Mama Reyes needs to know.”

            So Clarke did and as the words came out she felt even lighter, as if keeping it all buried inside was weighing her down somehow. Like she was finally taking the boulders out of the backpack on her shoulders, one at a time.

            She told Raven everything about how much she really cared about Lexa and how she managed to get herself entangled with the older woman amidst not knowing and then knowing about Costia. Lexa’s father and how everything fell apart. It felt good and she felt better.

            When she finished, Raven stared at her as if she were a stranger. They remained silent as Clarke tried to gauge her reaction. It didn’t look good until Raven’s smile grew into a shit-eating grin. “Griffin.”

            Clarke stared, so confused she didn’t respond.

            “Griffin, your love life is so fucked up.” Raven burst into laughter, it was sudden and so unexpected that she rolled backwards, leaning heavily against the couch.

            “What?” Clarke blinked, thinking that Raven had officially lost it.

            It took her several beats to recover from her outburst, but when she did, she pretended to wipe at tears for dramatic effect. “I can’t believe you, Clarke. You’ve finally gone all bad girl and I didn’t even know about it. I’m hurt, truly and deeply injured by your secrets.” Raven clutched at her chest. “You’re a fucking dumbass. I mean, I got _hit by a car_ , I didn’t have a choice to being fucked up. But you, Clarke, you seriously chose to fuck up this badly.”

            Clarke stared at her, heart clenching in her chest at the words. She blinked again, this time to fight tears and to keep the hurt off her face. “Thanks, Rae,” she muttered thickly, “I needed that.”

            “Clarke,” Raven shook her head, squeezing at the depressed girl’s shoulder, “this isn’t _that_ big of a deal. You cut it off right? You were fooling around with a famous CEO and ended it.”

            The blonde stayed silent, choosing to stare at her hands instead of explaining her more complicated feelings. How was she supposed to say that she thought she was falling for Lexa, yet loathed her at the same time? The emotions were all jumbled in a dark corner of Clarke’s mind she’d chosen to repress until she wanted to deal with it.

            “Clarke,” Raven’s voice was hard with a warning, “you cut it off, right?”

            “Yes, I cut it off,” Clarke gulped, meeting intense brown eyes with wide, scared blue ones.

            “You were just _fooling around,_ weren’t you?”

            Clarke’s eyes dropped once again.

            “Clarke!” Raven snapped, shaking the blonde until she finally looked at her. “You can’t tell me that you love her. You _can’t_. You _used_ each other and then, what? You fell in love with her? The sex couldn’t be that good.”

            The look on Clarke’s face told Raven everything she needed to know, but the added, “It was that good, Rae.” Made the brunette shudder.

            “Okay, so what? You’re in love with her? But you broke it off?”

            “Basically.”

            “What are you going to do, dumbass?”

            “I don’t know.” Clarke buried her face in her hands miserably.

            Raven rubbed her back soothingly, but her words were the opposite, “I say just make a clean cut and move on. You’ll find someone better.”

            Clarke wasn’t so sure.


	19. Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa heals, a conflict arises or maybe a solution?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I accidentally added another bad guy at the end of this chapter. I don’t know how I managed to add another conflict when there’s literally only one chapter left, but I managed it. It will all be resolved in the next chapter, though. We’re introduced to Aden and I honestly didn’t plan on using him, but he’s a good bridge, I think, for Lexa’s healing. So yeah, enjoy. We’ll hear from Clarke soon enough.
> 
> ~TGF

 

_Feel Something – Jaymes Young_

_Two months later_

Gustus had set Lexa up with Indra, a social worker within the foster care system. And, Lexa later found out, the one that conducted Lexa’s adoption to the Woods. Once she’d brought her idea to the table, there was a lot of work to do, but with Indra’s support they’d managed to get it rolling much quicker than Lexa expected.

            Less than two months after bringing it up with Gustus, she’d been given a position with Indra, she was placed at a home for wayward kids between the ages of seven and seventeen to help out and personally helped try to alleviate some of the stress on Indra’s shoulders. She still worked with her father and Nyko in a more supportive roll that dealt with finances and less with the business representation of the company. Gustus had basically temporarily come out of retirement to help Nyko settle in so there would be a much smoother transition in power once everything was finalized.

            Gustus and Lexa invested heavily into a safe home for LGBT youth. It wasn’t a well-known place and received very little financial help from the community at large, but Lexa insisted on rebuilding the home, providing the people living and working there a place to stay, and working there as often as possible to help with a staffing problem.

            Two months into that project and the remodel was completely done, the kids were moved back in and Lexa started working with them immediately. Then, Lexa met Aden.

            He was a thirteen-year-old kid living in the wayward foster home that Indra managed. At first, when Lexa introduced herself as the new owner, he stayed in the back of the common space, leaning against a pillar. But Lexa had felt his eyes on her, analytical and sharp. They talked briefly, where Aden asked her a couple of questions about herself before excusing himself to do something that must have been much more important.

            As time passed, Lexa began to understand the way the foster home worked. Aden was followed around by the smaller children because he was their protector from the bigger kids, even though Aden wasn’t that large for his age, or compared to some of the other older boys.

            The day she saw his black eye was the day they forged a bond that couldn’t be broken. Lexa knew who the kid was, a 17-year-old that loved to mess with the younger ones. He was always walking around menacingly, and he was less than two weeks away from being eighteen and finally on his own. Lexa knew there was no helping him, it pained her to even think it, but she knew it was true. The system had been trying to reform him from years. He was in and out of juvie and the epitome stereotype that gave foster kids a bad name, Lexa hated it.

            Lexa had approached him, called him out and promised that if he touched another one of the younger boys he wouldn’t make it anywhere in the city if she had anything to do with it. She may have threatened him too, but that didn’t really matter because he wouldn’t say anything. He, of course, wasn’t afraid of some rich bitch.

            Aden, apparently, had seen it all.

            Now, the two of them were closer than she’d ever been to anyone else. Aden basically went wherever Lexa was if she could take him from the foster home. She learned that Aden loved basketball so they started going to the public court together every Friday afternoon. Lexa learned he had lived with his birth parents until he was ten and the living conditions had been repulsive, so he’d been taken away from them. She learned his father had beat him whenever he didn’t have money for heroine and that his mom was normally too high to protect him. It broke the woman’s heart to think about.

            Around mid-April on a Tuesday, Lexa met Anya at a sandwich pub a ten-minute walk from the _Trikru_ LGBT Safe Haven, as Lexa had renamed it. Lexa knew exactly what Anya wanted to talk to her about, which was why she’d postponed their meeting until she couldn’t anymore.

            After getting through all their normal pleasantries and bullshit, Anya finally asked the question. “How _are_ you, Lexa?”

            “I’m doing really well, actually.” Lexa took a large bite of her sandwich when Anya looked at her doubtfully. “Really, An, I really am.” She mumbled around the mouthful of food.

            “Really?”

            “I feel good, I feel like I have a purpose now. _This_ is what I was meant to do. I still work for dad, I still make the money I need but I’m doing something _more_ than furthering myself. _I feel good, Anya_.”

            The older woman smiled, a quick quirk of her lip before she ate a chip. “So what are you going to do?”

            “Nothing,” Lexa raised her eyebrows, begging Anya to challenge her on the subject. She knew exactly what Anya was talking about and right now, Lexa didn’t think she needed to do anything. “I’m not going to do it.”

            “You’re not going to meet up with her?”

            “No,” Lexa tightened her jaw definitively. “I’m not going to meet up with her. I’m my own person now. I don’t—”

            “Cut the bullshit, kid.” Anya leaned over the table and pointed at Lexa with an accusatory finger. “You’re the one who said you were in love with her, you’re a better person now, I will admit that. You’re happier, but you need to at least say goodbye to her.”

            Lexa rubbed her forehead to try and alleviate the pressure building there. “I don’t need someone else to be happy, Anya.”

            “I know you don’t, Lex,” Anya’s voice softened, she squeezed the brunette’s arm gently. “But you are the type of person to love with all of yourself, loving someone else, it makes you happy too. But this, doing both, that’s a chance to do something more amazing. You may be helping everyone else, but you deserve to be personally happy too.”

            “You really think I should meet up with her?”

            “I think you deserve to be happy. You do everything for everyone else, Lex. Helping others, yeah, it makes you happy, but it doesn’t fulfill everything you want.”

            “I’ll think about it, Anya. Can we talk about something else?”

            Anya rolled her eyes, but knew that was the best she was going to get from her cousin. “Fine, tell me about the kid.”

~   ~   ~

            Friday afternoon couldn’t come fast enough for Lexa. Her weekly basketball sessions with Aden had become a sort of therapy. She picked him up around 1:30 and they drove down to public park. They were quiet through the ride for the most part. They finally found themselves a half-court hoop that was vacated.

            Aden dribbled the ball a couple of times before checking it to Lexa and beginning a game of one-on-one. He was nearly as tall as her so their games were normally pretty evenly matched.

            “How are you, Aden?” Lexa asked as she dribbled casually.

            “As opposed to the last time I saw you?” Aden grinned, he was dressed in basketball shorts and an oversized grey t-shirt. He crouched down to center his weight and widened his arms to block Lexa.

            “Yes,” Lexa chuckled, though it had only been a week and not much had changed she was sure. She dribbled the ball behind her back and between her legs a couple of times.

            Aden shrugged. “Not much, I met this girl at school. She’s cool, just moved here though, so she’ll realize that I’m the weirdo foster kid she goes to school with eventually.”

            “What? Then she’ll stop talking to you?”

            “Yeah, I’m the weirdo foster kid.”

            “You’re a weirdo, but being a foster kid shouldn’t really matter,” Lexa barked with laughter, faking left and then going right. She took a single step forward, jumped and shot the ball, nothing but net.

            Aden rolled his eyes and went to receive the ball, “Quit distracting me.”

            “I’m serious though,” Lexa grinned and caught the ball when he threw it at her. They switched places and she checked it to him. “Just talk to her, she shouldn’t care about any of that bullshit.”

            “And what do you know about girls?” Aden raised an eyebrow and dribbled the ball as Lexa rushed at him, trying to tap it out of his grasp. He blocked her with his back and twisted, gaining clear access to the hoop to which he attempted a successful lay-up.

            Lexa applauded him before continuing their conversation, “I’ll have you know, I’ve been with several.”

            “Last I heard,” Aden checked the ball to her, “you cheated on your girlfriend or fiancé or whatever with some artist.” It was stated matter-of-fact, not harshly but it still stung.

            The brunette paused, her heart stuttering in her chest. “Where’d you hear that?”

            “Some of the kids have been talking about it,” Aden shrugged, glancing down at the ground as if knowing he’d upset her somehow. “Apparently there are some business magazines gossiping about it, or something.”

            “Well,” Lexa sighed, “its true. I did.” If this was getting out in the media, then it was going to look bad for Nyko, she’d have to look into it sooner rather than later.

            “Did you love her?”

            “Who?”

            “Your girlfriend? The artist? Both?”

            “Its complicated, Aden. I made a mistake.” Lexa balanced the ball between her hip and forearm. This was not something she should be talking about with a thirteen-year-old boy. She thought that when they went out today that she would be able to avoid all thoughts of Clarke and Costia, but it seemed like the universe wasn’t feeling like giving her a break this week. First Anya, now Aden.

            “What was the mistake?”

            “All of it,” Lexa shrugged.

            Aden gestured for the ball and Lexa threw it to him. He dribbled it and stepped towards the free throw line, shooting but the ball came up too short. It bounced right back at him and he caught it, attempting the shot again before he made it. “What makes it so complicated?”

            “I didn’t love the woman I was with, Costia, I made a stupid mistake with a woman I hired to paint something for my office.” Lexa walked to stand under the basket as Aden practiced his free throws.

            “Doesn’t sound complicated to me.”

            “You just wouldn’t understand.”

            “Did you fall in love with the artist because you weren’t in love with your girlfriend?”

            “Aden—”

            “Answer the question, Lexa.” Aden fixed her with a hard stare, blue eyes piercing, and they reminded Lexa of another pair of blue eyes that would stare at her in the same way. As if they could see straight through her walls and bullshit to the soul buried underneath. His demand shouldn’t mean so much to her, she could easily brush him off. She was the adult here, yet she found herself pausing.

            She sighed, remember the last time she’d seen Clarke, two months ago. She wondered what the other woman was up to, if she was thinking about her and if she missed Lexa as much as Lexa missed her. “I didn’t mean to.”

            “Okay, but what are you going to do about it? What’s her name?” Aden shot another basket.

            “Clarke, and I’m not doing anything about it. At least not right now.” She paused, briefly wondering if she should continue and wondering why she was explaining her fucked up romantic life to a teenaged boy she barely knew. “We’re supposed to meet up again, in a month. There’s this fountain…we met at a gala awhile ago. We…I don’t know what the plan is, but that’s the next step, I guess.”

            “So are you going to go?”

            “I shouldn’t want to. I hurt her, I hurt so many people. She has every right to cut me off and never see me again but she offered this last…I don’t know, this last _maybe_. I shouldn’t go because she deserves to start fresh with someone that’ll treat her better than I did.”

            “Lexa,” Aden stared at her as she rambled. “You deserve someone good too. Do you think you could treat her better?”

            “Could she trust me if I tried?”

            “That’s the question you have to answer yourself,” Aden shot at the basket again, the ball swished in and Lexa retrieved it.

            “When did I start getting advice from a kid?”

            “I’m a teenager.”

            “Basically a child,” Lexa chuckled.

            “Love is powerful, Lexa. You don’t choose it, it chooses you.”

            “How would you know that?”

            “It’s just fate, Lexa. Sometimes, two people are just meant to—” Aden brought his fists together, made an explosion sound and blew his hands open. “It just happens.”

            “Sure, it does.” Lexa shook her head. “Now are we gonna play or keep talking?”

            She didn’t know what she was going to do, but she had twenty-eight days to figure it out. It would be easy to avoid the fountain, to keep herself from going there would just mean making other plans or locking herself away in her lonely apartment all night. But would Clarke show up? There was no promise that she would. It should be easy for her to forget about Lexa and move on with her life. The brunette had basically used her and then broke her heart, why wouldn’t she just want to forget?

            But what if Aden was right? What if this was something bigger than just Clarke and Lexa? Did she owe it to herself to at least try? Lexa prided herself on being the person to do anything she could to make something happen. She had always been reliable, trustworthy and steadfast her entire life, until recently.

            Lexa felt like she’d begun to fix whatever had broken all those months ago. She wasn’t sure if it had been broken all along or somehow, she’d broken something without realizing it. But whatever it was, it was mending, and she felt better about herself for it. Whether it was because of Aden, her father, or Anya. Or maybe it was because she was finally doing something that she could see and touch that helped so many more people than just herself. She was no longer stuck in an office staring at sheets of paper that meant little more than a rearrangement of letters to her, something she had to sign and move on to the next document.

            No, Lexa Woods was a changed woman and maybe, just maybe, she could be the person that she wants to be for Clarke Griffin.

~   ~   ~

            Lexa dropped Aden off around 6 o’clock after an early-ish dinner. Her phone rang just as she pulled up to the apartment. She answered it without looking at the caller ID.

            “Hello?”

            “ _Lexa? This is Nyko._ ”

            “Hey, what’s up? Everything alright?”

            “ _Yeah, everything is fine. I just got out of a meeting with Forbes._ ”

            “The magazine? What do they want?”

            “ _An interview._ ”

            “With you?”

            “ _No, with you. They’ve heard about everything you’ve been doing with the new Foundation. They want you to headline._ ” Nyko’s voice still sounded as surprised as Lexa felt, as if it still hadn’t sunk in completely for him.

            “Me to headline?” Lexa turned off the car and stepped out, grabbing her bag and pulling it over her shoulder. “Why do they want to know about the Foundation? They’re a business magazine.”

            “ _I don’t know, Lexa. You are Gustus’ daughter and the sole heir of this business. They want to do something with me too, but on a much smaller scale. I guess they don’t really care about me taking over, but they do care about you._ ”

            “Who was it?”

            “ _Roan Kwyn?”_

            “Oh, I see.”

            “ _What?_ ” Nyko heard the bitterness in Lexa’s tone and his curiosity piqued.

            “Nia Kwyn? Ring a bell? The woman my dad fired back in the 80s? Right when the company was getting big?  Well, that’s her son. He probably just wants to get dirt on me.” Lexa sighed and rubbed the palm of her hand over her forehead. The Kwyns’ were just another headache Lexa did not want to deal with. If there was dirt, he would find it and Lexa had a lot of it right now.  “Don’t give them an answer yet, we’ll have to have a meeting with my father immediately. This seems fishy.”

            “ _Yeah, his assistant, I think his name was Titus or something. He was staring me down, as if I was less than the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. It gave me a bad feeling. Call me when you can meet, we’ll figure this out.”_

            “Alright,” Lexa unlocked her apartment door and flicked on the hallway light. “I’ll call my dad and text you when I have a time. Are you busy tomorrow?”

            “ _I have an investors meeting at eight, but besides that, just paperwork.”_

“Okay, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

            “You too,” he paused, “And Lexa? Don’t sound so worried, this isn’t a big deal.” Then he hung up.

            Lexa sighed, a bad feeling settling into the pit of her stomach. This was definitely going to be a big deal.


	20. Part 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The article is published.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I have added a conflict to this story I hadn't intended to add. Now, there are a couple more chapters, but I promise that this all ends relatively well for Clarke and Lexa. I hope you enjoy this update and hope to see some comments! Thanks for reading!  
> ~TGF

_(20)Armor – Landon Austin_

            Lexa woke up with the knowledge that today was the day she was supposed to meet up with Clarke. Her stomach was twisted into knots as she walked into her old office, Nyko seated in her old chair. It was odd to be on this end of the table, but it felt right. She felt like the responsibility and stress had been lifted from her shoulders, there was a skip to her step that hadn’t been there before.

            Still, today she was supposed to see Clarke and today was the day her interview was going to be published. Gustus had forced Nia to allow the Woods PR branch to edit and read over the finished interview the night before. Lexa felt a bit more at ease, but that didn’t stop her from feeling uneasy over the idea of it.

            Gustus sat on the couch adjacent to the desk, a laptop open on his lap. A pair of reading glasses were perched on his nose as he read what was on the screen. He glanced up when Lexa entered.

            “Hey, kid. How are you?”

            “I’m good,” Lexa shrugged and smiled. Her heart hadn’t stopped thumping madly in her chest and her blood felt as though it was permanently buzzing with adrenaline. Her eyes lingered on the painting hanging behind her father’s head on the far wall before she met his expectant ones. “So what’s this meeting about?”

            “Well,” Nyko twisted in his seat. He was dressed in a tailored suit. His long scruff had been replaced with a professional close shave and his hair was shorter, more uniformed and pulled back into a bun. “besides the new issue of Forbes being published and your face being plastered all over it, there’s a couple of documents I need you to sign. Just some formalities, nothing too crazy.”

            Lexa nodded and took a seat across from her father. Nyko snatched up a folder on his desk before moving to sit next to Gustus. They looked so similar, both gruff, large men with knowing eyes. Lexa’s eyes drifted to the painting once again, her mind racing over what she was meant to do that night, if Clarke even showed.

            “This,” Nyko pulled a stapled packed of freshly printed papers out of the folder and turned it to face Lexa across the table, “is just a formality. It’s a contract outlining your sole responsibility for The Woods Foundation and its substituents: Trikru Safe Haven and the Woods Foster Program. Uncle Gus helped me write it up, there’s a separate Woods account set up for the non-profits. I have no control over anything, you are the leader of it now, Lexa.”

            The brunette glanced between the two men in front of her, surprised. “Really? I thought we agreed that it would be through the company.”

            “It is,” Gustus intervened, “but Nyko brought it to my attention that he wanted to make sure if something happened in the future, that he wouldn’t be able to do anything to mess with it. If you guys argue or have a falling out, he didn’t want to be able to swipe what you’ve worked so hard for out from underneath you. I agreed to it and this is the result.”

            “Really?” Lexa grabbed the edge of the paper, pulling it towards herself. She met Nyko’s kind eyes and knew for a fact that there would be nothing that caused them to fall out so badly, but she appreciated the consideration.

            Nyko shrugged, “Anything for you, Lexa. You deserve to be happy, this is what makes you happy and I don’t want to have even the slightest bit of control over it. It was your idea, your baby that you made into something better. I don’t want to take credit for something I didn’t do.”

            “Thank you,” Lexa breathed sincerely, reaching out and gripping Nyko’s forearm with her hand.

            The younger man smiled sweetly at her. “So if you sign it, then we’re done here.”

            “Okay,” Lexa grabbed the pen and with a shaky flourish, signed at the bottom of the last page. She didn’t even read it over, knowing full well that her father had looked out for her when helping write it.

            The next thing Nyko pulled out of his folder was a magazine, black and white with her face plastered on it. The photo shoot had been about two weeks ago and Lexa remembered it well. She wasn’t used to being in the spotlight like that. She’d been surrounded by makeup artists, hairstylists and photographers for the better part of the day. She was changed in and out of so many outfits she couldn’t keep track.

            Lexa admitted though, she looked good on the cover of Forbes magazine. Her hair had been straightened and teased into looking like effortless waves rolling over one shoulder. She was dressed smartly, in a black suit tailored perfectly to her body. She leaned heavily against a wall, hands in her pocket as she looked off into the distance. Her jawline seemed to be the eye drawing part, sharper than she thought it was.

            She touched her own face, wondering how this could be her. She chalked it up to some really good photoshop in the end. The headline read ‘ **Lexa Woods** ’ in white and yellow. There were other titles along the corners describing articles that were smaller than the one on Lexa.

            “Wow,” Nyko’s voice dripped with surprise, “you look really good.”

            “As opposed to what? Normally looking like shit?” Her voice was tinged with a teasing sharpness at made Nyko smirk.

            “No,” he amended, “lets just read the damn article.”

            It was good, Lexa must admit. It focused more on the Woods business and her new Foundation. Roan had asked so many questions about her personal life, she thought that was what it mostly was going to be about. But it seemed, for the most part, he had stuck to professionalism, until the very end.

            “Oh no,” his voice was laced with horror. Nyko’s eyes met Lexa’s, mirror images of panic on their faces. “Why did you talk about Clarke?”

            “What was I supposed to say? ‘I don’t know that woman’? Because I do, she was an artist I commissioned…the rest, it’s just…speculation.”

            Gustus took his glasses off and tossed them on the table. He rubbed his hand over his face, “I knew this was going to happen. She must’ve stayed up all night re-editing this so she could have this version on the shelves.”

            “What?” Nyko and Lexa asked in sync.

            “The PR department went over the article last night and unless Nia sent them a fake, then she already planned on dragging us through all of this bullshit.”

            Lexa’s eyes were still scanning over the article and as she read, she knew, someone had said something. Someone that knew more than they let on. The only person that knew everything was Anya, at least on her end. She wasn’t sure if Clarke had told anyone about them, but she was certain that if she had, it would be someone she trusted wholeheartedly.

            “Costia,” she breathed, “they talked to Costia.”

            The tail end of the article depicted a ‘close family friend’ of the Woods explaining all about Lexa’s sexual escapades with Clarke Griffin. About the short-lived affair. This was going to ruin her and Clarke. _Unless_

            “I’ve got to go.” Lexa stood swiftly, snatching the magazine up and shoving it into her bag. “I’ll take care of this, I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t be sorry, Lexa. You didn’t do this.”

            “This is all my fault, Nyko, don’t try to be nice about it. Dad—”

            Gustus raised a hand to silence her, “This isn’t that big of a deal, Lexa. Clarke is an amazing woman, you’re my daughter. Whatever happens now, happens, this company can handle a little bit of bad PR.”

            “Dad—”

            “You’re in love with her, Lexa. I could see it way back at the cabin,” Gustus shrugged and even though his face was still shrouded in stress and an undertone of disappointment, he smiled at her and it made her feel better. “Whatever happened, it happened. It is what it is, kid.”

            “Go get your girl, Lexa,” Nyko added pushing her towards the door.

            Lexa stared at him in surprise now. He must have noticed the confusion on her face because he only smiled. “Anya told me. Now go, you don’t know when she’ll be there and you have to fix this before she finds out about it.”

            Lexa’s heart stuttered in her chest, her eyes finding her fathers. He smiled knowingly, “I knew I liked Clarke for a reason.” It was all he said, but it spoke more than anything else. So, with a wave, Lexa exited the office, a new confidence in her step even as the article hung heavily in her bag.

~   ~   ~

            Today was probably the worst and best day of Clarke Griffin’s life. She’d spent the better part of the last month, creating, critiquing and organizing her collection for the gallery opening. She’d also been spending a lot of her time at the local middle school speaking with staff and students about her competition. Over three hundred submitted art pieces from kids between 12 and 14, to say she was surprised by the turn out was an understatement. Her free time—if it could even be called that—was spent speaking with other local artists that she was close with and gauging their reaction to potentially be apart of the gallery.

            It seemed, she realized, that her ideas were going to be a big hit with the community and all she was going to have to do was ensure Marcus’ board of buyers was okay with it all. All they really wanted was money in their pockets and art that was beautiful, not too hard, right?

            To say she was nervous about the gallery opening was an understatement. She woke up before nine because she couldn’t stay in bed any longer, but Marcus had made her promise not to show up at the gallery until 5:30. He knew how she was feeling and refused to allow her to stress herself out any further, he would handle the last minute things and she would prepare herself to mingle with buyers and artists alike while she was there.

            She wasn’t sure what she was going to do. The gallery was opening at 6pm and wasn’t ending until ten. If she left in the middle to go to the fountain, Marcus would most likely chew her out. But, if she didn’t go to the fountain, she wouldn’t see Lexa again unless she actively sought her out.

            Clarke didn’t get much time to think it over before Octavia was barge into her room, waving something around in her hand. Raven followed after, shouting something about a magazine and making threats at someone Clarke wasn’t sure of.

            “What is going on?”

            “Your shitty CEO did an interview,” Octavia snapped, climbing into bed next to Clarke.

            “She looks hot though,” Raven added, settling herself onto Clarke’s other side.

            “What?” Clarke’s eyebrows furrowed, “Let me see that.” She snatched the magazine out of Octavia’s hand. It was crinkled and bent, but Lexa’s face stared back at her. It sent a jolt through her body. She hadn’t seen the other woman in three months and her chest physically ached at the thought. Her hand came up to rub at her breastbone subconsciously.

            “Why do I need to see this?”

            “Because you’re in it.”

            “What?” Clarke snapped, fear stopping her heart. If Clarke was in this article…there were so many things Lexa could say about her and some of them could potentially end her career.

            Raven rested her head on Clarke’s shoulder. “She doesn’t say anything, but this writer, Roan Quint or whatever the fuck his name is seems like a slummy writer. He twisted around everything Lexa said, you can tell. Then, he had some anonymous source close to Lexa talking about all her baggage and basically fucking her over.”

            “Raven,” Octavia slapped her girlfriend’s hip across Clarke’s body, “shut up and let her read it.”

            “I basically just summarized it for you,” Raven frowned, “Really, Clarke, you should thank me. This guy’s skill is severely lacking, I bet he only got his job because he’s a fucking rich prick.”

            “I’ll read it,” Clarke stated dumbly, still staring at the cover, at Lexa. She had yet to touch it as it lay on her lap, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to know what was inside. If she was going to read it though, she’d have to be alone.

            Octavia seemed to get her vibe and forced Raven to leave her alone. “Come on, Rae.”

            “But—”

            “Raven,” her voice was hard as she pulled her girlfriend out of Clarke’s bedroom. The door clicked as she shut it softly and Clarke was left alone. It took her a moment of hesitation to open the magazine to the proper page. Lexa’s face was plastered in black and white all over it in different poses, her sharp jaw looking better and better in each one.

            Finally, Clarke’s eyes found the words and she read.

            It wasn’t all bullshit. There was the beginning, which consisted of Lexa talking about Woods Children’s Foundation and all the projects that went along with it. It sounded like she was keeping herself busy. Clarke was kind of surprised that Lexa had stepped down as CEO, but it made sense, she didn’t like her job anymore, that much was obvious when they had been together.

            The ending though, it didn’t consist of anything Lexa stated, just a summary of what Lexa had apparently been up to before she started the Woods Foundation. It was all stated by an anonymous source and was so sketchily written that Clarke wondered how anyone would believe it. Whoever had made these statements knew exactly what Lexa had been doing, she had been having an affair with the artist Clarke Griffin. Costia was mentioned, the company was mentioned, and Lexa was made out to be the bad guy.

            They had done a good job, Clarke guessed, with drawing the reader in before slamming them with how much of a horrible monster Lexa Woods really was. She was clearly trying to hide it under all of this community service, it was all just another business move to make her family name stronger. Lexa Woods was just another power hungry, corrupt business woman.

            It was all bullshit.

            Clarke wondered if Lexa had seen this yet, how she was feeling about it. She wanted to defend the brunette, she wanted to beat the shit out of this Roan guy and force him to retract his statements. She also wanted to destroy whoever had told him. The rage bubbled in her chest and spread through her veins until she couldn’t just sit there anymore. She had to do _something_.

            She didn’t know what exactly she could do, but first, she knew she had to bring this to Marcus’ attention before he found out about it on his own. The likelihood of at least one person bringing it up at the gallery tonight was high and she didn’t want him to be surprised.

            Clarke was dressed and ready to leave the apartment after an attempt to alleviate her stress with a hot shower. It didn’t work, and she was still freaking out on her walk to the gallery. This wasn’t going to be good.

            The backdoor was propped open when she arrived and she twisted it open. Marcus was in his office, reading over some papers when he looked up at her. He rolled his eyes, irritated with her for not listening to him. “Clarke, I told you no—”

            “That’s not important right now, Marcus. I have bad news.”

            “Bad news? Clarke, the gallery opens in less than eight hours and you have bad news _right now_? Can you tell me after?”

            “I don’t think so,” Clarke shut the office door and hurriedly took a seat. She pulled the magazine out of her bag and tossed it on the table. “Before you read it, I’m sorry.”

            “Clarke, what—”

            “Just read it first.”

            “Its Lexa Woods, why do I need to—” Marcus paused when Clarke gave him a pointed look.    

            “Read it, then I’ll explain.” Clarke’s sweaty hands rubbed over her jeans nervously.

            Marcus kept his mouth shut this time and looked at Clarke as if she had officially lost it, but when she didn’t add any further explanation, he read. Clarke watched his expressions as they changed, from furrowed, passive concentration to confusion then shock. He flipped the page and Clarke knew he was about to freak out.

            It took almost ten minutes of silence before Clarke couldn’t stand it anymore.

            “I’m sor—”

            Marcus held up his hand and squeezed his eyes shut in a grimace, as if he was in physical pain. He shook his head before bringing his hands to his eyes and letting out a frustrated huff of air. “Do you know what this means?”

            “It means it can reflect badly on the gallery.”

            “No!” Marcus exploded, his eyes glaring daggers at her before he took a deep breath to calm himself. Clarke had never seen the man so close to losing it, especially on her. It scared her. “Did you…did you _convince_ her to donate at the gala?” 

            “What?” Clarke blinked in confusion, completely oblivious of what he meant. “What?” She was outraged and stood up, pacing the length of the room. “You think I _seduced_ Lexa Woods into donating to the gallery? You think…you…” She couldn’t finish her sentence, the idea outlandish. “ _I’m_ the victim here, Marcus. I didn’t do anything to start this. We slept together, once. After the gala and then _she_ commissioned me to do art for her. She _seduced me back into her bed_ , Marcus. _Then_ I found out about Costia and I—”

            “Ended it?” Marcus stared at her expectantly.

            _No_ , the word was on the tip of her tongue. She had tried, of course, but it hadn’t worked out well in her favor. She should have tried harder, it was the _right_ thing to do. But she hadn’t because she was too entangled with forest green eyes and sinful lips. Clarke groaned out loud, she had been blaming Lexa this whole time. It was _Lexa’s_ fault for seducing her, for drawing her in to satisfy whatever she had wanted to do. _Lexa_ had wanted to hurt Costia and at first, Clarke was her way of doing it. _Lexa_ had commissioned Clarke. _Lexa_ had seduced her again. It was _Lexa’s_ fault.

            But Clarke wasn’t a slave, she had her own free will and could have forced herself to stay away from Lexa. It wasn’t just Lexa’s fault anymore, it was hers too. Maybe blaming Lexa had been easier than blaming herself. Maybe.

            “You didn’t and if people dig deeper into this—and I guarantee they will—they will speculate that we blackmailed Lexa into donating, we will lose our reputation. You and I will lose our jobs, Clarke, our reputations. And I’m not sure which one is worse.”      

            “What do we do?”

            “I—” Marcus’ hands flitted across the table, his eyes scanning it as if his desk held all of the answers if he looked hard enough. “I don’t know, right now. But, Clarke, you screwed up.”

            “I know…I didn’t mean to. It just…happened.”

            Marcus’ brown eyes softened and warmed a little, but he was still pissed. “You love her.”

            “I know.”

            “I see, well, we’ll have to clean up the mess you two made. I need to get in touch with the new CEO, what’s his name, Nico?”

            “I—” Clarke hesitated, unsure if this was really what they should do. “Is that necessary?”

            “We have to display a united front against these accusation. We deny them until they go away.” He watched Clarke’s face fall, “Is there a problem, Clarke?”

            “No…I just, could you wait? Wouldn’t it look suspicious if you jumped on these rumors the day they came out?”

            “Do you have a better plan?”

            “Let me talk to Lexa—”

            “Clarke, that’s even more suspicious. You need to stay _away_.” Marcus slammed his hands on the table, Clarke flinched in fear. “I’m sorry, just…do you have a plan?”

            “Do you trust me?”

            “Now?” He snapped doubtfully.

            Clarke stared at him expectantly.

            “Yes.”

            “Then I have a plan, just give me a couple of hours.”

            “Fine.”

            “At the gallery opening, act normal. _Nothing_ is wrong.”

            “Fine.”

            “Thank you, Marcus.”

            “Sure, Clarke. Fix this before it blows up.”

            “I will,” she promised, then ducked out the door.


	21. Part 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa try to find each other. It doesn't go very well. Clarke meets Aden, Lexa meets Octavia and Raven. Officially.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does everyone know that the guy who sings Bloodsport is actually Grey Worm from GOT? I didn't know that until recently. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. It's mostly just fluff as both women run into the important parts of each others lives. So, enjoy and drop a comment.   
> ~TGF

_Bloodsport - Raleigh Ritchie_

            Lexa headed straight back to the apartment after leaving the office. She opened the door and initially, the sound of heavy bass scared her. She still wasn’t used to having a kid living with her.

            Indra had agreed to Lexa fostering Aden and had fast-tracked her through the process. It was basically like having a little brother, even though the closest thing she had ever had to a sibling was Anya. They were still in the preliminary stages of living in the same space. Lexa helped Aden with his homework, drove him to school, fed him, made sure he was in bed at a decent hour and basically parented him. Only when he allowed it though. They bickered _a lot_.

            “Aden!” She shouted, slamming the door behind her. She was already stressed and walking into the living room only heightened her blood pressure. Bags of food and cans of soda were strewn across the coffee table, the TV was displaying the opening screen to some PS4 game and the blonde boy was laying on the couch. Bass vibrated through the walls as he listened to whatever rap was playing that Lexa didn’t recognize.

            The boy ignored her, too wrapped up in his music.

            She threw a can at him instead. He jumped up, eyes wide and fearful like a surprised deer. He snatched the remote and turned off the music with cat-like reflexes. “Hey, Lex.”

            “Don’t _hey, Lex_ , me kiddo. Clean this shit up. You’ve lived here for like a week, dude.”

            “Okay,” he jumped up, snatching up the empty cans and food wrappers quickly. He looked scared, as if he feared she would kick him out.

            “Aden, relax.” Lexa sighed and helped him out with the cans in his arms. “I’m not mad at you. Just, be more organized. This place isn’t meant to be a mess.”

            “I know, I’m sorry.”

            “Okay then,” Lexa smiled and patted his shoulder. “I have to get changed, I have a thing I have to go to. It’s urgent.”

            “Okay, does that mean I’m home alone?”

            “If you want me to, I can drop you at the home. You can hang out with Zoran or something. Take him to the basketball court.”

            “Uh, not today. He’s got therapy for his hand. I’ve also got a squad thing on Fortnight.”

            “A what?” Lexa stared at him as if he’d grown a second head.

            “Nothing, don’t worry about it. Just, go out, do what you’ve gotta do. I’ll be here and the apartment will be clean. Won’t even know I live here.”

            “I want you to feel like this is a home, Aden. You don’t have to make it sparse, just keep it clean.” Lexa pulled the kid in for a hug and ruffled his hair. “But I do need you to clean this shit up, please.”

            She pushed him towards the living room and headed into her room. She had to go see Clarke. She had to explain the article before Clarke found out about it. Once she entered her closet, the nerves got the better of her. _What the hell was she going to wear?_

            Thirty minutes later and a pile of clothes on her bed, she finally felt ready. Her hair was loose, and she was dressed in a professional blue blazer with a simple white t-shirt underneath and black jeans with a belt. It didn’t look as extra as wearing a button down or a three-piece suit so she was going to stick with it.

            She grabbed her wallet and keys from the entryway table and shouted at Aden, “I’ll be back, don’t die!”

            “No promises!” He shouted from his room just as the door clicked close.

~   ~   ~

            Clarke arrived at Lexa’s door a quarter before twelve. She knocked on the door urgently, contemplating walking right in in her haste. It had been three months since she’d been here, she remembered it like it was yesterday. She had been angry, they’d basically had hate sex before she’d left once again.

            Now, well, now she was desperate to see Lexa and just _talk_ to her.

            When the door opened she surged forwards, words of apology on the tip of her tongue. She stumbled a little when she was met with a pair of blue eyes rivaling her own.

            “Who are you?” They both asked in sync.

            “I’m Aden, I live here.”

            “Did Lexa move out?” Clarke asked, her heart speeding up. If Lexa didn’t live here anymore, did Costia? She didn’t know anything about their break up, what if Costia had kept the apartment in the split? What if this was her cousin or brother or something and she was about to come to the door?

            The thought terrified her more than it should. The other woman showing up at your door looking for your now ex.

            “Who are you?”

            “Does she still live here?”

            “Yes, I’m her….” He hesitated, “I live with her.”

            “Where is she?”

            “Who are you?”

            “I’m Clarke.”

            “Oh,” Aden’s eyes widened in surprised and he gave her an appraising look, “I see why she couldn’t resist. You’re hot.”

            “How old are you?” Clarke crossed her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow at him suspiciously.

            “Thirteen. But you just missed her. She said she had something important to do. Why are you here anyway?”

            “I needed to see her,” Clarke ran a hand through her hair in defeat. “Did she say where she was going?”

            “No, do you want me to call her? Is there something I can help you with?” Aden asked eagerly. They were basically the same height and it freaked Clarke out how much he reminded her of herself, at least physically.

            Clarke shook her head, “I’ve gotta go.” She was already heading back down the hallway.

            “I hope you find her! Make sure she knows you love her!” Aden shouted down the hallway.

            Clarke shook her head and rubbed her temples as she continued to walk away. She heard the kid chuckle as the apartment door shut with a final click. People were using the word _love_ way too much for her liking. Now, where was she going to find Lexa?

~   ~   ~

            Lexa arrived at Clarke’s apartment at 12:30. She pounded on the door urgently, pacing along the hallway to try to calm her nerves. When the door opened, she surged forward only to be met with two pairs of hostile, dark eyes.

            She stepped back nervously as the two women before her—who were definitely not Clarke—glared at her. _Roommates, right_. Octavia and Raven, she didn’t know which one was which.

            “What do you want?”

            “I’m L-Lexa,” she stuttered, staring at the taller, darker woman nervously. She felt like they would attack her in a heartbeat. She feared for her life.

            “We know who you are,” the lighter one snapped and stepped forward, hazel eyes ablaze. “What do you want?”

            “I need to see Clarke, I need to—”

            “You _need_ to figure out how to get rid of that article,” the smaller one snapped. “Because it’ll ruin Clarke.”

            “It’ll ruin me too,” Lexa replied. “Does she know?”

            “Of course, she knows.” The taller one rolled her eyes and pulled the shorter one back, giving her a pointed look as if to say _don’t kill her yet._ “She rushed out of here after reading the article. I don’t know where she went.”

            “Fuck, when was that?”

            “Why should we tell you? You broke her heart, the same time her father died.” The short one basically growled.

            “What?” Lexa blinked, this was news to her. “I didn’t…we both…Jake is dead?”

            “Yeah, like three months—"

            “He died three months ago?” Lexa brought her hands to her head and groaned loudly. “Fuck me, that’s why she was so torn up…it wasn’t me… _Fuck._ ”

            “Did you break her?” the taller one asked incredulously.

            “Where is she?”

            “We don’t know.” The two woman exclaimed in sync.

            “Fuck.”

            “Try the gallery—”

            “Raven!” The short one exclaimed.

            “—there’s an opening tonight, something big for Clarke. Do you know where it is?”

            Lexa nodded and ran her hands down the lapels of her blazer. “Thank you.” The brunette turned and was heading down the stairs before either woman could react.

            “What the fuck? I thought you said Clarke should just leave it.”

            “I did,” Raven sighed, “but then I saw the look on her face.”

            “What look?” 

            “Its just a look, babe, let it be. This isn’t our fight or our drama.”

            Octavia rolled her eyes, “Clarke is going to kill you if she didn’t want Lexa finding her.”

            “She won’t kill me,” Raven smirked. “I have you to protect me, right?”

~   ~   ~

            Clarke wasn’t at the gallery as far as Lexa was concerned. She had been shooed off feverently by Marcus, who glared at her so angrily she knew that he knew too. She ducked out of there without further confrontation.

            The only other place she could think to look was the fountain. They’d promised to meet up there, but Lexa didn’t think it was going to be so early in the afternoon. It was just before 1:30 when she arrived and there was still no sign of Clarke.

            She was sweating in her blazer, the early summer sun beating down overhead and she felt like she was being boiled alive, stifled by so much clothing.She found herself an abandoned bench and yanked her blazer off, tossing it over the back of the bench in frustration. She ran a hand through her hair and over her forehead to wipe away the sweat beading there. She paced back and forth in front of her bench now, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

            This was useless, Clarke didn’t want to see her and now she definitely wouldn’t appreciate Lexa trying to track her down. There was no helping it though, either it was Lexa or a PR representative, or hell, her _father_. She had no choice, really.

            Lexa did a quick round-about of the fountain, seeing as it was large and busy with people and maybe she had just missed seeing Clarke.

            She hadn’t.

            Clarke was not there, and Lexa was fucked. She returned to her blazer and took a seat on the bench. She used the blazer as a pillow and stretched herself out on the bench, if she was going to wait for Clarke to show up, she might as well get comfortable.

            A shadow overcame the lightness that was behind her closed eyelids, “Hey, you.” The voice was right above her and Lexa peeled open one eye to look at who had interrupted her attempt at relaxation. It was an older woman, probably in her mid-sixties, she was dressed in day clothes and looked just like anyone else Lexa would pass on the street. “Are you Lisa?”

            “Lisa?” Lexa frowned, “No, I don’t know a Lisa.”

            “What’s your name?”

            “Lexa.”

            The woman waved her hands around as if it didn’t mean anything, “Same thing, this girl came up to me and asked for me to keep a note for her,” she reached into her pocket and took out a folded piece of paper. “Said to look for a woman who was probably dressed in a suit. Think that’s you. She was standing around for almost an hour, I guess waiting on you to show up.”

            Lexa sat up, hope warming her belly. She took the note but didn’t open it yet, her name was scrawled on the front. “Did she say why she had to leave?”

            “Something about a party? Or a gallery, I think she’s important. Had to go get ready for it.”

            “Oh,” Lexa sighed and sucked in a breath. Clarke had an opening tonight, that’s why she’d left. “Thank you so much,” without a second thought, Lexa stood from where she was seated and wrapped the older woman in a hug.

            “Oh!” The woman laughed merrily. “It’s nothing, dear. I hope you get to speak with her. You both seem so worried about each other.”

            “She was worried?” Lexa pulled away, a smile breaking out on her face. If Clarke was worried and not pissed, then that means something had changed. Maybe now wasn’t the time to think about what was going to happen between them, but Lexa couldn’t help herself. She wanted to be with Clarke Griffin more than anything else.

            The woman nodded, patting Lexa’s arm sweetly, “She was. She asked me for a pen and paper because I was sitting over there,” she pointed to a picnic table shaded by a tall tree, “I need to get back, though, before someone steals my spot.”

            “Okay,” Lexa grabbed her arm tightly before she could wander too far, “thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.”

            “You’re welcome, dear,” the woman leaned back in for another hug, feeling that Lexa needed it. “Now go find her.”

            Lexa chuckled in relief and sat herself back on the bench with one last thank you. She opened the piece of paper without another thought:

            _Lexa,_

_I know about the article, I need to speak with you. I have a gallery opening tonight and I needed to leave to get myself ready. Meet me there at 6, we’ll talk then._

_Clarke_

            Lexa didn’t know what she expected. A love letter? Something more than this straightforward request to talk, that was for sure. But Lexa took what she could get, she knew Clarke was the type of person that had to talk in person. This was definitely something they needed to have a face to face discussion about. They would talk to each other when they saw each other. Lexa had to go get ready, though, so she stood from the bench, shoved the letter in her pocket and headed towards her car.


	22. Part 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heavy Clexa ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally we have them in the same room. Finally.  
> ~TGF

_(22)_ _Armor – Landon Austin_

            Lexa arrived early, as she always does to everything. There were a few people mingling, teenagers dressed in waiter uniforms with platters floating around the room. Her eyes roamed her surroundings, passively glancing over beautiful artwork in search of blonde hair in the small groups. None.

            She tried to act natural, as if she had just casually wandered into the building. She was dressed in a more casual manner than before. She’d called her father, asking him for advice and he’d informed her that she had to maintain a low profile. With that in mind, Lexa’s outfit was just that.

            A worn leather jacket, ripped jeans and a blue t-shirt. Her hair was down again, but her glasses were perched on her nose. She normally didn’t wear them out, opting for her contacts instead, but this time she needed to maintain a low profile. 

            She was underdressed.

            Like, painfully underdressed compared to everyone else around her. It made her shoulders ache at the idea. She should have worn a suit, a button up, _something_ that didn’t look like she’d just wandered off the street.

            Trying to ignore the looks she was getting, she kept her attention trained on the art. Keeping to the outskirts, Lexa gazed at the art as she passed. There were three different sections, each with their own title.

            Lexa spent most of her time in the kids area, where several of them were wandering around. The boys dressed in suits too big for them and the girls awkwardly talking to each other with their arms crossed over their chests. _Middle schoolers_. Lexa remembered that time, she’d been so awkward.

            But these kids, their art, it was amazing. Someone had painted a flower that reflected the light of an invisible sun. A boy had drawn a pencil-sketch of someone mid-catch of a football. It was so professional, talented and Lexa was so proud of them. She tried to memorize the names on the plaques, try to guess which one matched which face. Without speaking with any of them, she moved along.

            The next section was in the middle of the room. These were the normal artists, the ones that Marcus constantly had commissioned and provided a steady salary for to ensure they pumped out art that they needed to.

            Then she saw it. It was the center piece, of a specific collection. A tall, canvas with a black outlined silhouette in the middle. It was the back of a woman, the sides curved as the person stretched upward. The hair was curling over the left shoulder and the face was twisted towards the right, part of the jaw the only identifying feature. The edge of a messy bed was visible at the bottom as sunlight peaked in through floor to ceiling windows.

            It was warm, and colors exploded outward from the silhouette to the left and right. Like an aura, deep purples and bright oranges. Lexa stared, her chest aching as she reached out, intending to touch it, to trace the curves, before yanking her hand back because she was not supposed to touch the art. The sign was posted _right there_ , for God’s sake.

            “You like it?”

            A shiver ran down Lexa’s spine at the soft voice. The natural, low timber that sent her heart racing. Lexa’s eyes fell closed as she sucked in a breath to recover. When they opened again, it was to stare at the painting again. “When did you…? How did you…? This is…”

            “I know.”

            They stood there, Clarke’s body so close to her own, Lexa could feel her breath on the back of her neck. The brunette finally turned, stepping to the right and twisting her body so they were a decent space apart.

            Her heart stopped.

            Clarke was dressed up, a conservative black dress that had a slit up the left leg. The top was cut to accentuate her assets, because who wouldn’t want to show that off? It made Lexa’s brain go blank before she managed to tear her eyes away. Her makeup was light and playful, basically leaving her looking like she hadn’t put any on in the first place.

            There was something different about Clarke, something lighter and freer. Her skin was darker, tanner and she’d cut her hair shorter. She looked happy and well-rested. Just as beautiful as ever and equally as breathtakingly gorgeous as before. Lexa didn’t know what to say.

            Blue met green, finally and those pools of ocean seemed to catch her. She could finally breathe again. They waited patiently for Lexa to get ahold of herself.

            “Hey,” Clarke breathed, her eyes roaming over Lexa quickly before a small smile graced her lips. “You don’t look like yourself.”

            “I didn’t think…my dad, he said—”

            “You’re taking advice from Gustus?” Clarke smirked, and the ice seemed to crackle and shatter between them.     

            Lexa looked down at herself with a chuckle, “I guess you’re right.”

            “I heard you met Raven and Octavia,” Clarke leaned in, a twinkle of mischief in her eyes.

            Lexa shivered, “I-yeah, they’re special, I guess. I thought they were going to murder me in the hallway.”

            “Yeah, they can be intense. It’s only because they’re so protective of me,” Clarke chuckled too, glancing down and brushing her hair behind her ear.

            “Aden said you saw him.”

            “I did.” Clarke’s eyes met hers again and Lexa couldn’t think.

            “Yeah.”

            “Clarke—”     

            “Lexa—”

            They stepped forward at the same time, preparing to apologize to each other but only succeeding in talking over the other. They both stopped, breaking eye contact and searching for something to say. Lexa’s eyes wandered over Clarke again, soaking in everything new and old that was a more radiant version of the woman she loved.

            “You look beautiful, Clarke, really beautiful.”

            Her tone was warm, and it set off butterflies in the pit of Clarke’s stomach. “You look good too, Lex. I’m glad you’re wearing your glasses, you look much more approachable. I like the jacket, too, very Greaser-like.”

            Lexa pulled the jacket out a bit, “I could be your Danny.”

            Clarke chuckled and pushed Lexa away, “Danny Devito, maybe.”

            They both laughed, leaning into each other. It felt good, organic and natural to talk to each other like this. All of Clarke’s initial nerves had taken a backseat to their banter and it felt really, really, good to laugh with Lexa again. It wasn’t like they hadn’t laughed before, Clarke had laughed too much with Lexa, it’s how they had become more than just a hook up. But they still had things to talk about that risked both of their careers if they didn’t breach the subject carefully with the public. 

            “I’m sorry about the article,” Lexa breathed genuinely, as if sensing the change in Clarke’s mood. She stepped forward and reached out, as if to touch the blonde, then thought better of it and dropped her hand. Clarke wanted to be touched, she wanted to feel Lexa’s fingertips brush over her arm more than she could describe.

            Clarke grabbed her arm instead, spotting Marcus behind her head and pulled at Lexa to follow her, “Come with me, we’ll talk about that in private.”

            At the drop of the blonde’s face into something stoic that Lexa couldn’t read, she frowned. Instead of mentioning it, she followed the blonde down a side hallway and into a room with her name engraved in a plaque on the door.

            It was a decent sized room, about the size of Lexa’s bedroom but it was cluttered with paints, easels, different tools and a long, plastic table that was already caked in different paints. The light was off, and Clarke made no moved to turn it on. The only light came from the curtained window, which sat just below a street light.

            They stood there, in silence and darkness, staring at each other. Clarke finally dropped Lexa’s hand and cleared her throat, turning away. “Sorry about the mess and lack of chairs. But we need to talk about this.”

            “I know, and Clarke, I didn’t do any of it. I didn’t plan it. Roan, he’s the son of my father’s old board member. He had plenty of reason to want to ruin me, but I don’t know who he got to talk to him and tell him the _truth._ ” Lexa’s jaw ticked in irritation.

            Clarke sighed, “I know who did it.”

            “Who?”

            Clarke gave her a pointed look, “Lexa, who would be the only person that new everything? Who would want to get back at you?”

            It took a second, probably because Lexa just didn’t want to believe it. With a sigh, she finally said it, defeated, “Costia.”

            “Exactly, I know you don’t want to believe it, but that’s the only explanation.”

            Lexa rubbed her forehead before running her hand through her hair again, a nervous tick of hers. “That doesn’t matter now, she’s probably long gone and there’s no point in bring it up to her. We need to figure out what to do _now_.”

            “I know, Marcus is pissed. He’s trying to convince me to deny everything because he doesn’t want both of us to lose our jobs. Which is possible.”

            “How would you lose your job?”

            “The gala, you donated a shit ton of money and then we…you know,” they made eye contact, both remembering that night vividly. “Either way, if anyone did any research into it, they could spin a story in your favor, stating that I convinced you into donating, like I’m some sort of _seductress_ or something. Basically, you would look like a victim. At least, that’s what Marcus said could happen.”

            “I wouldn’t let that happen, Clarke.” Lexa reached out for the blonde, squeezing her forearm reassuringly. “We need to figure something out though.”

            Clarke rubbed her forehead, her brain throbbing. “What if we did deny it?”

            They could, of course, but that meant they wouldn’t be able to see each other, at least for a while. But just because they had planned to see each other again, didn’t mean they were going to start a real relationship. Even though Lexa had hoped, maybe Clarke didn’t want that. They could wait, if that’s what Clarke wanted, but Lexa was tired of waiting. She just wanted to _try_ to be with Clarke now.

            “Do you want that?”

            Clarke’s eyes widened in desperation and she shook her head, “I don’t know.” She really didn’t.

            “What do you want then?”

            “Why do we have to lie? Answer that for me,” Clarke rubbed at the back of her neck, rolling it back. “All we’ve been doing since we’ve known each other is lie to everyone. I’ve lied to my best friends, my mom and my boss. I’m tired of not telling the truth, Lexa.”

            Lexa shrugged and dug her hands deeper into the pockets of her jacket. “We don’t have to lie if you don’t want to.” She watched emotions flash across Clarke’s face. Defeat, exasperation and confusion. Lexa didn’t know what to do to help her, so all she did was stand there.

            “I don’t want to.”

            “Then we have to tell the truth.”

            “What _is_ the truth, Lexa? What do we say?”

            Lexa’s lip quirked up, “I did have sexual relations with that woman.”

            “Fuck you,” Clarke tried to put as much conviction in her voice, though the chuckle that echoed behind it made it impossible. She shook her head and rolled her eyes at Lexa.

            “Seriously, we tell them that we had an affair while I was with Costia. That the article is true, but that it doesn’t take away from what either of us have done for this community. We don’t say anything else.” Lexa brought her jacket tighter around herself, “I can hold a press conference at work, we can both be there, to present a united front. Anything besides that is between us. They don’t need to know anything else.”

            “Really?”

            Lexa took a step forward, trying to convince Clarke with just her eyes. “What has happened between us, whatever relationship we’ve ever had is not for the public to know unless we want to tell them. I refuse to do anything about this without your consent. If you tell me to do nothing, I will do nothing.”

            “You’d do nothing?” Clarke asked dumbly, completely surprised by the intensity in Lexa’s eyes. She didn’t know what she expected, but this earnest, honesty wasn’t exactly it, “I’d never ask you to let what you’ve worked so hard for crumble because of me. You’ve done _amazing_ things these last few months, Lexa. You’re lighter, happier and I would never want you to be unhappy for me.”

            “I meant what I said to you in my apartment, Clarke. This changes nothing. I was falling for you then, now…” She stopped talking, too protective of herself now to be too honest with Clarke. She’d been hurt before, she’d hurt Clarke and now she wasn’t sure if the other girl wanted to hear what she had to say, if her feelings could even be reciprocated.

            Clarke couldn’t handle this. Sparkling green eyes that made her melt with their honesty. Lexa’s eyes were so expressive and emotional, no matter how hard she tried to be stoic and cold. There was no denying the way she looked at Clarke. Lexa was earnest and _there_ , standing right in front of her, the emotions Clarke hadn’t been willing to accept before were still evident in those damn eyes.

            Her heart in her throat, Clarke surged forward, her hand coming up behind Lexa’s neck, tracing over the collar of the jacket before tangling into smooth, chocolate brown hair. Their lips met in a gentle kiss, one softer than the last one they had shared. Lexa pulled backwards a bit, not having expected this change of events so quickly.

            Emboldened, Clarke pulled Lexa closer by her waist, pressing another, barely-there kiss to her lips again. Lexa’s hand came up, grasping at Clarke’s elbow tightly, finally kissing back. It made them both ache for more, it felt right.

            Lexa’s hand found Clarke’s hair, then the back of her neck, pulling their bodies flush together. Her legs felt like jelly and she used their connection as a weight to hold her to earth. Her hands shook with emotion she couldn’t voice, and she kissed Clarke harder, hoping she could somehow convey it. Her blood was set on fire, fireworks exploded behind her eyes and somehow, this felt even better than before.

            Something had shifted between them, there was no longer hesitation and whatever chasm of unspoken feelings had separated them before had disappeared. There were things that still needed to be discussed. But _this,_ right now, was worth waiting just a little bit longer. Kissing Clarke felt like all of the planets were aligning, anything was possible when they were like this. Lexa could do anything if only she had Clarke there to support her.

            Clarke guided them, slowly, towards the wall, pressing Lexa gently against it. Her hands slipping under Lexa’s leather jacket and grasping at the shirt underneath as their kisses turned white-hot. There was a promise in every kiss and gentle touch. A promise for more, a promise, that after this time, there wouldn’t be a last.

            “Clarke,” The door opened suddenly and both women jumped apart, guilty looking towards Marcus as he entered. He stared at them both, disapproving but accepting that he couldn’t do anything about it. His eyes turned to Clarke, “I need you to mingle with the buyers, you have a couple of offers.”

            The blonde cleared her throat and straightened her dress. She fixed what Lexa had messed up of her hair and nodded, “Yeah, sure.” She gave Lexa a look that said she’d be back before swiftly moving past Marcus and reentering the party.

            “Ms. Woods,” Marcus gestured for the brunette to follow, “Can I speak with you in my office?”

            _Oh god_ , it felt like she was in high school again, getting caught skipping class to make out with a girl in a broom closet. Butterflies of guilt and nervousness fluttered in her stomach as she followed him out with a curt nod. For Christ’s sake she really could just say no and turn away, she was a grown as woman, but that would be rude. Either way, Marcus was in this with Clarke so she had to make nice if they were going to be allies against the media.

            They took a seat in his well-furnished and well-decorated office. “So, what’s going to happen after all of this?” Marcus laced his fingers together and leaned his arms heavily on the table.

            Lexa rubbed her forehead, feeling slightly attacked and completely dumb after kissing Clarke. Her mind was still fuzzy from it, making it difficult to speak in complete sentences. “I have a plan.”

            “What is it? I fully expect to be informed because this could reflect badly on my business as well as yours.”

            “I understand, Mr. Kane, completely. I will have to speak with my father and Nyko, we’ll set up a meeting to go over exactly how we approach this and what we say. But, I promise you, this is up to Clarke and I. Whatever the two of us decide to do we need to have everyone’s full support. We need a united front and I’m not going to let anyone jeopardize what any of us have done for this community.”

            Marcus nodded and remained silent, prompting her to continue.

            “We’ll set up a press conference at Woods Co. and we’ll make an official statement. Together.”

            Marcus continued to nod, “I fully expect that the two of you will be able to sort this out.”

            “We will, I apologize for the inconvenience and pain this has caused you, Mr. Kane. There are many things I wish I could change about this situation or had done differently. But I can’t and right now, I have to deal with the repercussions of that. I just hope, in the future, we can continue doing business together.”

            Marcus’ face remained stoic, “I see, I appreciate the sentiment, Ms. Woods. Now, I request that you make a quiet exit. I’m sure there are people out there that you may know, and I’m certain you wouldn’t want to make a big scene.”

            “Yes, sir,” Lexa stood and nodded curtly at him once again. “We’ll be in touch.” Then she was leaving the room and exiting through the back door. There were still things she wanted to say to Clarke, things that needed to be in private and between the two of them. What Lexa really wanted to do was run back inside and tell Clarke to leave with her, to go somewhere with Lexa that they could just be alone.

            She pulled her phone from her pocket and found Clarke’s number. She started a new thread of conversations, having deleted all of their old messages a long time ago.

            **_Lexa [7:09pm]: Is there somewhere you can meet me?_**

She didn’t expect a response anytime soon, so she decided to wander towards the subway, having taken public transportation to get to the gallery. It was downtown and in the hustle and bustle of the city. Lexa knew Clarke’s apartment wasn’t that far away, within walking distance. She could probably go there and loiter in the lobby until Clarke got there, but she didn’t want to risk running into Raven or Octavia. She wasn’t ready to meet with their intensity twice in the same day.

            So instead, she went home.

            It was almost half past eight when she arrived, and she still hadn’t received a text from Clarke. That was expected, of course, she had to mingle with guests and sell art and do what she did. If Lexa had a business meeting, she wouldn’t be on her phone the whole time. But that didn’t mean Lexa wasn’t itching for a response. Itching for a time to see Clarke again.

            Lexa didn’t change clothes, just sat on the couching and watched Aden play his Fortnight game while screaming into a headset at his teammates. It was distracting and entertaining to watch him get so frustrated.

            Her phone buzzed at 10:30.

            **_Clarke [10:30pm]: Sorry I missed your text. It’s late, you must be tired. Meet me tomorrow?_**

**_Lexa [10:31pm]: I can meet you now._ **

**_Lexa [10:31pm]: If you aren’t too tired._ **

The little ellipses popped up almost immediately and Lexa’s heart stuttered. If Clarke was responding so quickly that either meant she was bored or wanted to see Lexa too. She hoped for the latter.

            **_Clarke [10:32pm]: I can meet you now. Where?_**

**_Lexa [10:32pm]: Anywhere? Coffee shop?_ **

**_Clarke [10:33pm]: Closed._ **

**_Lexa [10:34pm]: You can come to my place if you’re up for it. Or I can meet you at yours._ **

The next response took a little bit and Lexa stared at her screen expectantly until it went dark, but only for a moment, before it lit up again.

            **_Clarke [10:39pm]: You can come to my place._**

**_Lexa [10:40]: Okay, I’m on my way._ **

**_Clarke [10:0pm]: Ok. See you soon. Drive safe._ **

Lexa clicked her phone off and jumped to her feet. “I’ll be back, I’ve gotta go. Don’t stay up too late.”

            The only response she got from Aden was a bro-nod and a peace out sign before he was engulfed in his game again. Lexa rolled her eyes and exited the apartment.

~   ~   ~

            The automatic lights in the lobby of Clarke’s apartment building flicked on as she approached the entrance door. She pushed it open for Lexa, who stood outside, bouncing on her feet nervously. The blonde was dressed in a casual day shirt and a pair of sweatpants, her hair was pulled up into a bun on the top of her head, her glasses perched on her nose. She looked comfortable.

            Lexa had never seen her like this, casual in her pajamas. She liked it. She looked cute.

            “Hey,” Clarke rubbed at her eyes, the makeup gone from her face, “hope you don’t mind that I dressed down for the occasion, I’m exhausted.”

            Lexa frowned and let the door fall closed behind her. “I can come back tomorrow. I didn’t realize—well, I didn’t think about it. I’m sorry, want me to leave?”

            “No,” a hand on her arm calmed her nerves, “It’s okay.”

            “No, I’m trying this thing out, where I’m more considerate. Where I pay attention to what other people are feeling more than myself. I’m still working on it, I guess. But I can go, if you want to get some rest.”

            “Lexa,” Clarke kept her hand on her arm, squeezing it and forcing green eyes to meet blue. “I wanted to see you.”

            “Oh.” Lexa replied dumbly, licking her lips. She didn’t know why she was so nervous. She’d seen Clarke so many times, in so many ways and somehow, she felt different. This was more about their _emotions_ , their feelings than their physical attraction. Lexa was nervous, and a little afraid.

            “Come on,” Clarke guided Lexa to the elevator, which they took in silence to Clarke’s apartment. They exited and stood at the apartment door, “Do you mind if we sit out here? I don’t want to wake Raven and Octavia.”

            “I kind of don’t want to wake them either,” Lexa chuckled, though she was genuinely afraid of what they might try to do to her.

            Clarke smiled, though it was tired. “So about earlier, I’m sorry for kissing you. I didn’t mean to jump you.”

            “Don’t be,” Lexa slid down the wall opposite of Clarke’s apartment and crossed her legs, Clarke moved to do the same. “I like you, Clarke. A lot. You agreed to see me again and in whatever capacity you want, I will take it. If you want me to be an acquaintance, I will be. Whatever you want, I want. I don’t want you to feel obligated to anything when it comes to me.”

            It made Clarke’s chest ache, because Lexa was willing to do anything that Clarke wanted. The genuine care and contentment in those eyes made her want to stretch across the space between them and kiss the shit out of Lexa. But she knew she shouldn’t, she couldn’t. She promised herself that she wasn’t going to fall straight back into Lexa’s appeal. Lexa had to prove it to Clarke, no matter how much Clarke already wanted to believe her.

            “I don’t think I’m ready for anything more than friends.” _Not yet._ It hung at the tip of her tongue, but she bit it back, unsure if she would ever be ready to actually _be_ with Lexa again. She didn’t want to give the other woman more hope than was already giving.

            Lexa shrugged and glanced down, slightly disappointed but willing to cooperate. “I’ll wait. Friends are better than nothing. But I want you to know that I’m sorry, I know telling you isn’t proving anything, but I’m going to show you too. I just…I regret everything I ever did to get you to be with me as more than a friend. I shouldn’t have picked you up at the gala and I shouldn’t have sought you out to do a commissioned piece for me either. I just couldn’t help it. I should have done so many things differently and I’m sorry that I didn’t.”

            The words sat heavily between them, Clarke shut her eyes, head resting heavily against the wall behind her. She will herself not to think of the _what if_ s of this situation. What if Lexa hadn’t picked her up? What if she’d broken up with Costia sooner? What if, what if, what if. It hurt to think about it. “I’m sorry too,” but it came out as a thick, broken whisper.

            Lexa didn’t comment on it though, just closed her eyes, sucked in a breath and nodded in agreement. The silence enveloped them, it wasn’t the most uncomfortable silence either of them had ever experienced, but it didn’t help settle anything between them.

            “So Aden…” Clarke murmured and Lexa peeled an eye open to see the blonde smirking at her from across the hallway.

            “What about him?”

            “I met him,” she provided with another little smirk.

            “What did he say?” Lexa narrowed her eyes, going through everything she had ever said about Clarke and hoping that he hadn’t repeated any of it.

            Clarke chuckled, Lexa’s body had tensed noticeably at the mention of the young boy. “Nothing much, just that I’m hot and he gets why you couldn’t resist.”

            Lexa scoffed and rubbed her forehead. “He’s like twelve and has no filter.”

            “He’s thirteen and cute.”

            “Just wait until you get to know him better.” _Until_ , Clarke noticed that but didn’t comment on it as Lexa continued as if she didn’t realize what she’d said. The assumption that they’d be seeing each other more often. “He has an unhealthy obsession with videogames and is an absolutely _pig._ ”

            “Who is he?” Clarke asked, genuinely interested. Even though Lexa was complaining about the boy, there was a fondness that she couldn’t hide sparkling in her eyes. Clarke enjoyed seeing it.

            Lexa talked about how she met him, how they hit it off and how a woman she was working with, had fast-tracked her to become a foster parent for him. She talked about her non-profits and Clarke enjoyed how animated she got about it. This Lexa was so open with her feeling, actively using hand gestures to describe the stories of rebuilding the safe-haven. How she felt when she knocked out a wall with a hammer and how good it felt to see the finished project she had invested so much time and physical labor in.

            There was a lot for them to catch up on, three months of life lived and all Clarke wanted to do was tell Lexa about it. She wanted to tell her about her promotion, how she had set up the gala and felt even better about her job now than she ever had before.

            It seemed to be the same for Lexa, Clarke noticed, if her stumbling over her own words in an attempt to get them all out was anything to go by. She insisted on everything, leaning forward and closer to Clarke as she described everything that had happened in the past couple of months. How much happier she was and all of the ideas she had that would improve the life of the kids she worked with and the system that was meant to help them.

            It wasn’t until almost 2am and Clarke’s lower back was throbbing from sitting in the same position for so long that they finally stopped talking. It felt good, she realized, to just talk to someone about everything new in her life, even if it was to someone that wasn’t new.

            “I should get home,” Lexa yawned and rubbed at her eyes.

            Clarke nodded and smiled, slowly and painfully making her way to her feet. Lexa did the same. “It was good to talk to you, Lex, I’ve missed you.”

            “You too, Clarke.” Lexa nodded, standing a decent distance away as Clarke put her hand on the doorknob.

            The blonde nodded, flashing a smile before twisting the knob and opening the door.

            “Wait,” Lexa jerked forward, gently placing a hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “Friends go to lunch, right?”

            Bleary eyes frowned at her in confusion, “Yeah, why?”

            “How about tomorrow? Gillian’s? If you want to.”

            Clarke smiled, butterflies erupting in her stomach at the idea of seeing Lexa so soon. She couldn’t deny how much she liked that. Her eyes scanned over eager green eyes, raised eyebrows and a half, hopeful smile on perfect lips. Lips that she’d kissed mere hours ago, lips that she missed so much.

            She had to force herself to meet Lexa’s eyes again. “I’d love to, Lexa. What time?”

            “What about one? I have to drop Aden off and then pick him up from school.”

            “That sounds good. I’ll meet you there?”

            “Can’t wait,” Lexa’s smile broadened, and she buried her hands back in her pockets.

            “Goodnight, Lexa.” Clarke slowly backed into her dark apartment.        

            “Goodnight, Clarke.” The brunette smiled sweetly before turning and heading back down the hallway, hope warming her insides as she went.

            Clarke shut the door gently behind herself, locking it quickly before settling back against it. She couldn’t help but feel like something _right_ was happening. Lexa was a magnet Clarke hadn’t been able to resist when they first met and that still hadn’t changed. Her smile was intoxicating, her laugh beautiful and her eyes expressive and honest.

            It was like whatever cloud had shrouded the lightness in Clarke’s life had been washed away. She couldn’t shake the feeling that it could be something more than time, that she had changed or maybe Lexa had.

            She wasn’t completely sure, the only thing she knew was that things had changed.


	23. Chapter 23

_War of Hearts – Ruelle_

Lexa woke up late the next day. Aden was basically pounding on her bedroom door, shouting that he had to be at school in less than fifteen minutes. Her head pounded as soon as she opened her eyes and she groaned.

            “Lexa! Come on!”

            “I’m coming!” She snapped back, “Just give me a second.” She added a silent _fuck_ as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and snatched a hair tie from her bedside table. She tied her hair up into a messy ponytail and stood up, sliding a pair of basketball shorts on over her underwear. She snatched a hoodie from where it hung over the lounge chair and threw it over her head. If she wasn’t going to be getting out of the car, she could look like a bum.

            She opened her bedroom door. “See? Ready!”

            Aden rolled his eyes, his fingers flicking over the keyboard of his phone before he tapped send and slid his phone into his pocket. “I’m meeting Holly before first period, so if you don’t mind…” he gestured towards the door.

            Lexa paused, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise. “Whose Holly?”

            “Does it matter? Let’s go!!!” He was at the front door and throwing Lexa’s keys at her before she could respond. She barely caught them before they slammed into her face.

            “Excuse me! Is Holly the new girl? The one you think is _so hot_.” Lexa stated dramatically, following the excited boy out of their apartment with a chuckle.

            Aden rolled his eyes at her, “If you _must_ know, yes. She is.”

            “Told you she wouldn’t judge you because you’re a foster kid. So why are you guys meeting before first period? Going to find a broom closet or something?”

            “Ew, what are you even talking about, Lexa? No.” He hit the button for the elevator repeatedly until it finally arrived with a calm _ding_ —the complete opposite of how urgently he wanted to get to school.

            They stepped into the elevator together and it shook from Aden’s constant bouncing. “Then why are you so nervous?”           

            “Because I want to see her, okay? She’s nice and I like talking to her.”

            Lexa sighed and leaned against the wall, “Yeah, I get it.” Her mind drifted to Clarke and their conversation the night before. It was fun to talk and laugh without any expectation. The attraction was still there, at least on her end. Lexa wouldn’t mind shoving Clarke up against a wall and having her way with her like how they used to, but there was something _more_. Something that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. As if what they had before was expanding into something that could shift the Earth on it’s axis.

            “Oh! I met Clarke yesterday. Now _she’s_ hot.”

            Lexa blinked then shoved the boy’s shoulder playfully, “Nice try, kid, but that was a horrible attempt at changing the subject.”

            “Come on, Lexa. Why do you need to know?”

            “I’m your guardian, basically the mother figure in your life and you should tell me about this girl you like.”

            “You’re no mother figure, more like an older sister that barely has her shit together. But you do have a nice closet.” Aden shoved Lexa back, sending her thumping against the wall.

            The elevator opened, and they stepped out, wandering through the lobby before entering the attached parking garage and finding Lexa’s car. “I’m kind of offended, but maybe I could help you get girls.”

            “Lexa, seriously?” Aden asked incredibly. “You’re struggling to get Clarke back _right now_ and you want to give me advice?”

            “I’m the _what not to do_ , asshole. I may not have had my shit together before, but I do now. Look at me, I’m driving my adoptive son to school.” They climbed into the car and Lexa started it after they both buckled up, then pulled out of her parking spot.

            “Again, more like your brother. You’re like, what? Ten years older than me? And, we’re late, might I add,” Aden shook his head at her and rolled his eyes affectionately, a smile plastered on his lips.

            Lexa yawned and turned left at the next light. It took less than ten minutes to get through the car loop and drop Aden off. During that time, she kept pestering him for information that he wouldn’t provide about this Holly girl. Lexa didn’t even catch a glimpse of her before she was honked at and forced to drive off.

            She called her father when she got home, throwing herself on the couch with her phone held to her ear. He answered on the third ring, “Hey, kiddo. How’s Aden?”

            “He’s fine. I just got back from dropping him off at school.”

            “That’s good. How are you doing? Did you speak with Clarke?”

            Lexa sighed but a smile ghosted her lips at the thought of the other woman, “Yeah, she says she wants to have a meeting with Nyko and discuss how we approach this.”

            “Okay, should I call Mr. Kane? I’m going to have to get in touch with Titus in PR—”

            Lexa groaned, hating the idea of the bald man getting involved. “Does he really have to?”

            “Yes, I’m sorry, Lexa. But this is big and we need to get it under control. I’ll call Nyko and have him get in touch with Mr. Kane, it’ll sound better coming from him. The meeting will probably be on Thursday, to give ourselves some time to get both parties together.”

            “Yeah, that’s fine. I can do whenever so long as I have enough time to pick up Aden from school.” Lexa bit at her fingernails, a bad habit she’d developed recently.

            Gustus sighed and sounded like he was settling down. “How are you, Lexa?”

            “I’m fine, dad. Just worried about this whole PR thing, I was an idiot with the whole situation.”

            “We’re all idiots sometimes, kid. Some people are just more in the public eye than others. There’s probably some guy out there that’s deal with the same thing, the repercussions are just a lot smaller.”

            “Yeah, maybe he got his car keyed while I get a magazine article written about me and Clarke and I both get made out to be evil villains.” Lexa rubbed at the bridge of her nose to alleviate the pressure there.

            Gustus chuckled halfheartedly, “Well, you knew the consequences of your actions. I can’t say that I completely understand everything that led up to it, but I like Clarke and I love you. I just want what’s best for you, kid.”

            “Thanks.”

            “So what is Clarke up to?”

            “She’s been up to a lot, actually,” Lexa smiled, her heart lifting at the mention of the other woman. She explained most of what Clarke told her the night before during their talk. About the gallery opening, her father passing away and the little bit she told Lexa about her mother. She described her paintings and how beautiful they had been at the gallery.

            Gustus listened patiently as she spoke, enjoying the sound of happiness in her voice. Maybe Lexa had made a mistake, a huge, catastrophic one that hurt a lot of people, but she was still his daughter. No matter what, Gustus would stick with her. Lexa was enraptured by Clarke, their dynamic was different from the one Gustus was accustomed to seeing when she had been with Costia. But, if he was honest, he knew that they weren’t meant for each other, Lexa and Costia. They had been a college romance that both of them had gotten too comfortable in. Lexa had finally begun to grow into the adult she was meant to become.

            About twenty minutes later, they hung up with promises to keep in touch and Lexa got up. She had about four hours before she was going to meet with Clarke, so she wasted some time on the computer, replying to emails and checking Safe Haven’s website. She avoided looking at anything relating to do with the scandal and once she got bored enough, went and took a shower.

            She tried to dress casually but couldn’t help from throwing a blazer on over a graphic t-shirt and a pair of tight-fitting black slacks. She pulled her hair back into a couple of braids, clipping them so most of her hair was out of her face.

            Nerves bubbled in her gut and she frowned at herself in the mirror, she smoothed out the nonexistent wrinkles in her jacket for the second time. She checked her watch, it was only 11:45 but Lexa couldn’t just sit there anymore. Her entire being _wanted_ to see Clarke, couldn’t wait to lay eyes on soft skin and blue eyes. She wanted to watch Clarke smile and make her laugh, it was an ache deep in her chest.

            She was pulled from her thoughts by her phone ringing in the living room.

            “Hello?” She snatched it up without looking at the caller ID.

            “Hey,” it was a familiar husky voice on the other end.

            “Clarke!” Lexa’s heart skipped a beat and she patted at her shirt just to do something with her hands. “Hi, how are you?”

            “Good, I slept in because I didn’t get to sleep until way after you left last night.”

            “I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to stay that late.”

            “It’s okay. I enjoyed your company.”

            Lexa smiled, “I’m glad.”

            “Me too. So, I was wondering if you wanted to meet earlier?” Lexa could hear the nerves in Clarke’s voice, how it shook.

            Lexa nodded eagerly, though Clarke couldn’t see her. She cleared her throat, hoping not to sound how she felt. “I mean, yeah sure. What time?”

            “Ummm, as soon as you can? I’m kind of already headed that way.”

            “What if I had been in a meeting?” Lexa teased, though she was already grabbing her keys from the entryway.

            Clarke cleared her throat, “Well, I was just hoping that you weren’t. Guess I got lucky.”

            Lexa chuckled softly, “It seems you did. I’ll be there in a few.”

            “See you there.”

            “You too. Bye.”

            Lexa clicked the END button and shoved the phone in her pocket, opening the apartment door.

~   ~   ~

            Gillian’s was nice. Not overly nice, but one of those middle-class Italian restaurants with the menu in both Italian and English that attempted to be higher class than it truly was.  The lighting was set higher than normal for the lunch crowd and light poured in through wall length windows along the back of the restaurant. Gentle jazz mixed with Italian music played over the speakers.

            Lexa arrived after Clarke and was led to a table draped in a stark white table with a crystal glass with a candle seated in the middle. The blonde had her hair pulled up and off her neck in a low bun, a low-cut black blouse accented her cleavage and curves, sending Lexa on a spiral of dirty thoughts she was not supposed to be having about a friend.

            She tore her eyes from Clarke’s chest and met knowing blue eyes. One of Clarke’s eyebrows were raised mischievously, as if she knew exactly what Lexa was thinking and found it amusing. Lexa’s face flushed and she down-turned her eyes, focusing too intently on pulling out her own chair and settling herself into it before returning her eyes to Clarke’s.

            “You look nice,” she managed with a slow smile.

            “You too,” the blonde’s eyebrow was still raised knowingly but she leaned forward and took a sip of her water without commenting.

            The waiter swooped in just as Lexa opened her mouth. “How are you doing today, Ms. Woods?”

            Lexa smiled fondly up at the waiter, “I’m doing well, Sam, how are you?”

            “Doing just fine. Ms. Griffin told Shane she was meeting you for lunch today, so I swooped in and took over for her.” Sam smiled. He was her usual waiter when she came to Gillian’s for meetings. When Lexa wanted to have a relaxing, social meeting with a client she would bring them to Gillian’s and at first, Sam had been her waiter and they had taking a liking to each other. Now Sam was always her waiter if she arrived.

            Sam was a young 19-year-old boy who’d been working at Gillian’s since he was sixteen as a bus boy. He was slim and tall with shaggy brown hair and a freshly shaved face with a sharp jaw that would grow stronger with age. His eyes were dark and swam with mischief constantly. Lexa liked him because he wasn’t afraid to speak his mind, especially now that they knew eachother and he was good at reading people. She may have used him once or twice to help gauge a client’s true intention. He was an odd boy and spoke too formally sometimes, but it was endearing to Lexa.

            “Well, this is an informal, friendly meeting. Ms. Griffin and I are here to talk about some private matters,” Lexa nodded towards Clarke, who was watching their interactions with interest.

            “Yes, so I’ve heard. I must say, Ms. Griffin—”

            “Clarke.”

            “Clarke, I must say that the news and media do you no justice. What’s happened is unfortunate and I hope both of you can work through it together,” Sam stated seriously, his jaw ticking. Lexa saw his irritation and knew that he must have read something really bad about them.

            Lexa reached out and squeezed his arm, “Why don’t you grab us a bottle of merlot and then we’ll order?”

            “Sure, yeah. I’m on it.” He jotted it down on his notepad—as if he really needed to remember that then turned and headed towards the kitchens.

            “Day drinking?” Clarke rested an elbow on the table and placed her chin in her hand.

            Lexa shrugged and pulled her blazer off, getting hot under the bright light overhead. “I don’t want to talk about the whole scandal thing without being a little buzzed. My mistakes are coming back to bite both of us in the ass and we should enjoy this time while we can.”

            “Lexa, it’s not just your cross to bear anymore. I was a willing participant, I knew what I was getting myself into, so this is on both of us.”

            Lexa only shrugged. It felt like it was all her fault, like everything that had been good in her life, her parents, her job and her girlfriend had suddenly turned sour after she officially became CEO all those months ago. Then she’d fallen off the track her father had been building her and into bed with Clarke Griffin. Really, everything had come to a head when she met Clarke and now, she was a better person for making the mistakes she had. She was better because she’d met Clarke.

            Maybe it was some sort of twisted logic, but it felt like Clarke made her better when they were together. She wasn’t Lexa Woods, daughter of entrepreneur, billionaire and successful founder of Woods Inc. she was just Lexa now and that had been catalyzed by Clarke.

            Boldly, Lexa reached forward and grabbed Clarke’s hand, “Even though what I did to you was unspeakably horrible, somehow it’s made me better. You’ve gone through a lot to get to where you are and after this, if you want to, you don’t have to see me ever again.”

            Clarke swallowed hard, her hand tense and cold underneath Lexa’s. She sat there for a moment, staring at Lexa, frozen and the brunette couldn’t gauge what she was thinking. “I don’t think I could do that even if I tried. You’re stuck on me,” Clarke twisted her hand and squeezed Lexa’s.

            “Like a fungus?”

            “Yeah, a pretty one.”

            Lexa chuckled and squeezed her hand back, feeling more relaxed with the gentle banter. “That’s my MO. I drag you in with my looks and suddenly you’re stuck.”

            “Here we are, ladies,” Sam arrived with two glasses and a bottle of red merlot. Clarke and Lexa’s hands seemed to jerk apart involuntarily. He poured them each a glass, pretending not to notice before taking both of their orders and promising to return shortly.

            They sat in silence for several beats before Clarke broke it, “So I have a friend who works at the New York Times and he wants to do an article on this whole thing.”

            “Are you going to do it?”

            “I wanted to check with you first. I’ve never dealt with this before,” Clarke ran a hand over her forehead, her anxiety showing now. “You have, and we agreed to do this together.”

            “Do you trust him?”

            “Yeah, he’ll write honestly.”

            “Then I don’t see why you shouldn’t. I’m not a rep nor do I know anything about PR but I don’t see a problem with it.”

            Clarke brought the wine to her lips, taking a generous sip before nodding along, “I guess, I was wondering if you wanted to do it with me? He’d do it for both of us.”

            Lexa’s head tilted to the side like a confused puppy, her eyebrows coming together in that cute way they did. Clarke’s heart skipped a little and she took another sip of wine to keep it from showing. She was too aware of everything Lexa did, any fidget or movement and Clarke saw it and tried to read it.

            “You’d do that?”

            “Lexa, we made a mistake. We’ve had three months to deal with it. I can’t say that I’m not still hurt, but that’s not only because of you. A lot of things have happened since we saw each other last. With my dad dying…my mom and I are trying to figure out what we are without him. My job has taken up a lot of my time, but no matter how angry I was with you…somehow I’ve forgiven you because you were just as lost as I was. It doesn’t forgive what you’ve done or what I’ve done, and it doesn’t mean I trust you to…be what we could have been back then, but that none of that mean I don’t care about you.”

            Lexa’s heart thudded in her ears, she hadn’t realized how much she’d hoped for Clarke’s forgiveness. She wanted, more than anything, to ear this woman’s trust back. There was so much potential between them, and if Clarke was willing, she would try her hardest to ear that trust back. “Oh.” The word was shaky, and she blinked hard to avoid making a fool of herself by crying in public.

            “We’re in this together and I’m not letting you drown in public humiliation alone, we have to do it together,” she chuckled, but it was light and airy, barely substantial enough to be a laugh.

            Both of their phone buzzed and Clarke reached into her pocket to pull hers out. “It’s Monty, he wants to meet us this afternoon. Is that okay? Do you still want to go?”

            Lexa unlocked her phone, heart hammering against her chest.

            **_Nyko [12:18pm]: Meeting tomorrow at 8:45am. Clear your schedule, we have to prepare. The press conference will be Thursday._**

**_Lexa [12;19pm]: Why so soon?_ **

**_Nyko [12:19pm]: Titus advises that we get this done sooner rather than later. He doesn’t want it to “ferment” longer than necessary._ **

Lexa rolled her eyes and glanced up at Clarke, who was staring at her expectantly. “What time does he want to meet?”

            “Is 3 okay?”

            Lexa checked her watch and nodded, “Should be, but I have to get Aden first. We’ll get out of here and go straight there then go to the meeting. Where is it?”

            “Let me check,” Clarke tapped at her phone before locking it and setting it on the table. “What’d you get?”

            “My cousin set up the meeting with Marcus Kane, you’ll probably get a call about that soon. It’s tomorrow morning.” Lexa put her phone down after replying to Nyko with an eyeroll emoji.

            “Why so soon?”

            “Our head of Public Relations, Titus, is in charge of how we do most things when it comes to public stuff and he’s kind of a hard ass so,” Lexa trailed off with a shrug. “You’ll love him.”

            “Doubt it.”

            Lexa chuckled, “Oh, me too.”

            Sam arrived with their food a moment later and they both decided to forgo anymore serious talk for lighter subjects. Lexa talked about Aden and his friend Holly, they laughed over his little crush and Lexa described how vicious the car loop was. They ended up laughing more than they ate and, once again, it felt _good_.

~   ~   ~

            “Just come with me. You don’t want to walk all the way across the city, Clarke.”

            They were outside of Gillian’s pleasantly buzzed from the wine or each other’s company, neither of them were sure. Clarke was insisting on meeting up at the coffee shop Monty had approved of. But they were supposed to be there in an hour and Clarke hadn’t driven.

            “Just come with me. We pick up Aden then we meet your friend afterword.”

            “That’s not weird?”

            “No, you’re my friend, Clarke.”           

            She wanted to say that they weren’t friends, that they literally couldn’t be friends. But Clarke kept her mouth shut and huffed a defeated sigh, “Fine.”

            She followed Lexa around the side of the building where the car awaited. Lexa gestured to it grandly, “Do you remember my baby?”

            Clarke grinned, it was the Lincoln they’d taken to Gustus’ cabin all those months ago. “It’s still intimidating.”

            “Don’t worry, it’s already trashed. I should probably get a van or something to keep Aden from dying. Especially if I’m going to have to teach him out to drive.” Lexa pulled open the passenger door for Clarke with a wink, as if it was completely natural.

            “Do _not_ let him behind the wheel of this car, he’ll crash it.” Clarke insisted as the door shut on her and Lexa walked around the car to get into the driver’s seat.

            She settled in and buckled up. “Yeah, I’ll have to get him one of those junker cars.”

            “Did you have a junker car?”

            “Not really, my first car was a 2010 BMW 3 series.”

            The noise Clarke made was a mix between a disbelieving gasp and laugh, coming out as more of a snort. “Oh my god, I guess he’ll have to learn on my junky Pontiac.”

            Lexa pulled out of the parking spot, glancing over at Clarke to see if she registered what she’d just said. It dawned on Lexa immediately that she was talking about years in the future, where they could still be friends. “If he crashes it, I’ll buy you a new one.”

            “You would not.”

            “I would, compensation for his idiocy. He’s basically my son.”

            “You’re more like an older sister to him.”

            “Why do you both keep saying that?” Lexa asked, feigning hurt. “Do I not give off a motherly vibe?”

            Clarke placed a reassuring hand on Lexa’s arm, laughing wholeheartedly. “God, I hope not.”

            Lexa turned on the radio, pouting at Clarke before breaking into a grin.

            “God, you’re too cute.” Clarke sighed and reached towards the radio, as Lexa leaned back into her seat to focus on the road. The blonde navigated the channels before settling on something she liked.

            When Aden got into the car he settled into the middle seat and smirked at Lexa from the rearview mirror. Lexa tried to warn him not to say anything with her eyes, but he either ignored her or couldn’t tell that she was shooting daggers at him.

            “Hi, Clarke, it’s nice to see you again. You look pretty.” Aden reached his hand over the center console to shake the blonde’s hand.

            “Thanks, Aden. You know, Lexa says you’re a pig.” Clarke gave the brunette a side eye, enjoying the way she clutched at her chest and gave Clarke an outraged look.

            “I told you that in _confidence_ , Clarke. I don’t trust you anymore.”

            The blonde chuckled and reached out, patting Lexa’s shoulder, “Anyway, Aden, how was school? What about that little girlfriend of yours?”  
            Aden smacked Lexa’s arm immediately, “ _Confidence_ , Lexa! Jesus! I told you one thing and you go off and tell the pretty blonde all the girl I’m _friends_ with.”

            “Yeah, friends,” Lexa glanced sideways at Clarke, though her attention was fully on Aden. “Sure. Tell Clarke all about her, kid.”

            He did, he talked about how they’d sat together at lunch, just the two of them. Aden gave a bit of back story on how he didn’t have many friends because he was the weirdo foster kid, but Holly didn’t care about that. He talked about his classes, homework and how he was liking living with Lexa but how he missed his friends at the foster home. But then went on to explain that he saw them all the time now because he went up there to help when he could.

            Clarke absorbed it all, it was fun getting to listen to someone talk so passionately and happily about their lives. There was something refreshing about a child’s perspective on how life worked, on how simple it was for them. It had been awhile since Clarke had heard anyone have such a positive outlook on life, besides Lexa these last couple of days.

            But that was all new to Lexa, she was still cautious about talking about her happiness, whether it was because of her history with Clarke or not. But Lexa was happy now, no longer concerned with making her father proud because she knew that he was already proud of her. Clarke could have told her that from the minute she’d met Gustus, but she guessed Lexa had to figure that out on her own.

            The three of them bickered and bantered the whole ride to Lexa’s apartment, where they dropped Aden off. They quickly turned around to head to the coffee shop they were meeting Monty at, after Clarke made Aden promise to do his homework before he got on the PS4. Then promising to whoop his ass on _Mario Kart_ the next time they saw each other.

            The atmosphere in the car seemed to sober once they were back on the road. Getting back to serious, adult problems was easier than Clarke liked but she didn’t want to lose her job and she didn’t want Lexa to lose donations or gain a bad reputation. Monty would help them both out by spinning the story more positively. It wasn’t lying, it was his take on what they had done.

            Clarke texted him quickly, saying they were on their way.

            **_Monty [2:52pm]: Already here. In the back booth. See you soon._**

It was followed by a heart and a sunglasses emoji.

            Clarke smiled and settled herself against the chair, staring out of the window and watching the city stroll by in an attempt to calm herself.

~   ~   ~

            Monty had his recorder and Macbook out on the table when the two of them arrived. They slid into the booth together and Monty shook Lexa’s hand before smiling sadly at Clarke. He was a short guy with black hair, tanned skin and glasses perched on his nose. His eyes crinkled slightly whenever he smiled.  Lexa liked him almost instantly.

            “I heard about your dad, Clarke. I’m sorry.”

            “Me too, Monty,” Clarke swallowed at the unexpected apology. “He was sick.”

            “Still,” Monty reached over and squeezed her hand, “And Raven? How’s she?”

            “Fine, she won’t stop talking so she’s basically back to her old self. She and Octavia are still a little tense around each other but,” Clarke shrugged, “they’re figuring it out.”

            “That’s good. I’ve meant to stop by your place but with my new job…it’s been really hard to get any free time.” He shrugged. “Last time I saw you was at Jasper’s, I think.”

            Clarke nodded just before Monty turned his sharp gaze onto Lexa. “Hi, Ms. Woods, I’m Monty Green. I’ll be conducting this interview.”

            “Call me, Lexa.” She shook his hand firmly.

            Monty nodded firmly once before clicking at things on his computer, then turned back to the two of them, “Do I have your permission to record you both?”

            “Yes,” they stated in unison. They glanced at each other nervously before Clarke smiled reassuringly.

            “Good, so I’m going to try not to be biased on this story. I may know you, Clarke, and I may not like you very much, Lexa, but I refuse to tell a story that is untrue. So, I need you both to be honest with me.” His voice was strong and clear as he glanced between the two of them slowly.

            Lexa was slightly taken aback by the conviction behind his words and by his blunt disliking of her. She guessed that she should be glad that Clarke had so many friends that loved her and wanted to protect her. Too bad they wanted to protect her from Lexa.

            “Where did you two meet?”

            “The investors gala last September.” Clarke replied.

            “When did you begin your relationship?”

            Lexa leaned forward, brace both forearms on the table. “That night.”

            “Were you still with Costia Wilder?” Monty typed a couple of things on his laptop.

            “Yes.”

            “How long were you with Costia before?”

            “Since college, almost four years.”

            It went like that for a while, the back and forth with background questions before Monty decided to change it up. “Clarke, I want you to tell me, from the beginning the story that you remember. Don’t leave anything out.”

            The blonde glanced at Lexa uncertainly, “Okay.”

            “I’ll go grab some coffee, just wave me over when you’re done.”

            Monty nodded. “How about we do individual testimonies? I’ll take Clarke’s and then once she’s done I’ll take you, Lexa.”

            “That’s fine with me, whatever will get you the information you need.” Lexa shrugged and stood. “If you need me, I’ll be over there.” She gestured to the counter.

            Once she was far enough away, Monty clicked off the recorder and Clarke stared at him, confused.

            “As a friend, how are you doing, Clarke?”

            “I’m doing fine, Monty.”

            “Why didn’t you tell anyone what was going on?”

            “How was I supposed to tell you guys? I’m having an affair with a billionaire I was also doing a commission for. Not only am I working for her, but she has a girlfriend that she’s not in love with anymore and maybe I’ll be able to convince her that I’m better for her anyway?”

            “Clarke, I’m not judging you. I’m just…this whole media thing…are you ready for it? It won’t go away. Not for a long time.”

            Clarke thumped her head on the table. “I know,” her voice was muffled by the table. “But I don’t care. I have to do this if I want to keep my job.”

            “I know, I just want you to know that I’m here as your friend too, if you want to talk.”

            “Thanks, Monty,” Clarke lifted her head. “Should I start now?”

            “Sure,” Monty fiddled with the recorder for a moment before sliding it in front of Clarke. “Whenever you’re ready.”

            It was another hour before Monty had everything he wanted. Clarke’s hips ached from sitting in one spot for so long and Lexa’s leg was jittering against hers. Her fingers were tapping idly at the table and she kept glancing at her watch, as if tired of this too.

            “I know you guys are tired of repeating yourselves, but I have one last question.”

            “Sure,” Clarke tried to sound like she wasn’t exasperated with the amount of questions he had already asked. He was only doing his job and doing it to help her out, so she wasn’t allowed to be frustrated.

            “What’s the ultimate goal here?”

            Clarke and Lexa glanced at each other.

            “What do you mean?” Lexa asked.

            “Well, are you going to go your separate ways? Be friends? Try to get together? Readers are going to need closure.”

            Clarke felt Lexa tense next to her, her shoulders going ridged. “Why do they need to know? It’s none of their business.”

            Monty raised a challenging eyebrow, “Your lives are basically going to be public property now. This press conference you’re going to have will tear the two of you apart individually and together if you don’t work on what you’re going to say. You need to know both of your stories inside and out, so you don’t contradict each other. I know you’re opting to tell the truth, but you need to tell the whole truth, not just parts.”

            “We’ll be friends,” Clarke spoke quickly before Lexa could argue. She placed a soothing, cool hand on Lexa’s, urging her to calm down. “We’ll see each other and we’ll be friends.”

            Monty nodded, glad someone had answered his question. He was irate with Lexa, who he’d been fighting all afternoon to get information out of. “Nothing more? Nothing less?”

            “That’s to be determined.” Clarke gave Monty a pointed look and something passed between them that Lexa couldn’t read.

            She was irritated, tired and annoyed with Monty for asking so many questions she wasn’t sure of the exact answers for. She guessed she was going to need a lot of coaching from Titus before the conference. “Are we done?”

            “Yes, Lex, can I talk to you?” Clarke urged her out of the booth with a pointed look.

            They huddled together in the hallway that led to the bathrooms and Clarke glared at her, pointing an angry finger at her chest, “I need you to chill out. You’re being an ass to my friend just because you’re tired of being here. You didn’t need to be here in the first place so if you’re going to be like this, Monty doesn’t deserve it and you can go.”

            Lexa blinked and opened her mouth to bite back defensively before tamping down her anger. She wasn’t going to start a fight with Clarke, she was trying to be a better, honest person and being defensive wasn’t the way to do that, “I’m just scared.”

            Clarke’s shoulders slouched, and her face softened. She hadn’t expected Lexa to say that, she’d expected a biting response and then they’d go around and around in circles until Lexa either stormed off or finally admitted what was wrong. “I know, so am I. But Monty is trying to help us, there’s no reason to take your emotions out on him.”

            “I know, I’m sorry…I just, this is difficult.” Lexa’s eyes flickered over Clarke’s face, from her soft eyes to her lips and the twitch of her eyebrow. “It’s hard to tell people outside of this,” she gestured between the two of them, “what happened between us.”

            “We haven’t really talked about it, Lexa. But I don’t think we need to, we both already know.”

            “I don’t think I do.” Lexa rubbed her forehead, the headache building pressure behind her eyes.

            Clarke grabbed her hand and turned her so they were face to face. “I want you in my life, Lexa. No matter what you’ve done, or what I’ve done, I want you in my life. I don’t want to be with anyone else but I’m not doing anything until this has been taken care of. Neither of us can afford a distraction right now.”

            “I’m distracting?” Lexa raised a curious eyebrows and leaned in closer, her confidence latching onto that comment with a slow smirk spreading across her lips.

            “Very, but we both need to focus.”

            “You’re distracting too, you know.”

            “Thanks,” Clarke huffed with a small smile. “Now go apologize to Monty.” She gestured towards the table where her friend sat.

            “Okay, but first,” Lexa caught Clarke’s arm and brought her attention back on her. “Promise to go out to drinks with me after the conference?”

            Clarke rolled her eyes, a flush building in her cheeks, “Fine, I promise.” She pushed the brunette away. “Now go apologize, I’ll be right there.”

            “Good,” Lexa smiled back before heading to the table. “I’m sorry for being an ass, Monty. I didn’t mean to be, I’m just worried about all of this.”

            “I know, Lexa.” Monty nodded, “Thank you for apologizing.”

            “Yeah, no problem.”

            “When are you going to tell her you’re in love with her?”

            “I’ve already told her.”

            “Really?” Monty raised an eyebrow. “And she didn’t run away screaming?”

            Lexa frowned, “What?”

            “Clarke’s last real relationship was with a boy back home in Arkadia, in high school.”

            “And?”

            “He…was obsessive and had a couple of screws loose if you know what I mean. Clarke got tired of it, she broke up with him. Finn was kind of a weirdo in school, he didn’t have many friends so when Clarke moved to Arkadia, she befriended him and brought him into our friend group. She was the glue and so we accepted him without questions. But when they broke up…he showed up at her house…with a gun…Clarke wasn’t there yet, but Wells, her best friend from back home, he was there. Finn, he thought Clarke left him for Wells because they were so close, so he…he shot Wells and killed himself in her house.”

            Lexa stared at Monty, unblinking and taken off guard by this admission. She didn’t make a sound or have the brain power to ask him any questions, too stunned by the overload of information. She had questions like; _why was Wells at her house when Clarke wasn’t? Was he okay? When was this?_

            “She didn’t tell you that,” Monty breathed after a moment, eyes going wide. “Shit, well, fuck. I didn’t tell you that.”

            Clarke came back before she could recover. Lexa stood and grabbed ahold of her, pulling her into a tight hug. It was probably weird but Lexa didn’t give her much time to recover from it. She pulled back and stared at Clarke, as if seeing her for the first time. This wasn’t the first time Clarke had been hurt this badly by someone who loved her. It made Lexa feel like she should just leave, not cause Clarke anymore problems, but that wasn’t her choice, it was Clarke’s. Hadn’t she just said that she wanted Lexa in her life?

            “What?” Clarke sputtered, squeezing Lexa back before pulling away too. “What’s that for?”

            “Nothing, but I have to go. Will you get home alright?” Lexa brushed a strand of hair out of Clarke’s face. She tried to remain calm and steady, but her brain was still trying to process all of this new information.

            “Yeah, I was going to hang out with Monty a bit anyway. Is everything okay?”

            Clarke could see something in Lexa’s eyes, something that she couldn’t quite place. It wasn’t pity or sadness, just, something confusing, like she wasn’t sure what to do with herself. She patted her pockets in search for her keys and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine, I promise.” Lexa took a deep breath and smiled at Clarke.

            “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, right?”

            “Yeah, Kane just texted me the info.”

            “Okay, see you then,” an idea seemed to dawn on Lexa and she leaned in. Clarke thought she was going to kiss her and her heart nearly tried to escape through her throat, but at the last second, Lexa turned and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek. “Bye.”

            “Bye, Lexa.” Clarke watched her leave as if she were an alien, though her cheek still tingled with Lexa’s kiss.


End file.
